My Beautiful Broken Brain

[Lynch] That state of simplest

form of awareness alone,

is worthy of seeing, hearing,

contemplating and realizing."

From the Upanishads.

-[indistinct conversations]

-[fireworks crackling]

[Lotje panting]

[Lotje mumbling indistinctly]

[Lotje breathing heavily]

[heavy thud]

[Jan] That day, I was going

to meet my sister for lunch.

I emailed her that morning,

just to confirm what time,

and I didn't hear anything back.

Thinking, "It's really strange

how Lotje hasn't got back to me."

You know, because I had also texted,

"Are you okay?"

Which is, like, quite a strong, um...

message.

And I was sure that she would text back.

[Ant] Usually, you know,

she comes into work every day.

She didn't come in on the Monday,

and, uh, I thought it was a bit weird.

[Barney] I, um, walked, like,

four, five minutes to where her flat was.

And that's where Jan was with Ant,

looking more and more confused

by what was going on.

-[Jan] We tried to bang on the door...

-[loud knocking]

...shout, but she wasn't responding.

[Barney] I remember Jan

kind of calling out, "Lotje!"

What was going through our minds was that

there's only one reason why

she'd still be in her flat.

[Jan] At that point,

I decided to call 999.

[dog barking]

The police arrived together

with the landlord, who had a key.

[Ant] And there was this very strange

moment of, like,

the police holding Jan back a bit, saying,

"Do you want us to go in first?"

The guy who opened the door, not wanting

to be the first guy to go in there.

It was all very strange.

And Jan just said, "I'm going in."

[Jan] The flat just looked like

some serious chaos had happened.

You know, I was like,

"Sh*t, where is she?"

Everything was topsy-turvy.

There was clothes everywhere,

there was vomit

and excrement everywhere.

The fact that she wasn't there

was sort of a relief.

But then the next question was,

"Where is she?"

[Hente] Lotje's always been quite good at

going somewhere, to adventures,

and experiencing--

Going and seeing friends, so...

I've had this throughout my life.

"Where is Lotje?" has been a question.

You know, you go to the supermarket

and you pick something from the shelf,

"Where is Lotje?"

[voice echoing] Where is Lotje?

[machine beeps steadily]

[Jan] Somebody at Royal London

fitted Lotje's description.

They couldn't identify her,

because she wasn't able to speak.

The police that I'd called

and the police at the Royal London

managed to, sort of, work out

that this was my sister.

[machine beeping steadily]

[Andrew] To see a young patient

who is semi-conscious,

who is actually becoming

more unconscious as time goes by,

with the speed that she was deteriorating,

really, you're faced with a situation

where you have to decide

to act urgently and save a life.

[Jan] We arrived at the hospital,

where it was explained that Lotje

was undergoing some kind of

very severe medical emergency

to her brain.

And that she had

a very high probability of... of dying.

She'd had an intracerebral

brain hemorrhage.

My initial reaction about this

was that this was a very large blood clot

and it was immediately life-threatening.

I must say that a lot of these cases

are so severe

that it isn't possible to intervene,

or if you do, you are unsuccessful.

The surgery involved

an incision on the scalp,

the removal of a small window of bone,

approximately that size,

just a small cut

through the brain substance itself

to reveal the blood clot,

and then to remove

as much of the blood clot as possible.

Now, that doesn't necessarily mitigate

the damage that's been done

by the bleed into the brain.

That is damage that is done

and can't really be reversed.

The commonest type of stroke

is actually an area of the brain

that is starved of oxygen

and loses its blood supply.

Lotje's type of stroke

is a bleed into the brain substance.

Most of them are caused

by either an abnormal blood vessel

that may be developmental,

it can be blood-clotting abnormalities,

and there are a lot of rare things

that can cause it.

There are still some tests to be done

later down the line,

but at the moment, we don't have

a clear cause for why this happened.

It may well be that we never find one,

and it may well be

we never know the cause.

[Jan] They kept her artificially asleep.

It seemed that they had no idea

if they'd even be able to wake her up.

Or if she woke up,

what her functions would be.

So during that whole 24 hours,

we literally had no idea

what the outcome would be.

Okay.

I'm alive.

-Very bad at writing...

-[woman talking indistinctly]

...but I'm not dead.

That's a start.

Very messed up...

but definitely excited to be alive.

[Jan] We came in about ten minutes

after she woke up.

She did talk...

but she was very confused.

We're not sure what's gonna happen today.

It's either gonna be a new...

plate...

place...

or something completely different.

We're just not sure.

[Lucy] I was really nervous seeing her.

And Jan had kept saying how,

you know, "It's very weird and she's...

she might not recognize you."

[whispering] For the possibilities...

for life and death.

[Jan] The fact was, she was alive.

Actually, that was the biggest,

I would say...

"Look, she's alive. And she looks great."

[therapist] Okay.

Here.

[indistinct conversation]

[therapist] Right, here we are. Hmm?

Okay.

I want you to say some words

beginning with... [emphasizing "S"]

-[emphasizing "S"]

-Yeah. [emphasizing "S"]

You think you can do that?

Um...

So, it could be, um, "sound,"

or "swing," or "sitting."

So, it's starting from... now.

[emphasizing "S"] Summer.

-Mmm.

-Or did I already...?

S... Okay.

[emphasizing "S"] Seed.

[emphasizing "S"]

[chuckles, stammers] I get--

I get too...

[sobbing]

[Jan] She wasn't able to do the tests

that they do for these situations.

[therapist]

I know you're trying your best...

[Jan] So it was becoming clear

that there was... more severe issues.

But, I mean, not knowing...

not understanding, really,

what those issues were.

[Sophie] So why don't you just tell me...

what's happened?

I was in a pretty normal,

very busy, normal...

[stammering] Kind of a clever person.

And now, I'm starting from the beginning.

[Sophie] What does it feel like?

It's extremely strange,

starting from nothing.

It's like tripping out.

[voice echoes]

I don't really know how to describe it.

How do I say it? I can't...

[stammering]

This normal world...

[stammers] Normality.

I'm very, sort of...

[echoing]

Bizarre is a way to describe it...

It's difficult to... [clicks tongue]

Uh, I guess I'm not making much sense.

Sorry.

I wish I could...

Yeah.

I'll try.

[Sophie] What about these photographs?

Do you--

-[Lotje] Pictures?

-[Sophie] Yeah.

Matilda is, um, my...

Is...

[sighs]

My...

She's...

[sighs] I can't...

My... nephew.

-Yeah, my nephew.

-[Sophie] She's your nephew?

Yes, nephew.

And now, she's also a...

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