My Beautiful Broken Brain Page #2

A nephew? Neef... Niece.

I meant, "niece."

For some reason,

I can't say the actual word itself.

This word.

-[Sophie] On that shelf?

-Yeah.

-[Sophie] A record.

-Record, yeah.

Exactly, so...

for some reason, I can say...

You say it again.

-[Sophie] Record.

-Record.

Record.

I can only say it if I don't actually...

If I go like that...

-then I can say the word "record."

-[voice echoes] Record.

But not...

[voices echoing]

You say it again.

-[Sophie] Record.

-Record, yeah.

Record.

I can't...

-[pen writing]

-I can't say it now. But I can't...

Um...

You know, I can't speak or...

No, not speak.

I can't...

be clever. [chuckles]

-[pen writing]

-What do you call it? Um...

-[Sophie] Write?

-Yeah, write.

I can't write at all.

Or be clever or be normal.

Any of that.

It's... it's beyond terrifying.

This could read "tale."

Not "tale."

-[Lotje] What does that say? It's "the"?

-[Sophie] Yeah.

[Lotje] Oh, yeah, "the."

-[Lotje] Does that say "the"?

-[Sophie] Yeah.

I've written "the" before.

[voice echoing]

I didn't think I would have trouble

with the word "the."

A-B-C-D-E-F-G...

[Lotje speaking indistinctly]

No?

-Two?

-[grunts]

[Lotje] This isn't in my

correct dictionary, in my brain.

Stew. [chuckles]

Where did that come from?

-[voice echoes indistinctly]

-My date of birth...

and I wrote it wrong.

Happy... Argh!

Okay, something's not right, here, today.

"Help." [chuckles]

That must have been the first wrote

I wrote other than "hi."

The green one is...

on top of the blue one.

-Correct?

-No.

[Lotje] I can't believe I...

can look at, uh, some words...

-[repeating] Pen. Pen. Pen.

-You know, a book or Internet...

an Internet page,

or someone's written to me an email,

-and I don't see what it says.

-[Lotje speaks indistinctly]

I know what it says.

But it's all-round

complete gobbledygook.

And I can't believe that.

[voice echoing]

[stammering]

I refuse to believe that I...

that's happening.

[Jan] She was an extremely dynamic,

extremely social,

very impassioned individual.

[Ant] She had a really, really tough job,

had to be very, very organized.

Multitasking, loads of things going on

at the same time.

[Anita] That was her existence.

Communication, writing films,

writing in general and reading.

You know, Lotje was always reading,

like, these really thick books.

[Lucy] She's the most articulate person.

So, yeah, it's kind of... [chuckles]

...it's almost obscene

that this part, um...

it's affected that part of her brain.

[woman] So, today.

It starts today, your holiday.

[Jan]

I think it's probably very alienating.

She can't interact

in the same way with people.

She gets fatigued very easily.

Mathematical function

seems to be impaired.

Which is something that

hasn't actually been addressed, really,

at all, up to this stage,

but I've noticed it.

You know, that kind of logistics,

I don't know the technical terms for it,

but, you know, these, sort of

logical things that we take for granted.

A concern I have at this stage is,

because she's so ambitious

and so energetic,

that she puts too much

pressure on herself.

And that pressure ultimately

leads to a situation

where, you know,

she gets meltdown, basically.

[Lotje] If I'm faced with the question,

"Who am I?"

I'm someone who has a huge

amount of friends,

very hard-working,

travels all over the world,

loves to read.

What if all of that evidence is removed?

What does that make me?

Something's happened to my vision,

which nobody's really explained to me yet.

Pretty normal on the left,

as long as I just keep it on the left.

If I go on the right side,

it's like a whole nother dimension.

[voice echoing] Vision to

an internal space, an inner world.

It's a heightened sense of reality.

I don't know, it becomes

a sort of euphoric notion.

Whether it's my brain or reality,

I can experience colors and sounds

like I wasn't able to before.

-It sounds like a very loud sound.

-[loud noises]

[people talking loudly]

[siren blaring]

So intensified, so exaggerated.

Everything becomes a momentary experience.

Time has a new meaning.

It's all elongated and transient.

You are in this new,

devastating and extremely scary world

that's all yours, by yourself.

[Barney] To find yourself in this world

where... everything's altered,

it's such a...

such a very strange process,

because as far as we can see,

nothing's changed.

Yet it's all changed for her.

[Lotje] Last time I was in my...

my former home, um,

it was an extremely disturbing experience.

-[man] You okay?

-Yeah.

Oh...

Okay.

[exhales]

I can do it...

It is that one. No, this one.

I don't know if I can do it.

I haven't tried it.

-[man] Must be the other one.

-This one?

[man] Mmm-hmm.

There.

Oh, this is so weird!

[Lotje] That's okay. [sighs]

It's like a dream.

Somebody did a very good job tidying.

It's like, um, something that I've, um...

changed completely.

If you see what I mean.

Ugh, I feel so pukey.

Do you feel...

I just remember trying to survive

and I don't even know.

I just... I do actually remember

giving up and not caring.

And not... [stammering]

I just was, like, in a terrible state,

and I didn't know

how I could get out of it.

You're in this weird--

like, weird, parallel-trip thing,

so you can't-- you can't say--

You're trying to explain

why you can't make a phone call

or put some clothes on and sort--

get out of here.

You just remember this weird,

bizarre thing

that just got worse and worse

into this nightmare.

And then I remember crying,

which I never cry,

but being really, really upset,

but not being able to figure out why

and how or any of that.

I just got more and more upset,

more sick, more ill,

and more, like, into this nightmare.

[Lucy] I hated the idea that

she'd gone through this all by herself...

[sighs] ...and just lay down in her bed

and, like, was ready to die.

And then something got her up.

And she did it. She got up. And...

you know, that's how...

That's why she gets up every day

and bumps into a wall

and is reminded of what's going on.

But she just... she does it,

and she keeps going.

[speaking indistinctly]

[Lotje] I haven't lived with my mother

since I was 18.

So, now I'm twent-- [stammers]

Thirty...

four.

So... [chuckling] 34 years old.

Now, we live together.

[Hente] I mean, I've never thought much

about the brain before, at all.

I mean, this is called

"acquired brain injury,"

but it's an acquired new world

at the same time.

It's very difficult

for anybody to understand,

for her friends and for anybody

around her, because--

She says it herself,

she said the other day, she said,

"I feel like a baby,

but, you know, I'm a grown-up,

and it's the two things at the same time.

You know, I need to nurture my body

and I need to have a rhythm in the day.

And, you know, just like a child.

Otherwise, I can't function at all."

On the other hand, you know,

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