My Beautiful Broken Brain Page #3

everything's there already. Um...

It's very, very difficult to understand.

[Lotje] I can keep thoughts and ideas

and thought process...

[stammering]

...that are partially finished

and partially need to keep going,

but they disappear.

So, when I can start to be able to write,

I thought, "Instead of having them

disappear into thin air,

which is horrible,

I'll try to write them."

Vi... No.

Va...

[Lotje chuckles] The problem is,

of course, is that I can't spell, so...

I don't know if that's the real word.

[voice echoing] Isola...

Isolation...

I dream mixed up dreams of the stroke.

The clock strikes.

The stroke of the clock.

And then, creepy mice.

Your dreams have a real new kind of

realness to them,

but before, they were just strange.

And you kind of

get confused between, um...

what's real and what's in your head.

Keep looking at my eye.

I'm going to bring this little target in

from the outside.

Just say "yes" when you see it

coming into view.

Now.

Now.

Now.

Now.

Now. Now. Now.

All right.

You see how much better

the field is on this side

compared to this side.

-[echoing] When you had your injury...

-[Lotje] Yeah.

...then that affected just one part...

[distorting, echoing]

...on the same part of space in each eye.

-Okay.

-Okay?

[indistinct echoing]

Okay.

I'm sort of looking around

to who this person's talking to.

I don't know who they're referring...

what, who they're referring to.

And I don't know, um...

how to respond to what they're saying.

It'll take half an hour to work.

[Sophie] I wanted to ask you

why you wanted to film this.

Why did you get in touch with me?

A lot of people in your situation would

just be thinking about their recovery.

I'm rec-- I'm obsessed

with recording everything

and I'm unable to remember anything.

So, it's like...

I think it's part of the brain

has become unable to...

um...

remember things.

You've become obsessed

with recording it...

-Mmm.

-...'cause you're just terrified

-that it's gonna get lost.

-Mmm.

[Lotje] In order to, uh, make sense of it,

I want to record it.

There is a hilariously, kind of,

surreal reality to it.

It's surreal-it's surreal.

And um, I don't know

if it's your neurological...

I don't know.

It's not me, it's...

That's what happened.

That's what it feels like.

It's like, um...

You know, you think about, um...

You know,

you think about David Lynch and...

[chuckles] ...things like that a lot.

[hands rubbing]

[Lotje] It's like being in the Red Room

in Twin Peaks.

I've been having imaginary conversations

with him in my head.

[soft music playing]

[Lotje] Dear Mr. Lynch:

My name's Lotje Sodderland,

and I live in Hackney, in London.

Two months ago,

I had an intracerebral...

[stammering] ...hemorrhage

and lost the use of my

reading and writing,

which is why I'm sending you

a video message.

It's like a dimen-- a new dimension.

It's an exquisite, painful...

sometimes, like a nightmare place

inside my head.

But it's also somewhere where I can...

get completely lost inside this beautiful

and extraor-- extraordinary new place

that I've myself discovered,

where my brain once was.

So I'd love to share it with you,

'cause I think you're gonna like it.

I'm going on a fun trip.

With my bag.

I only found out three days ago

that I was gonna go there.

This might be very, very difficult

for me to actually do properly.

I can't process the, um...

[stammering] ...the concept,

the reality of going to live

as an inpatient

in a neurological... place.

Hospital.

Full of ill people like me.

Just to imagine that I'm with a friend,

going somewhere fun,

like it would be before.

And maybe it will be after.

And that there's gonna be some

very serious moments...

[chuckling] ...inside it.

But there's no point

in me trying to imagine them,

because my brain doesn't have

the capacity to compute.

So, to compute something...

to anything like that is stupid,

is pointless, is stressful

and counterproductive.

-[clicks tongue]

-[Sophie] Okay.

[Lotje] So, are you ready

for the final countdown?

I'm ready, but the question

more importantly is, are you ready?

Well, I've got no sense of space and time,

so it's fine for me.

[both chuckling]

[Jan] We have a very close relationship.

We've had a very tumultuous life

and we've shared quite a lot of that,

so I think that's why we're quite close.

[Lotje] Our parents weren't together.

So I was brought up by my mum.

And our childhood was

an unconventional adventure.

But I always knew I could

depend on Jan for anything.

I wonder if I'll be allowed outside.

What do you think?

I think they don't tend to, uh, put...

let people outside from the secure unit.

[Lotje chuckling]

[Lotje] He has a great sense of humor.

That makes an enormous difference.

And he'll always be like that.

He's been like that since the beginning.

Even in the hospital, he'll be funny

and he'll make me laugh.

Even if I can't even laugh myself.

If I still smoked cigarettes,

I'd be allowed out.

I don't know if they would.

I think you might be tied down

until you'd given up smoking.

-How do you get out, though, and in?

-I'll show you.

[Lotje] About to be admitted.

You're going to say goodbye to the world,

especially me, 'cause I'm not coming out.

Maybe I'll be an impre--

improved specimen.

[patient moaning]

[indistinct conversations]

[loud, repetitive machine noise]

[indistinct conversations]

[chatter continues]

[whispers] I'm really...

[door closing]

Hey, Sophie.

Quick hello from the loo.

Trying to go back to being in hospital...

after being away for almost two months.

Um...

Trying to get around the psychology

of being a patient...

and being reduced...

to be equal with everybody else

who's in there with me.

I'm feeling very fortunate.

Um, I'll send you a picture of dinner,

which was at 5:
30 p.m.

I'm going to bed in just under an hour.

Have a great evening.

[loud, indistinct conversations]

[swallows]

[whispering] 1:
00 a.m.

[banging]

[Lotje whispering]

Night-time sounds at the hospital...

-remind me of when I first woke up.

-[loud, indistinct conversations]

And it felt like nobody could hear me

and I was invisible.

How terrifying that is.

Not sure that this is a good idea,

but the...

but the silence in the head

doesn't exist here.

Time to get up.

[Rebecca] It can happen to you,

it could happen to me.

It seems to be fairly indiscriminate

and that's quite a reality to behold,

I think.

Point to your forearm,

then your shoulders.

-Forearm, then my shoulders?

-Mmm-hmm.

Mmm...

shoulders...

Close.

-Shoulders.

-Mmm-hmm.

[Rebecca] It's hugely confrontational,

because unless you challenge

what someone can't do...

you won't improve it.

[whispering] This is where I learn

about the outer reaches...

of human vulnerability...

and strength...

and what a person,

what a human is made from.

What it's made from inside.

[Rebecca] Lotje has aphasia,

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes