My Big Night Page #2

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Don't go in, Yuri,

there's nobody he wants to see.

I'm not nobody.

I took the scissors away from him,

but he stabbed me with a pen.

Let me see.

If I'm late, it'll be worse.

Call him 'sir'.

and avoid eye contact.

I know.

I've been working for him

my whole life.

You're late.

Terribly sorry, sir.

I brought your meds.

I had to go into Madrid for them.

- You left me alone. Again.

- It won't happen again.

A busload of your Dutch fans

held me up.

They gave me flowers for you.

Yuri, why are we here tonight?

- To promote your new album?

- No.

To relaunch your image?

Excuse me?

I mean... update it.

- Is there a problem with my image?

- Not at all, sir.

We're not relaunching anything.

We're here for what's ours.

Yes, sir.

We have to come on

just after the chimes.

Talk to Bentez

and settle this before I sing.

It's in your contract.

Really? Read it.

"The singer... will go on first...".

It clearly says so.

Read the fine print.

"...as long as the circumstances

of the taping

do not mean rescheduling

the timing".

Something always

reschedules the timing!

This is like signing thin air.

What were you thinking?

Being on second isn't so bad.

Adanne, the "Fireman" kid,

is a big hit.

That's very nice.

Very nice indeed.

- Do you feel the pain?

- Yes!

That's how I feel when

you say these things.

I've been in showbiz for 40 years.

I've sung for the Emperor of Japan.

They love me in Russia:

you know that better than anyone.

Fix it, Yuri.

You're my PR man

my press officer, my lawyer,

my assistant.

I'm also your son, sir.

Never mix the personal

with the professional.

- I've always told you that.

- Sorry, Dad.

Dad, Dad...

Adoptive dad.

- Yes, but...

- You may forget that, I don't.

It was a freezing day in Moscow.

I didn't want to go to the orphanage.

You were skinny as a rake,

but the promoters insisted.

- Yuri, one last thing.

- Yes, sir?

What are these?

They were in my bag.

They're death threats.

- Why didn't you tell me?

- I didn't want to bother you.

It doesn't bother me.

We at the top are used to it.

- Look what happened to John.

- John? What John?

Lennon.

A friend, you were very young.

- Did you tell the police?

- Yes. It's all under control.

They don't give the letters

any credibility.

It's just someone harmless

seeking attention.

How do they know that?

Otherwise, he wouldn't have put

his name and address on them.

scar Garca.

Poor man.

WHATEVER THEY SAY

Tensions mounts at Mediafrost Studios.

Negotiations are at a standstill,

and according to...

...the unions...

the number of people laid off

could reach 500.

SCANDAL:

"Today's a special day for me.

It could be my big night".

MY BIG NIGH "We're having such a great time!

A great time, Roberto!"

Do I have to repeat it?

It emphasizes how much fun it is.

Sure.

"A great time, Roberto!

But the night is young.

You bet, Cristina!

Because now for the best of all!

The best, the best!"

More repetition.

80% of our audience is over 70.

You have to repeat things for them.

"The best! The best!

What is it?

Don't do this to me!

You don't know?

I'll give you some clues.

Don't make them hard!

He's been in showbiz

for over 40 years.

Jos Luis Moreno!

No, no.

- He was number 1 in Russia.

- Gorbachev!

He sang for the Emperor of Japan!

Frank Sinatra!

No! Frank Sinatra is dead!"

Do I have to always look retarded?

Retarded? Why?

Sh*t, I don't know anything,

he explains it all to me,

and gets the punch lines.

On Page 15 you get a joke.

The giraffe joke? F*** off.

It's funny.

I'll take it.

F***ing great,

now you get all the lines!

You're the f***ing great comedian,

and I'm the ditz

who flashes her tits.

You want me to show my tits?

Why else did you get a boob job?

You look like a turkey.

- They're natural.

- Like all-natural yogurt.

Please, let's go over this.

"We're having such a great time!

A great time, Roberto!"

Do you think I'm an idiot?

I know what you're up to.

What is it now?

- You want to present "Survivors".

- Me?

Your agent spoke to

the channel executives.

You're trash talking me.

You sent videos of my bloopers

to the bosses.

That's not true.

They forwarded them to me!

Now I have to go along

with your crap here.

What's up?

You think it's funny?

I wasn't laughing.

Yes, you were. Everyone is.

Go laugh in the f***ing street!

Go on, out!

You're nodding off.

I need some good laughs!

Everyone laugh, you fucks!

That's it.

Okay, enough!

Is there WiFi?

Production changed the code again.

Try "1234".

Nothing.

Maybe it's "production1234"?

What about

"NewYearsEve1234"?

I've got an old phone.

It only takes photos.

Let me see...

It's like the one my dad got me

when I finished junior high!

"Are you with Mom?"

What?

You just got a message from Mara.

My sister.

I have to pick up my mother,

she's alone at home.

They said we're not leaving here

until it's done.

Seriously?

They're afraid the pickets

won't let us back in tomorrow.

I have to pick up my mother.

- How much is he paying you?

- What?

To give him the best jokes.

500, 1000 Euros?

Let's do this:

I'll read his lines

and he can read mine.

It's not like that.

You're wrong.

Do you want me to tell Benitez?

You're screwing him, huh?

Please, Roberto.

It's a simple question.

Are you screwing Bentez or not?

- We're making too much of this...

- I am not!

Let's calm down

and read the script.

If you read it with gusto, it works.

Are you saying I read badly?

I don't know how to read a text?

You're telling me how to read?

You, you loser?

You clown!

Come on, start your engines.

Give it all you've got.

- Let's go.

- Don't touch me!

I'm going to crush you.

- Slut!

- F*ggot!

What's this?

The scar?

I fell off a swing.

My sister pushed me too hard.

I've got one too,

right here.

Can you feel it?

Yes. Yes.

Of course I feel it.

A broken bottle in the San Fermines.

Next to the jugular.

It could've killed you.

That's nothing.

An Alsatian on an end-of-year

trip to Fuengirola.

I love it.

- Fuengirola?

- No, the scar.

I love scars.

Oh yeah? Why?

Because...

They're sexy, like tattoos.

No. Am I right?

Tattoos are fake.

They're what you'd like to be,

you make them up.

But scars are real.

You don't choose them,

they're your life.

I hadn't thought about that.

Holy Christ! Was it a shark?

Moray eel.

- I had a scuba diver boyfriend.

- Want to see something nasty?

Yes, please.

Jose, what are you doing?

Appendicitis, 14 years old.

A near death experience.

It was horrible.

Hey, champ, pull your pants up.

We've been here

a week and a half.

Shooting over and over again

because people like you

don't take their job seriously.

I'm sorry.

I didn't show much.

I love your scar.

Really?

You got it!

That's amazing, b*tch!

- We can get some cash from him!

- What, b*tch?

Get it inside you, get pregnant

and then hit him for real money.

How do you do it, b*tch?

Go to a clinic and say

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