My Dead Boyfriend Page #8

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Ah...

And he just stopped.

I didn't know what to do.

Primo.

Ooh, sh*t.

I thought

he would look more real

if it was in front of the TV,

but nothing looked real,

so then I figured

if I added some music to that,

it would look like some crazy,

over-stimulated heart attack.

I never killed anyone before.

I'm so sorry.

I wanted to tell you.

You know, I forgot about you.

I know you did.

No, I didn't forget about you

in my life. I never knew you

to forget about you.

I forgot about you today.

I forgot the man I've been

having dinner with for a year...

Mary.

Who I was about

to break up with...

Mary.

Is actually my father.

I was just... I was...

I forgot. That's the day

I've been having.

You have to listen to me.

I don't want to.

I wasn't ready.

I was... not ready,

for your mother or... you.

I was 18 when she got pregnant

and I-I guess I was just...

Gutless?

Well, I was gonna say

very young, but...

Hey.

Uh...

do you wanna come in?

Why didn't you tell me?

You have really nice taste.

Thank you.

Why didn't you tell me

about Zoe?

I didn't know.

Not until after I saw her

with you last night,

and then...

after that, I just...

I didn't wanna be

the guy that...

told you that your best friend

slept with your boyfriend.

It just d-didn't seem

like a great way to start.

Howard?

Yeah?

I'm having

a really f***ed-up day.

Oh, okay. Um...

do you not want me to...

Mm...

Try

Just try me one time

Mm...

If your love

should leave you

And you're all alone

Don't worry, don't worry

Just pick up the phone

I promise that

I'll be there

Whenever you wish

to call...

For any of you

who wanna try this at home,

let this be a warning.

If your father leaves you

when you're a year old,

and then comes back as an

imposter for almost a year,

and you just happen

to have the remains

of your cheating

boyfriend available

to crack your newfound

parent's skull,

although you would think there's

a mountain of just cause,

they nevertheless will still

arrest you for assault.

The good news is,

hookers not only dish out

surprisingly helpful

relationship advice,

but they also reward you

with a standing ovation

if you're bailed out

by a cute male friend.

The bad news is, you may become

one of those freaky

New York celebrities.

I will hold you

so close to me

I'll love you so tenderly

Just try,

please try me one time

Hi.

Hi.

Here's my short story.

It's about Primo.

Oh, great!

Two hundred pages.

Yes, it is.

Uh, you wanna come inside?

I have to go. Maybe later.

Okay.

It's remarkable

how an incredibly

brilliant, sexy, alive man

could be standing in front

of you for so long

and you just don't know it.

And even more remarkable

is how particularly unflirtable

a person can all

of a sudden appear

when they turn out

to be your father.

Joey Lucas had a bigger nose.

I know.

Mom threw away

all the pictures of you.

I always sent you money.

Did your mother tell you that?

Can you blame her?

No.

Are you gonna press charges?

Ow.

Maybe.

When my mother got wind

of all the events of that day,

and who Joey Lucas

turned out to be,

"How did he look?"

I told her that,

like the rest of us,

he looked a lot better

before Primo got a hold of him.

Nevertheless,

I insisted that the father

formerly known as Joey Lucas

up the ante

to even nicer restaurants

at least once a week.

Howard and I, along

with the rest of the world,

heroically survived Y2K.

And now, together,

we are ready to face

a simpler, new millennium...

despite the fact

that I've begun to smell

like a Golden Retriever.

Sadly, I didn't end up winning

the Scholastic writing contest,

and, more importantly,

the five grand.

But I did finally

figure out a way

to get Howard to move on

to a new song.

And my newfound

New York Post celebrity status

landed me a variety

of writing jobs.

Eventually my Primo story

ended up in the New York Times.

And after much debate

and about 300 voicemails

from the apartment-searching

creeps

who obviously love

a good tabloid story,

I finally acquired

a new roommate.

Actually, two.

Sue had read about me

in the Post

and called immediately

with the sentence:

No wonder

you're so f***ed up.

Mmm.

Hello, hello. Alright, mwah.

See you in a bit.

How we doin', guy?

Good.

Good.

You two gonna be okay?

What, we gonna be okay?

Yes.

Yes, we're gonna be just fine.

We are Beautiful Cock!

You're the one

most likely to succeed

Just be sure

to keep your head

'Cause girl you know

that's all you need

Everyone around you

adores you

Don't give up the world

is waitin' for you

Love is all around,

no need to waste it

You can have the town,

why don't you take it

You're gonna

make it after all

You're gonna

make it after all

And as for Primo,

it took us exactly 4 months,

12 days and about 500 beers,

but we knew

it was bound to happen.

Like the 20th century

now officially behind us,

things just

couldn't last forever.

And on one fateful night,

following hours and hours

of senseless conversation,

Primo's name...

just never came up.

You can have the town,

why don't you take it

You're gonna

make it after all

You're gonna

make it after all

You're gonna

make it after all

I... I've got a story

I'd like to tell

It's in pieces

for right now

But it'll come

together soon

If you want a new one faxed

I've been in love with you

for quite some time

Stands still for me

each and every day after day

I'm constantly amazed,

I'm amazed

That I get to be with you

Oh I get to be

with you all alone

I... I've got a story

I'd like to tell

It's in pieces

for right now

But it'll come

together soon

If you want a new one faxed

If you want

a new one faxed

Yeah a new one faxed

Oh a new one faxed

Ooh ooh ooh

ooh ooh

Ooh ooh ooh

ooh ooh

Ooh ooh ooh

I feel so lonely

standing here

No one to root for

and plum out of cheers

The bleachers are empty,

nobody here to tempt me

What I could use right now

is a good massage

Or a piggyback ride

or a nice hot bath

There's no cure for extinction

no one to pay attention

No gossip no invention

Oh. Oh.

Oh, but you're here for me,

aren't you, boys?

Ha!

Hey.

I tied a rope to my waist

and around this town

Rounded the earth

its massive girth and found

A letter of living

I recognized my writing

Bunny rabbits teddy bears

martinis and a funny noise

I wanna cuddle with Bonnie

and all those boys

Lightning rod tie-up

in a rainstorm

And honk

my little bike horn

Ho!

Ha.

I love to go shopping

for days on end

For decor liquor

and patent pen

The walk I've developed

while toting an umbrella

A very little fella

I could scream I could cry

I could laugh and pout

Rubber ducky don't talk back

I'll drown you out

Immerse you in bubbles

to play with my pee-pee

Like my poodle Viti

Oh.

Give me horseback rides

and you can feed me hay

I wanna crank Liberace and

dance all day

Burn the spaghetti

and throw around confetti

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