My Dead Boyfriend Page #7

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Well, does it really matter?

I mean, they're just ashes.

I said the same thing,

but, you know, this guy...

Uh, can you hold on a minute?

What the hell is that?

Um... Hello.

Hello, this is Carl Bernstein.

I believe you have my father?

Um... does it really matter?

I mean, they're just ashes.

I don't think so, a**hole!

Excuse me?

I'm on the FDR. I should

be there in about 20 minutes.

Yeah? Yeah,

you want some of this?!

Mary?

Oh, hey, Howard.

Hi.

Why are you vacuuming the dog run?

I'm not.

It's a dentist from Queens.

I thought it was Primo,

but it's not.

It's somebody's father,

whose son just called me

from the FDR,

and he sounds like

a fast driver, so I better go.

Hello.

Hello.

I just went out

for a pack of cigarettes

and I thought I'd bring

your father along.

Was he a smoker?

Here.

So good to have my Primo.

Whoops.

Goodbye.

Drive carefully.

Oh, God.

Mary, it's Joey.

Give me a call.

Do you wanna

get a cup of coffee?

Yeah?

Oh, sh*t.

Do they really believe

that the whole body is in there?

I mean, the amount of ashes

in here, it seems like it's...

at most a burnt head.

Mary? Ma-Mary?

Oh...

Primo's little porno manuscript

is a book!

He's f***ing published!

Hey, hey! Hey, ma'am.

What do you think you're doin'?

Ma'am?! What do I think

I'm doing?! This is trash.

Perhaps you've heard

of the First Amendment?

This is not

a First Amendment issue.

This is a bad-writing issue!

He was not that talented.

Otherwise,

I never would've dated him!

Oh... I think you guys

need to leave!

Pay for the ripped book in cash

and leave, please!

The books you have here

are very bad!

Uh. sorry. Yeah. Yeah,

I would imagine!

Are you gonna pay for that?

I'll, uh...

That's 6.99.

We don't take credit cards.

Uh...

I'm, uh...

It's seven.

And you knocked over my signs.

Norma, can you tell Sue that I

can't make it to rehearsal ever?

Yes, ever.

And if you want to know why,

meet me at the Tomkins Square

Dog Park at noon.

Nice to talk to you, too.

Bonsoir to you, too.

Hey, this is Zoe.

Leave a message.

Zoe, if you get this

before noon,

it's time to send

our beloved Primo

into the winds

of Tomkins Square Park.

Mary, it's your mother.

I had the strangest

conversation yesterday.

Oh, Christ, I dropped

the phone. Anyway, I was

at the Greenwoods Mall,

which is much nicer these days,

with the open-air thing

that they're doing now,

and they just put in

a Supercuts.

So I ran into Louise Marcetti.

You, of course,

would have no idea who that is,

because Marcetti

is her new husband's name.

By the way, I thought it was

so nice to hear

that a woman is still taking

her man's name,

not like you kids nowadays,

having to prove your

independence left and right,

which is...

it's just exhausting, Mary.

It actually wasn't

such a surprise

when I found out

she was remarried in 1979,

when women

still their heads on straight.

The thing is her name

before Marcetti was Lucas.

Louise Lucas,

Joey Lucas's wife, Mary.

Now, she looked wonderful

and she seemed

to have all her faculties,

so imagine my surprise

when she tells me her Joey -

Joey Lucas, that is -

was killed

in a car accident in 1978.

You remember that ice storm

in January that year.

The poor thing went

into the median

on the Jersey Turnpike.

He was decapitated.

Now, I'm assuming the man

you've been having dinner with

for almost a year

does have a head, so it's

either a different Joey Lucas,

or a homicidal maniac, dear.

Okay, call me.

Mary, it's Joey.

Please give me a call.

Hey, it's me. Leave a message.

Hey, it's me.

Leave a message.

You have two more

messages.

Hi, Nick. It's Janie.

Call me. Kiss-kiss.

Hey, McCrawley,

it's Jimmy. Call me!

I'm up to my ears in paperwork

and I wanna talk to you

about this claim.

I'm here all day, so call me, Nick.

Hey, it's me. Leave a message.

Hi, Joey.

Uh, I mean Nick.

I mean... Dad?

It's your daughter... Mary.

Okay, everybody,

welcome to Wigstock 1999!

Put your hands together for

the lovely Schuyler Versailles.

Come on, girl,

let 'em have it! Whoo!

One of her nuts just popped out,

but that was a hot move.

Oh, there she is.

Hey, Mary! Hey.

What the hell's goin' on?

My dad's in town.

Christ, Norma.

Did you give her something?

F*** you, Sue. I haven't

done drugs in weeks.

I wanna reintroduce you

before I...

Mary, I'm so sorry.

Oh, my God. Is that Primo?

Primo? Where?

Who the f*** are you?

Listen, you gotta believe me.

It just happened,

I swear to God.

He would flirt with me

and he'd call me

when you were at work,

and... and it was

that f***ing Primo.

He just gave me all this attention

and I couldn't get away from him.

But it was just sex.

I swear to God, it was only sex.

And then... we started

going on walks together and...

I didn't know what I was doing,

Mary. He was such a sh*t,

and I started to like him.

Then I met that f***er Howard

at the dog park

one day with Primo,

and I knew he'd tell you

about me, and I'm so sorry.

So you're Josie?

I thought her name was Zoe.

Howard couldn't

remember your name.

Wh-what the f***'s

goin' on here, huh?

Howard didn't tell you about me?

No.

So this morning

outside of your apartment,

he didn't...

Oh, sh*t.

You were f***ing Primo

while I was living with him?!

Wait, wh-what is this? Hello?

Looks like I'm the only one here

who hasn't gotten me some Primo.

Marilyn.

Whoops. Sorry.

Wait, when the hell was this?

It's just a couple times...

at the beginning.

Are you f***ing kidding me?

You told me to marry him!

I didn't tell you to f*** him!

He came on to me.

Ask her.

She knows what it's like.

Sh*t, I thought

he married an Asian stripper.

What did you f***ing say?

Who are these people?

Mary's in our band.

You're in a band?

Oh, my...

God, you're in a band?!

Wait, did...

did you date Primo?

Yes.

Yeah.

And you're the Asian stripper.

There you are.

Say that one more f***ing time,

I'ma f***ing...

Did I miss the ash blow?

This Sue Watt.

- Sue Watt?

- And you're in her band.

Who is this?

Sue... Watt.

Who the f*** is this woman?

It has been quite a while,

but I have been meaning to say

something to you, Sue Twat!

Oh, sh*t.

What the f*** is going on here?!

Primo tait le mien.

F***!

And, uh, tu l'as vraiment vol!

He was mine and you took him.

You took him for you,

took him like, uh, you take a...

Like you take a dump.

Oui.

Is this Primo?

You do not touch him!

Today, Primo belongs

to no one... but the earth...

and the sky and the wind.

This is such a lovely tribute.

So many beautiful

dancing trannies

and colorful wigs and balloons.

So did everybody here

sleep with Primo?

Huh. My goodness.

Wait, Mary.

What about the ash blow?

Allo?

Mary, please.

Mary, please,

there's one more thing

I have to tell you.

I killed Primo!

It was... it was the last time

I was with him.

Primo!

Oh, yeah, that's it.

Oh, great.

It's coming!

Oh!!

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