My Dead Boyfriend Page #6

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Yeah, I know. He just got

off work. He's a manager.

Well, am I to assume that

the job opening he's speaking of

is in a Kopy Kopy Kopy store?

Because have you ever been

in a Kopy Kopy Kopy store?

They're like Nazis in there,

and the workers

have to get the copies out

in two minutes flat,

or else they're like

tortured in the back room,

and their fingers are

all covered with paper cuts.

And I'm not f***ing kidding you,

some of them have gone missing.

You're not exactly

loaded with options, Mare.

Well, I am loaded with

the option

never to work

at a Kopy Kopy Kopy store.

And he's gay.

Ugh.

I knew you'd say that. I know

that you think everybody's gay.

No, I don't.

I think your new boyfriend,

who wants me to work

at Kopy Kopy Kopy, is gay.

Mary.

Mary?

Mary.

Mary?

Oh, God.

Oh my God.

Hi. Uh, the door was open.

Sorry, I-I, uh, didn't know

if you were, um...

It's okay. It's okay.

Um, what time is it?

Uh, it's, um,

quarter after 3:
00.

Mm. I guess I was

catching up on some sleep.

Well, I was worried

because you didn't, uh...

you didn't pick up Spike

and, uh...

I didn't know if you got home

okay last night. You know?

Thanks.

Do you want a Pop Tart?

Uh...

do you have any ice cream?

Chocolate-chip.

What kind of Pop Tart?

Frosted cinnamon.

Wow, perfect.

Yes, I would. Thank you.

I've got a story

and I could tell

It's in pieces

for right now

But it'll come again soon

If you only knew

all the facts

Only knew all the facts

I've been in love with you

for quite some time

Stands still for me each

and every day after day...

You almost done

with the short story?

Sh*t. What time

did you say it was?

Uh, well,

it's a little after 3:15 now.

Sh*t. Um, I'll be back later

to pick up Spike, I promise.

Oh, alright. That's fine.

Do you...?

Um... the bedroom's

back to the left.

There's only one bathroom.

Call me if you're interested.

Ice cream?

Where's Sue?

Oh, hey. She's not here.

Do you wanna get a drink?

Absolutely.

Well, what if Sue comes back?

We'll leave her a note.

I've been screwing the bartender

at that place across the street,

so drinks should be a bargain.

So how long was Sue

married to that guy?

What's his name again?

Primo.

Mm.

Primo, right.

Sue never married him.

Oh, I just assumed that...

Norma did.

Somebody had to.

Why? What do you mean?

He just needed

a lot of attention.

You know the type.

I don't understand.

Why did you marry him?

That was Sue's bright idea.

I had a job at the time

that had health insurance,

and she thought it would be

a good idea for him to marry me,

and then he could have

my insurance

and then... go to rehab.

Until they started f***ing.

There's Sue.

She doesn't know anything.

Ix-nay on the imo-Pre.

No oblem-pre.

Just got f***ing evicted.

Can you believe it?

I got a f***ing kid.

You're kidding.

Why?

Well, I didn't pay the rent.

Oh, how unreasonable.

Did you rehearse?

Yes, we did, Sue.

And you were sorely missed.

Mary here is quite impressive.

Didn't you wear that yesterday?

So you're in this girl's band?

Yeah, you've seen me

in a band before.

It's not that strange.

But it's the ex-wife's...

of your dead boyfriend's band.

Can we change

the subject? Waiter?

How long was Primo

married to this woman?

He wasn't.

He just had her kid.

He married her friend instead.

She's in the band, too.

Jeez.

You know, you asked me

how I'm doing,

and then you get all judgy.

I-I'm not...

Can we get another one of these?

I'm not... I'm not judging you.

Are you okay?

Why doesn't everyone keep

asking me that? I am terrific.

It turns out

that my ex-dead boyfriend

was the most exciting man

that I have ever met.

Of course, while he was with me,

he was pretending to be a

total loser, which is of course

why I was attracted to him

in the first place,

which,

now that I think about it,

just adds

to his f***ing brilliance.

F***ing falling in love

with him.

But he's dead, Mary.

You just never understood him.

Look, of course

I don't understand him.

I never even met him.

Joey, Primo. Primo, Joey.

Are you happy now?

You-you keep his urn

in your purse?

Judge, judge, judge.

I just don't understand.

I mean, did I...

did I do something wrong?

And why are you

drinking so much?

Judgy, judgy, judgy.

Stop saying that. Judgy, judgy, judgy.

Stop it. I...

Look, I'm just...

Primo, I love you.

Oh, don't.

Uh, that's... not... clean.

Look, I'm worried about you.

I love ya. I can't help it.

I know. I'm sorry.

I have to go.

Where? Come on, Mare,

don't do that...

Hey, lady.

You're gonna have to dump that.

No open containers.

The other one, too.

This is my boyfriend.

Although I do think

he would be flattered

that an officer of the law

mistook him

for a decanter of Jim Beam,

'cause he was an alcoholic.

"Courtesy, Professionalism,

Respect."

That's all I ever wanted

from a man.

Mary?

Hola.

Hey.

Hi.

Sorry.

No, no, it's okay.

Excuse me. What's going on?

Oh, dear. Where are

you from, New Jersey?

Well, actually...

Tomorrow's Wigstock,

a celebration

of our beautiful righteousness.

Oh, is it Wigstock already?

I totally forgot.

Oh, Lord.

Can I get a hit of that?

It's my boyfriend!

Alright!

No need to bite my head off.

Go ahead and drink him up.

Goodbye, Primo.

We had some good times.

I counted them, actually. Three.

Goodbye, Primo.

We had three good times.

Primo?

Primo Schultz?!

I guess it's more dramatic

if the wind's blowing.

Oh, my God.

Zoe?

He's cheating on me.

Who?

Jeff!

With a girl?

Was it one of the workers?

I had such a bad feeling.

I knew it.

It was going so well,

and then I had to give him

the... 1-2-3.

The 1-2-3?

Yeah, the 1-2-3.

He was asleep in my bed and

it was so... perfect, I swear.

Then I had this little feeling

that I just...

I had to do this

one little check,

so... I dialed his number...

and when the machine came on,

I hit 1-2-3, right?

'Cause almost everyone I know

never changes the code

from the original

when you buy the f***in' thing,

because who else is gonna check

your messages but you?

And you.

And me.

But, I swear,

it's just a quick check.

Just a quick check.

Just to make sure

that his friends

aren't discussing me

as a conquest,

or his mother

isn't calling too much,

and then... it was Debbie.

Three loving calls

from that Kopy slut. And...

I wish I'd just left it alone,

because ignorance is such bliss.

You said it, sister.

Oh, my life sucks.

No, it doesn't.

Yeah, it does.

I miss Mommy's Little Whore.

No, you don't.

Yeah, I do.

You never cared about it.

Zoe...

I'm sorry, Mary.

I'm so sorry.

Zoe...

Zoe.

Zoe?

Hello?

Hello?

Mrs. Schultz?

Have you scattered my Primo yet?

Uh... well...

Good. Those f***ers

gave us the wrong ashes.

You've got

some dentist from Queens.

His son was here.

He's got Primo,

and he's gonna stop by

at your place this morning

to get his father.

What? When?

This morning. Are you deaf?

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