My Dead Boyfriend Page #5

---

Except your drummer

kinda sucked.

I know.

Why...

why'd you guys break up?

Well, he was nice,

but he was really stupid.

I meant the band.

Oh, well... we just started

it for a lark.

I mean, my best friend Zoe,

the lead singer,

I mean, she would've continued,

but, you know, for me,

it was just a lark.

You said that.

Do you have any rolling papers?

- Yeah.

- Are you f***ing deaf?

I mean, there's no future.

People that I know

that end up in bands,

they all become drunken losers,

which is really where

most of them end up.

I mean, believe me,

I write about it, so I know,

and being in a band can

lead to a disastrous,

drug-induced, pathetic end.

- Really, I consider myself lucky.

- I don't give a f***

how you wanna play it!

This is my band!

The day you start a band

and I come for tryouts,

that's when you can tell

me how to do it! F*** off!

Oh, try the Village Vanguard!

They love jazz!

Don't waste my time, and don't

waste Beautiful Cock's time.

If you got a problem with that,

door's over there. Next!

Good luck.

Who the hell are you?

I'm Mary McCrawley.

Where's your bass?

Plannin' to f***ing hum?

I actually, uh...

Here, use this.

I wanted to tell you, um...

Here.

Well, I have played bass before.

I guess I could give it a whirl.

Yeah, let's do it.

It's in E.

Do it against the drums.

Okay?

Alright.

One, two!

One, two, three, four!

Alright, alright, alright!

Look who's up.

That's Herman.

Hi.

Babe, you can...

you can go back and play, love.

Were you in Mommy's

Little Whore?

I can't believe anybody knew us.

If you joined us, you'd have

to dress a bit sexier.

Yeah? I mean, uh,

you know that.

Yeah, of course.

Alright.

Well, we'll let you know.

I mean, it is a group decision.

Ahem.

Oh, f*** this. You're in.

What?

Another fine group decision.

Aren't there

some other girls out there?

I think Sue

scared them all away.

Well, f*** them.

They're all children anyway,

10 times worse than you.

Really?

Rehearsal tomorrow at 4:00.

Right here.

Great.

Thanks.

Yeah. Oh, Christ. What the

f*** you carry in this thing?

Uh... Thanks.

Joey?

Mary. Uh, one sec.

Uh... nah.

How are ya?

What are you doin'?

I was, uh, you know, shopping.

Uh... are we on

for dinner tomorrow...

or not?

Sure.

Okay, then.

I'll see you then.

F***.

Sh*t.

Hi, this is Zoe.

How can I help you save

hundreds of dollars

on your car insurance today?

Oh, my God. That's how

you have to answer the phone?

Hi. I know. Can you

believe it? New management.

Takes everything in my power

not to say,

"Hi, this is Zoe. How would you

like to titty-f*** me today?"

And where the hell

have you been?

You've got to meet

this new guy I'm seeing.

I've been writing.

Um, I need to talk to you.

I have kind of

a serious guy problem.

Oh, Christ, get in line.

Okay, um...

Arrow Bar Happy Hour,

ladies drink for free till 7:00.

And that b*tch better let me out

for happy hour. Can you make it?

I think I could be there

in, like, 30 minutes.

I should be writing.

Yeah, we got those invoices

out to you on Monday.

Zoe?

Yeah, of course. Absolutely.

Have a wonderful day.

Zoe?

Hmm.

Hey.

Hi! Howard, hi!

Oh, hi.

Hi, Howard!

How'd you know I was here?

You, uh, you called me

from the payphone.

I did?

I should not smoke pot.

Pedro Almodovar.

Why did I call?

Uh, you didn't say.

I- I just thought

you were concerned about Spike.

That is impossible.

I'm just havin' a drink

with my Primo.

Pedro Almodovar.

Why do you keep saying that?

What?

Pedro Almodovar.

Hmm. He's a

film director.

Hmm?

I know.

It's a drunk test I do.

As long as I can say Pedro

Almodovar, then I'm not drunk.

I'm not drunk.

Look, where is Zoe? I've been

waiting for her for hours.

Zoe?

My dearest,

dearest friend, Howard.

But she's not gonna be

my dearest,

dearest friend anymore,

because I'm in a band.

She's not gonna like it.

What do you listen to, Howard?

Listen to?

Oh, you mean for music.

Um, well,

right now I'm listening

to "Try Me One Time"

by Delores Johnson.

"Try Me One Time."

By Delores Johnson, yeah.

So that's it?

Just the one song?

As far as music goes, yeah,

pretty much right now, yeah.

Nurse!

Oh, you know what?

How... how about I, uh,

how about I take you home?

I- I don't think

your friend's comin'.

You wouldn't cheat on me,

would you, Howard?

No, I wouldn't.

'Cause you're an honest man.

You're the most honest man

I've ever met.

But you're young

and it's all gonna change,

and soon you'll just be another

leaving, cheating, lying,

porno-writing,

painting, dying man.

But for now...

you're good people.

Thank you.

You know, I had a question

for Zoe about breaking up,

'cause she's a professional

breaker-upper,

but she doesn't seem to be

here, so can you help me?

Um, sure. Yeah, I-I didn't

know you were seeing anyone.

Was it that guy I met

at your apartment, Joey?

Bingo.

Oh.

Did... did Primo know?

I wasn't cheating on Primo.

Primo was cheating on me

with Josie.

So you've only been seeing

this guy since Primo died?

Well, technically,

we're not seeing each other,

because I've always been

dating someone

since we've been together,

but I don't know,

it's just an awkward

break-up because...

Pedro Almodovar.

It's awkward, Howard, because

I've flirted with him so much.

I mean,

he's not officially my type,

but I don't know,

I'm an a**hole.

I always knew he wasn't my type.

Well, are you sure?

I am sure,

'cause this is my type.

Well, I mean, then I would think

that if you aren't

seeing each other,

then it would be easier

to, you know...

break up with him.

You would think that.

But I think he really likes me.

I mean, I know he likes me.

I know the look.

The look?

The look. You know,

it's like these eyes,

like, little sweet eyes,

and this crooked smile,

like he wants to just

hug me or something.

You know, the look?

Anyway, he's just

a really, really nice guy,

and free dinners

are just fantastic.

Aren't free dinners

just fantastic?

Uh, Pedro Almodovar.

Thanks.

Do you think I flirt too much?

No, I don't.

Thank you.

I have to go

to the ladies' room.

Okay.

Hey.

Hey, Zoe.

Zoe, Howard.

Howard, Zoe.

Howard is the most

honest man in town.

Hi.

You missed the free drinks.

I know.

Mamie Eisenhower

wouldn't let me leave.

Well, let's go somewhere else.

Come on, Howard.

No, actually, I'm gonna...

I'm gonna get goin'.

But if you want to pick up

Spike, here's my address.

Nice meeting you.

Same to you.

You scared away my dog-walker.

Oh, who cares? Come on.

I need a drink. Jeff said

he'd meet us at the Double Down.

Hi!

Hey-hey-hey.

This is Mary.

Hi.

Cute top.

Thanks. Right back at ya.

Zozo's told me so much

about you.

Did she tell you

we had an opening at the store?

Yeah, that's great.

Can we have some girl talk

for just a second?

Sure.

Alright, one second.

What's up?

Your new guy Jeff is wearing

a Kopy Kopy Kopy shirt.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes