My Dead Boyfriend Page #4

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real survivors.

Those little f***ers.

Now look at us,

all wrapped up in latex,

both literally and emotionally,

which Teddy here enjoys,

but, mmm, what about the rest?

So is Primo the father?

You'd have to ask Sue.

She was already juggling

two men when Primo bounced back

into her life.

A chance encounter

at an AA meeting,

a little sake during dinner,

and - pfft - out pops

baby Herman.

Herman?

AA?

If Ted and I have learned

anything in all our years,

it's to not have a cocktail

within 24 hours

of your AA meeting.

But Primo was one of

the real free radicals.

He was really... mm.

An a**hole.

You know what?

I can accept that.

But also an intuitive artist.

I still have some of

the videos he made with Sue.

I scored them with music

from A Chorus Line.

I think Primo

would've loved the irony.

He made films?

He mostly choreographed.

Was it a heroic death?

He was watching TV.

That's how Ted's mother died.

Hello?

Did you...

did you just call me

and hang up?

It's f***ing two in the morning.

Wow. You said you

wanted to borrow money.

I do, but I thought you'd write

me a check or something.

No, this is easier.

Uh... Alright.

Thanks for the

late-night speedy service.

I promise I'll pay it

all back, I swear.

Don't worry about it.

Hello? I said

put your jacket on, Herman.

Hello? Who is it?!

Hi.

Hi. Come in.

I guess you, uh, saw my flyer.

Yeah, thanks for coming over.

Do you want to get that?

I can wait.

No, thanks.

I don't know

who the f*** you are,

but I'm gettin'

pretty f***ing sick of it.

One more f***ing time,

and I'm calling

the f***ing police, a**hole!

Thanks.

Sure.

You a writer?

Sometimes. Really? I'm a...

I'm a reader.

That's nice.

Nah. No, I'm...

uh, I mean,

I do part-time work

for Scholastic,

the publishing house.

I read manuscripts

and short-story submissions.

Really?

Do they need anybody else?

I don't think so,

but, uh... Oh!

Oh, it's too bad.

There's a... a short-story

competition going on right now.

The winner gets $5,000

and... and tons of press.

Well, why is that too bad?

Well, the deadline's

in six days.

Wednesday, the 29th.

Well, I can make that.

I have a lot of stuff

I've been working on.

It's just a short story, right?

Yeah.

Well, um, definitely,

if you could get me in.

Or have you read

any of the other ones?

Yeah, and...

they all suck. Trust me.

Really? Hmm.

Oh, sh*t. Wednesday

is the 29th, today's the 23rd,

I have to be in New Rochelle

in, like, 45 minutes.

Oh, well, you should be fine.

It's the opposite commute.

Well, I don't have a car.

Well, that...

will definitely take

a little longer.

Jesus.

So this Sue Watt was a stripper

when Primo was married to her?

I'm not sure.

Howard, how do you own a car

on a part-time-reader

and dog-walker salary?

Oh, well,

it wasn't very expensive.

So the Helne woman, the French

one, he dated her... in college?

Right.

So then who's Josie?

I don't know. You're the one

that brought up Josie.

She's the make-out queen

of the dog run.

Do you sell drugs?

No.

No, I-I'm currently investing

in an online dating website

with a few friends.

It doesn't really pay yet.

You know,

it's kind of a slow process.

So, wait, when did he date

the drag queen, then?

Late '80s.

Late '80s.

You think people

are really gonna wanna

date off of the Internet?

I mean,

that sounds extra-creepy.

Oh, yeah, definitely.

And make friends on it, as well.

Ugh.

That's even more pathetic.

But that said, Howard,

I am an occasional

professional writer,

so if you ever need any help...

Mary McCrawley.

That's it. You...

I read your article

in The Voice,

the one about the state

of the music scene.

Really? That was a while ago.

I've always remembered it.

It was... hysterical.

Thanks, Howard.

Actually, it wasn't supposed

to be funny.

Oh.

Are you sure?

Do I have too much makeup on?

I wouldn't go so crazy

with the blush next time.

Oh. Thanks.

Come on in.

I'm watching my stories.

Would you give me a push?

Primo's room is straight ahead.

He's on the bed.

There in the box

are some of his poems.

Maybe you'd like

to read one of them

at, uh... at the,

uh... uh...

Ash blow?

Mm, sure.

You can take any of

the stuff that you want.

"Go ahead.

Kiss to your heart's content.

It won't make you any younger

or any more in love.

And I can laugh much longer

while thinking

how the both of you...

can't believe either hasn't

or will ever kiss another

to wilt and wither this one."

It has two titles:

"For Sue" or "F*** You, F***."

I like the second one.

Um, are you Mary?

We spoke on the phone.

I came to look at the apartment.

Well, this is it.

Uh... is there an...

a bedroom?

Hey. How's the short story

coming along?

Great.

Do you need me to get you

some food or somethin'?

No, thanks.

Hey, Spike.

How are you?

These all yours?

Yeah, mostly.

I really like 'em.

Thanks.

What's this?

Uh... oh, you know,

I used to work

for this big catering company,

and they fired me

for being lazy,

so I wrote them this nasty

letter. And then they sent me

these f***ing photos

as f***ing evidence.

"Oh, she's lazy." Huh.

Okay. Well,

we'll be back in a jiff.

Mary, hi. It's Joey.

So I guess

we aren't doin' dinner

since I haven't heard from you.

Everything okay?

Call me?

Mare, what the f***?

Where are you? Call me.

One

Singular sensation

Every little step

she takes

One

Thrilling combination

Every move that she makes

One smile and suddenly

nobody else will do

You know

you'll never be lonely

With you know who

One moment in her presence

And you can forget

the rest

For the girl

is second best to none

Son

Ah...

Hi.

Hi, Joey.

You okay? I been worried.

Oh, I'm sorry, I know.

I've just been really busy.

Ah. Can I come in?

Um...

I brought donuts.

It's okay,

I'm not gonna be long.

Jesus.

Wow.

Sorry.

Oh, it's kind of messy

'cause I've been working

on a short story for a contest,

and the deadline is soon.

Huh.

"Cumming Attractions,

by Primo Schultz."

This was his poetry?

One man's poetry...

"She pressed her creamy thighs

against his hard,

throbbing member."

That doesn't rhyme.

Hi.

Hi, Howard. Um... Joey,

Howard. Howard, Joey.

Hey, how are ya?

Good.

Just... Ahem.

Hey, Spike.

How are you?

Well, I gotta go. Okay.

I'll, uh...

I'll just, um...

Okay, I'll just see you later.

See ya.

So I'll have her back in a few.

Okay. Thanks, Howard.

Yeah. Come on.

Hey, this is Zoe.

Leave a message.

If you want Sue,

leave a message.

If this is Chet Mazur,

you're an a**hole.

If this is the f***er that

keeps hanging up on me,

f*** you, you f***ing f***.

Anyone else,

the auditions are being held at

Context Studios, 550 Avenue A,

today from 10:
00 to noon.

Only come if you're talented.

Didn't you play bass

for Mommy's Little Whore?

How old are you?

Twenty-one.

I saw you guys five years ago

at the Pyramid.

Wow.

Yeah, you guys were great.

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