My Friend Dahmer Page #2

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kill, but I'm trying to quit.

I can get you road kill, man.

Stick with me.

Hey you guys!

You guys trying to catch a buzz?

What are you doing?

Studying for finals.

Uh, can I have a minute?

Ok look, Jeff.

The hut.

Yeah?

What you have to understand

is sometimes I get mad at you

because I see things in you

that I don't like about myself.

Like I spend too much

time in the chemistry lab,

and I know that.

And I want you to

be more active.

To be to have friends in

ways that I never could.

So I... I got you something.

Huh?

Picked these up at

the summit mall.

I think they are going to work.

I think you are going

to look more impressive

and you might find

it fulfilling.

I don't know.

Hey, who knows.

Maybe... maybe some girl will

take an interest in you.

Huh?

Yeah?

Right?

Ok.

Ok.

Quiet

everyone, just be quiet.

That's it.

Thank you.

Your senior year

American history class

will be focusing on the federal

government and our presidents.

So who here can tell me why

history is so important?

Anyone.

No one?

You.

You, over there, why is

history so important?

I don't know.

What?

I don't...

people,

please speak up.

I can't hear... again.

It's important.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Ok.

Everyone quiet.

Thank you.

I'll take this one.

People, the reason

history is so important,

is you truly will never know

yourselves until you come

to better understand your past.

All right turn to page

ten in your textbooks.

...Spacious skies

for Amber waves of grain.

For purple mountains majesty

above the fruited plain.

America,

thank you.

Very nice melody.

Beautiful, as always.

Next up, Jeff dahmer.

Jeff dahmer?

Blegh!

Bleaagh!

Bleh!

He's a real dumber.

Oh, shoot.

We have to go to class!

I say things like that.

Do I say whatever

is on my mind?

What's the deal with dahmer?

I know, is he insane or what?

I think he's

kind of hilarious.

Yeah that's new.

Hey, I heard he

spazzed in math too.

Yeah.

All week he's been "doing

a dahmer," I call it.

Never really spoken to him.

We rally in tennis

but like, that's it.

He's out there.

Oh, sh*t.

I hope he didn't hear you.

Dahmer.

Hey, man.

Do you want to come

sit at our table?

No reason that a

champion spazzer

had got to sit here in hell.

Come on over, we've got...

we've got courtyard views.

Come on.

Yeah.

Hey.

Hey.

Kuddos for your

freaking spazzes dude.

Totally classic.

Yeah.

We dig it.

Where'd you get the idea?

Like, you know what

it reminds me of?

This decorator in

town my parents hired.

Used to have these little

fits in our living room

until... you know...

they just fired him.

Oh yeah, Mr. burlman.

My parents hired him too.

Yeah, see I knew it.

Yeah, but after

five months, all he added

was a pink footstool.

And Lacy drapes.

Dahmer, where have you been?

I think we should form

a dahmer fan club.

What?

Yeah, like, I mean,

there's just...

there's only so much time left.

I think we you as our

fearless leader, we can...

we can really

disrupt the school.

Go out in style.

Yeah, in infamy.

Yeah if we don't, I might

have to do something crazy,

like kill the pope.

Dahmer, look.

I already drew you actually.

This one's called "dahmer

and a bag of groceries."

What do you think?

And as part of the

dahmer fan club,

I appoint myself the

minister of propaganda.

Who did that?

Was it you?

Behave yourself.

Or get out of my library.

But I...

don't

even think about it.

So disrespectful.

Not cool.

Despicable.

Who keeps

making that sound?

Guys, guys, guys.

Those girls are aggressively

out of our league.

They're a primo target.

Let's do a dahmer.

Hurricane drought!

God, where is it?

Mom?

Yeah.

- I have good news.

- Good.

What is it?

I have

friends coming over.

It's

in here, I know it.

What are you doing?

Oh, nothing.

I... I thought you stopped.

Oh these?

I've been taking these since

I was pregnant with you.

In a way they're good

enough for you to take.

Is it down under...

go back.

Go... go back to the doctor.

Go back to the doctor.

I don't... oh, god no.

I hate the doctor.

Doctor always tells

me what to do.

Just like you, just like you.

I thought you,

I thought you stopped.

Look down there.

How could you listen

to that punk crap?

Seriously.

- Rocket from the tombs?

- Yeah.

They're from right

down the street.

Better than that kid

sh*t that Mike listens to.

And the folk-y polk-y

stuff you listen to.

F*** off.

Hello.

Hi.

Why don't we

hang out outside.

But I thought we

were gonna listen

to these bootlegs in your den.

But my mom is sleeping.

So?

And I'm kind

of embarrassed

by the pink footstool

and the Lacy "dwapes."

Are you in the new club?

What?

That's my brother.

Get lost Dave.

Um, so does Lisa Watkins

still live down the street?

Cause I heard she didn't

move out after graduation.

Are you two friends?

She doesn't know I exist.

Great.

I've got a great idea.

Hi, I'm here

for the interview.

Excuse me?

They said that you

would do an interview.

I'm with the William dawes

high school newspaper.

The lantern?

Yeah.

We're doing a story on

past homecoming queens.

Love to talk to you.

Guess I could

spare ten minutes.

Cool.

Um, so first I

just want to ask...

how does it feel now that

you know that the best years

of your life are behind you?

You were prom queen, now you're

what are you even doing here?

Wait a sec.

Is this some kind of joke?

No, it's not a joke.

I want to know how that feels.

...You live, like,

a miserable existence

now that high school is over.

I'm sorry.

Wait, please come back.

I need answers.

That was awesome!

That was so good.

Is dahmer your muse?

What?

Is dahmer your muse?

Oh.

No.

Sure looks like it.

No, he's not.

Wanna see?

This is dahmer as a coat hanger.

You're talented.

Thanks.

Why don't

you sketch me?

I can draw you.

Ok.

Prove it.

Yeah.

All right.

Stand up and lay on the floor.

Lay on the floor.

And act dead.

Keep reading.

There.

Tada.

There's sunfish.

Whatever we catch,

we've got to throw back.

You guys hear Victor

cramer's mom caught

him masturbating with a vacuum

what?

Yeah.

Is he all right?

I don't know.

With a vacuum, how?

I don't know.

Supposedly he just stuck his

wanker in the front half.

How else would you

masturbate with a vacuum?

F***.

Ouch.

What's the difference

between parsley and p*ssy?

What?

No one eats parsley.

Hey.

You got one?

Here.

Ok.

Use this to cut him

loose, and then throw

him right back, all right?

Just cut him right off the line.

Just cut the line Jeff.

Hey.

Jeff, what the hell.

I said throw him back.

Sorry.

Why'd you do that?

I just wanted to see

what its insides looked like.

Just get rid of it, ok?

I feel utterly

left out right now.

Why?

Not playing tic-tac-toe.

Do you want to play

tic-tac-toe with three people?

Wait, that doesn't

even make sense.

- Ok.

- Thank you.

Neil.

Neil's here.

Good.

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