My Friend Irma

Well, this is how New York looks

when you see it in the movies...

and on picture postcards.

And this is how it looked to me...

Jane Stacey,

when I first came here from Connecticut.

But New York's a great town.

It's got Park Avenue.

Lovely, isn't it?

I wish I lived there, but I don't.

I live in Mrs. O'Reilly's Boarding House...

at 185 West 73rd Street, Apartment 3-B...

next to a charming delicatessen.

But I still love New York,

because it's full of unusual sights...

and the most unusual sight in town

is my friend Irma.

See if you can pick her out.

Having a little trouble?

Then let me help you spot her.

You see that street over there,

that's being torn up?

And that sign that says,

"Men at work, beware"?

You notice how all the normal people

are walking around that hole?

Well, in a few minutes, you will be able

to pick out my roommate...

Irma Peterson. Watch.

Yes, you've probably guessed it.

That's my friend Irma.

My Friend Irma says

"Bird Dogs are a lie

"I bought a pup and he grew up

"But he never learned to fly"

My Friend Irma says

"A meatball is a dance

"Where the lonesome butchers go

"When looking for romance"

She bought a clock last summer

But now her wall is blank

She heard of daylight saving time

And took it right to the bank

My Friend Irma lives in a world apart

But men prefer their dates with her

She makes them feel so smart

Maybe My Friend Irma

Is not so very dumb at heart

Good morning, Janie.

Mrs. O'Reilly, I know why you're here.

You want the rent.

You always want the rent.

You love Irma and me

like your own daughters...

but business is business

and we're two months late already, right?

But please don't tamper with me

this morning...

because I haven't had my coffee yet...

- and I can't find the coffee pot.

- Coffee pot?

And don't tell me

only an idiot would put it in the piano...

because this is Irma's week to keep house...

and I've got to figure out

where an idiot would put it.

She was playing the radio.

- Now, Janie, let's...

- Quiet, Mrs. O'Reilly. I'm on the trail.

Butter, stove. Coffee pot must be... Here.

You see? It all figures.

- Shall I look in the bathtub for the bread?

- O'Reilly, you slay me.

And now, while the coffee's perking...

I'm gonna tell you a piece of good news

that will really knock you right off your feet.

- Janie, you got a chance for a good job?

- The best job any girl ever got.

But if I stand around here talking

all morning, I'll blow the whole thing.

So be a dear, and get my clothes out

of the clothes closet...

- while I take a shower, will you?

- What dress do you want to wear?

I think I'll try the nonchalant approach.

My brown dress with...

the imitation-but-looks-like-real alligator belt,

bag, and shoes.

All right, Janie.

- Janie? Would you come here for a minute?

- What is it?

It looks like Irma's been doing

a little housecleaning.

Well, wonder of wonders.

She even had the sense

to take the clothes out first.

- Yes, where do you suppose she put them?

- Why, she probably...

Oh, no! Oh, mother! Oh, murder!

I'll answer it, Mrs. O'Reilly.

My feet are wet,

and I want to be sure I'll be electrocuted.

Yes?

Hello, this is Irma Peterson talking.

To whom have I the pleasure

of speaking to?

You have the pleasure of speaking to Jane,

Irma.

Jane, darling,

I called you because I wanted to tell you...

to be sure not take a shower.

And why shouldn't I take a shower

and be clean like all other normal people?

Well, you see, I painted the clothes closet,

and I hung all the clothes in the shower.

Irma, when you come home tonight...

would you bring a piece of good,

strong rope with you?

Because there's something else I want

to hang in the shower with the clothes.

Really, Jane? What?

You. Irma Peterson,

how could you be so stupid?

Irma. Irma, are you listening to me?

Sorry, your three minutes are up.

Al?

- AI, Jane's mad at me because...

- Quiet, Chicken.

- I'm in the midst of one of my biggest deals.

- I'm sorry.

Hello, Joe? Al. Got a problem.

Got all my dough riding on Long Beach Sal

in the fourth race.

What's the good word?

Joe, you mean I lost my dough?

But you said it was a sure thing.

You told me the horse was wired

and you had the battery fixed.

What happened? What?

The horse won,

but the jockey got electrocuted?

Murder. So long, Joe.

- What's wrong, Al, honey?

- Black Friday. All my deals backfiring.

If I didn't have such ambition,

who knows where I'd be?

- Here's your lunch, Al.

- Thanks, Chicken.

What are you doing back here again?

You just got your check this morning.

This is an emergency.

Bill, could I have an advance?

Promise you will not get another job

for a week.

- It's against the rules, Al.

- Fine thing.

Been coming here four years steady

and can't build up a credit rating.

Nothing I can do about it.

Beginning to lose my faith in my fellow man.

- Well, Al, maybe if you got a job...

- Please, Chicken, watch your language.

Only a question of time

before one of my deals comes through.

- I'm working on one now. Can't miss.

- What is it, Al?

Ripcords.

Got a chance to corner the ripcord market

and sell them to pajama manufacturers.

It's a natural. You wake up in the morning,

bale out of your pajamas.

- You like it?

- It sounds wonderful, Al...

- but gosh, I'm getting a little discouraged.

- Discouraged? Why?

Well, we've been engaged for five years and

we're not getting any closer to that day...

when we carry each other

across the threshold.

Gee, Al, I'm not getting any younger,

and, after all...

when I get married and have children...

I don't want them to be older than I am.

Look, Chicken,

I think you're being very impatient.

- AI, but...

- Please.

Every morning when you go to work

you take the bus, right?

- You wait 15 minutes for that bus, right?

- Right.

Fifteen minutes a day, twice a day,

six times a week...

30 times a month, 12 times a year.

Do you realize how much of your life

is spent waiting for that crummy bus?

- What about it, Al?

- Well, I'm your fianc.

I think I deserve the same consideration

as a bus.

Oh, Al, I'm sorry I questioned you.

When you explain, it all seems so right.

Sure. It's that Jane

who's poisoning your mind against me.

Oh, well, you know Jane.

She wants to marry a man with money.

But I don't think money is important.

Look, I have you, and you have me,

and we both have nothing.

Come on, will buy you a drink.

- What'll it be?

- One large one. Chicken, you want one?

Yes, please, Al.

A large one for the lady, small one for me.

Want to lose weight.

Got you. What'd you like to have,

the California type or the Florida type?

Well, I'd like to have half of each.

You see, I've always wanted to travel.

Please, Chicken.

Just a minute.

Seymour, California needs a transfusion.

- What are you doing back there, sleeping?

- Sleeping? Are you kidding?

I'm standing back here like a horse

working like a dog.

- There are customers out here.

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