My Friend Irma Page #2

- So what? I'm not on a commission basis.

- Now, wait a minute.

- Don't be a big man with me, Steve.

I'm standing back here in this black hole

taking all the abuse...

while you're out there like a big man,

with a view yet.

Excuse me. A little help problem.

What's the matter with you?

I asked you to squeeze a few oranges

and you blow your top.

Blow my top?

I got an occupational disease.

That cheap boss,

why don't he put in electric squeezers?

- Look what's happening to me?

- So?

So is this something for a young boy

to go through life with, yet?

- Don't exaggerate.

- Exaggerating?

Do you realize

it's very difficult to dance with a girl...

light a cigarette,

and shave with a hand like this?

Stop bellyaching.

You'll get onto the job once you get into it.

That's just the trouble.

- I hate the job.

- You've hated every job we've ever had.

Certainly, because I listen to you.

The last job you made me take,

a flapjack flipper.

It took me six months

to get rid of a swivel wrist.

Let me ask you one thing.

Why do you always have to pick on jobs

that deform me?

- Cheeta, listen. Where do you begin?

- I'm in there somewhere.

Squeeze the oranges before we get fired.

All right, I'll do it.

But you be careful how you talk to me.

- Remember, I haven't been too well.

- You're just a hypochondriac.

- What's the matter with you?

- You said a dirty word.

Now, look here, Seymour...

The least you could do

is show me some sympathy, Steve.

When you were sick, I was very considerate.

Remember when the doctor gave you

only 30 days to live?

- Yes.

- Didn't I go out and get you a calendar?

Look, I don't want to argue with you.

We're making $35 a week and it's steady.

We'll keep it that way.

You squeeze the oranges back here,

and I'll sell them out there, okay?

Okay.

Here's to love

Here's to love

Here's to all that love can stand for

It's a wishful wonderland for just you

Here's to love

Love that love

That without it

It's true

It's the feeling lovers swear by

Better look out below

Whereby

Hate to see you go

And lately I kind of sigh

As I see you rolling by

Yes, it's love that's growing

Yes, it's love

It's showing

Here's to love

Here's to life with you

Gee, you have a wonderful voice.

- Are you kidding?

- Friend, did you ever sing professionally?

Yeah, I'm a great big opera singer.

I squeeze oranges for a hobby.

- Want to hear something from an opera?

- Oh, yes, will you sing...

Laugh, Clown, Laugh

from the opera Parcheesi?

- Please, Chicken.

- I like his voice, Al.

- I like it, too, but no one else does.

- Everybody should.

If Irma likes you, you're in.

Because Irma is the average public.

She's got the common touch.

Common? Oh, Al.

- Touchy dame.

- What's the matter with her?

- She's nuts about me. But it bothers me.

- Why?

Don't know if she loves me or my money.

That's one thing

I don't have to worry about.

Nobody's killing themselves

over a $35-a-week orange-juice salesman.

- Why must you be one?

- What do you mean?

Don't like to waste words, friend,

so I'll get right to the point.

My boy, this is the luckiest day of your life.

- Are you in show business?

- Indirectly, son.

For the past five years,

I'm what is technically known as retired.

- Collect an annuity every week.

- Every week?

Like clockwork. So, naturally,

with all this time on my hands...

- I have developed a hobby.

- Well, what's that?

Developing talent,

and helping them to the top.

Friend, under my auspices,

there is no telling where you can go.

Why, I can have people standing in line

to hear your golden voice.

I doubt it.

Friend, believe me, when it comes

to standing in line, I am an authority.

Now, time is money.

I'm a busy man, so will not haggle.

Will offer you, with the regular

manager-artist contract, the usual 10%.

- Sounds fair.

- And when you get better, you'll get 15%.

- I get 15%?

- Slip of the tongue. I get 15%.

See you know your business, son.

What do you say?

It's not as simple as all that.

I have a partner. I'd like to consult him.

- Well...

- I heard the whole thing. We accept.

- Seymour, this is Mr...

- Just call me Al.

- Yeah. Al, this is my partner, Seymour.

- Glad to know you.

- See how embarrassing it gets?

- It's an occupational disease.

Yeah. Well, boys, what do you say?

- Sounds all right.

- What have we got to lose? Let's go.

Jane?

Yes?

- Are you mad at me?

- No.

- Are you sad at me?

- No, no.

Then why don't you look at me?

Because they have capital punishment

in New York...

and I don't think I can beat the rap.

Sweetie, don't cry. You can't help it.

It's just that nature

gave some girls talent and brains...

and with you, it slipped you a mickey.

I try so hard to please.

I know you do, sweetie, and I hate

to keep jumping all over you all the time...

but why, out of 365 days of the year,

did you have to pick this day to ruin me?

How did I ruin you?

And why is today so important?

Because today I was to be interviewed

for the job as private secretary...

to Richard Rhinelander III, head of

the Rhinelander Investment Company.

- So what?

- So what?

Haven't you ever read in the papers where

a poor secretary marries her wealthy boss?

Why couldn't I be

Mrs. Richard Rhinelander III?

The third? What good is that

if he has two other wives?

Please, honey.

Hello? Yes, Alice.

Yes, I know I'm late for my interview,

but, you see, there's been an accident...

and I haven't got a thing to wear.

Wait a minute, I'll be right down.

I know where I can get some clothes.

No, Jane. No. No, you can't do that.

No!

Jane, no!

I'm gonna like this neighborhood.

We just lose our job.

We ain't got no place to live.

We ain't got from what to eat.

And already you're thinking of luxuries yet.

Steve, you sure this is the right place?

Certainly, this is the right place.

What are you so suspicious about?

I don't know. I think that guy's a phony.

He didn't get them shifty eyes

from watching tennis matches.

Forget it.

Every big shot has a hideaway

where he can have a little privacy...

and this is probably Al's.

Just a minute.

Yes?

This is an office?

Oh, hello. Al will be here in just a minute.

Please, come in, gentlemen.

Just make yourselves at home.

I'll get into something more comfortable.

Oh, dear.

Hey, Steve?

Hey, Steve, I come from a very good family,

and I want to know just one thing.

- Who's got the opium concession here?

- I'll be back in just a minute.

- Hi, Alice. I'm sorry I'm late...

- You're too late.

He's hired someone else.

- No, he can't do that.

- Wait for me.

I'll take it.

- Who are you?

- I'm Jane Stacey, your new secretary.

But I've already hired someone else.

Mr. Rhinelander,

I don't want you to think that I'm bold...

and you certainly have a right

to hire anyone you like...

but I just want you to know

that I've wanted this job...

more than anything I've ever wanted before

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes