My Friend Irma Page #3

in my life.

Would you mind explaining

what you're talking about?

Well, for two years,

I made friends with Alice, your secretary...

and she promised me that if she ever left,

she'd recommend me for the job.

I took her to lunch almost every day.

Mr. Rhinelander,

I've got a $65 investment in you.

Well, why did you go to all this trouble?

Because I'd be perfect for you.

I mean, I'd be a perfect secretary.

I know everything there is to know

about you. For instance...

on Mondays, you go to the Plaza.

On Tuesdays,

you go to the 21 Club for lunch.

On Wednesdays, you have dinner...

at your mother's house on Long Island.

On Thursdays, you play poker

at your penthouse on Park Avenue.

On Fridays, you go to the Athletic Club

and the Stork Club in the evening.

On Saturdays, you play golf.

On Sundays, you go horseback riding

in the early morning...

if you don't have a hangover

from Saturday night.

And if you do,

you go to Jim's Steam Room for a massage.

- Amazing.

- No, it's just research.

But really, Miss Stacey,

people just don't do this...

I'm sorry. I hope you'll forgive me.

- I'll go now.

- Miss Stacey?

Yes?

Take a letter.

And now, for the jackpot question.

What is the name of the song

and who's singing it?

Remember, if you guess it,

you get merchandise worth $50,000.

- Are you standing by your radio?

- Yes.

Chicken, turn off the radio.

I'm trying to decide

what to do about Steve's future.

Got a big problem with the boys,

and you're playing the radio.

Telling you,

you and them contests driving me crazy.

Please, Al.

And now, folks,

here's your first clue to the song. ;

Bring my daughter a glass of water.

Daughter, that's someone's child.

Water is liquid.

It must be Old Man's River.

Chicken, believe me,

you've got no chance to win this contest.

Why not?

For one thing, all contest winners

live in one of two places:

Butte, Montana or Keokuk, Iowa.

- I'll move.

- Ain't worth it.

And the only other way

you can win a contest...

is if you have a husband who isn't working

and you are the mother of 32 children.

Thirty-two children? Al, maybe...

Chicken, that contest is over in two weeks.

Be practical.

Al.

They're playing Old Man River?

Chicken, it's the doorbell. Get it, please.

I am busy thinking.

Irma, will you hurry?

It's Jane.

- AI, what about...

- Say nothing. Nothing.

Honey,

why does it take you so long to answer...

No wonder.

Well, the least you can do is help me.

Okay, Jane.

Irma, I've got the job,

and that Richard Rhinelander's a dream.

So good-looking and so wealthy.

That's what can come from work.

Chicken, she's starting on me again.

Now, Jane, you give Al a chance.

After all, he's really a live wire.

Yeah, and it's only a question of time

before somebody puts a chair under him.

With talk like that I'm beginning to think

I'm not wanted for dinner.

Al, you can get a job as a mind reader,

because tonight I want to be alone.

Jane, got some plans

I want to talk to you about.

I'm not interested in you and your plans.

I just want to be alone.

Jane, guarantee you...

Besides, I want to be fresh and rested...

- for my job tomorrow.

- But Jane.

Look, why don't you take Irma out

to dinner and the movies for a change?

Break down, spend a nickel.

But my deal.

You and your deals.

I don't want to hear anymore about them.

Everything you've ever come up with

has been phony.

I wouldn't say that.

What in the world is going on in here?

I don't know, lady. I'm just taking a shower.

All right, let's have an explanation,

and you'd better make it good.

Will explain everything, Jane.

Steve, that kid in there,

the good-looking one...

Does that give him a right

to be in my bedroom?

- Yes, but...

- I'm trying to tell you, Jane...

he's my new find. The guy sings like a bird.

And given 24 hours with me as his manager,

he's going to go places.

Yes, he's going to go places,

and you're going to follow him.

And as for that monstrosity in the bathroom,

if he isn't out of here in two seconds flat...

I'll call the police.

I heard everything you said, lady,

and if I ain't welcome here, I'm leaving.

Look, Jane, be reasonable.

All I'm asking is that we accommodate

the boys here on the couch.

- There's room for both of them...

- Just for tonight.

- They go, and you go.

- Please, Jane, for my sake?

- For your sake?

- This'll mean so much to Al and me.

- To you?

- Yes, Al has given me his word...

that if he makes a success with Steve...

he'll be able to quit the unemployment line

and marry me.

Jane, I don't want to be an old maid.

What do you say, Jane? Just for one night?

If you'll do this for me,

I'll make you best man at my wedding.

All right, you two, come out.

We've met but not formally. I'm Steve Laird.

Gentlemen, you may consider

this living room the YMCA for one night.

- Oh, Jane.

- But I have news for you.

The YMCA doesn't serve meals,

and neither do I.

Who's worried about meals?

You are all my guests tonight.

Your guests?

Yes, we are leaving for the Gypsy Tea Room

for dinner, immediately.

Give this to me slowly, Al.

Who's paying for all this?

Will thank you not to embarrass me.

Everything is taken care of.

- Please, Jane, come with us.

- All right. I'll go.

But I've got the same feeling

Marie-Antoinette must've had...

when she took that chariot ride.

Chariot ride. Hey, can I have my pants?

- My little pigeons.

- Who's a pigeon?

It's only me, Professor Kropotkin.

- Hello, Professor.

- Hi, Professor.

Janie and Irma, my two little proud beauties.

One with her head in the air,

and the other with air in her head.

Why, Professor.

Excuse me, girls,

just a little joke I picked up.

Professor, as long as

we're going to have dinner here...

what do you advise?

- I advise that you eat across the street.

- Across the street?

- The boss.

- What's going on out here, Kropotkin?

Mr. Ubang, these are all friends of mine

who was going to eat across the street...

but I said instead they shall eat here

because we have the best food in town.

Very good, Kropotkin.

But I'll take care of the customers...

and you go back there

and take care of your fiddle.

- Okay.

- Step right this way, folks.

I'll take you to your table,

and you can order the best food in town.

Seymour, would you care to dance?

I'd love to dance with you, Irma,

but I'm gonna have to take short steps.

I don't wanna be too far from the table

when the food comes.

You see, I haven't been too well.

What's the matter,

don't you believe in fortunes?

No, I believe you make your own life,

and you only get what you plan for.

Not me. I like to take it as it comes, and

then, if you're surprised, you're on velvet.

- What does it say?

- I'm on velvet.

It says, "You are placing your confidence

in someone who will enrich you."

- Must mean Al.

- Yes, Al's a pretty good confidence man.

Well, what have I got to lose?

Now what's yours say?

"Tomorrow is a day of great consequence...

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