My Friend Irma Page #4

"a milestone on your path to happiness."

It must be a stale cookie.

It should read, "Today."

- Today?

- Well, we met today.

No, it's tomorrow, because tomorrow

I start a new job and everything.

I told you these things were uncanny.

You think Irma would mind

if we eavesdropped a little?

No. What does it say?

"You are brilliant, and your intellect

is the envy of all your friends."

After that, it's a cinch. Seymour's is a blank.

Yes.

And that's how Steve and I became pals.

But he's too easygoing. He's not like me.

If somebody does something

I consider an offense...

I don't take it. I fight back. I revolt.

Seymour, that's a sign of character,

and I admire you for it.

I like men who are offensive and revolting.

It's getting worse all the time.

All right, make your announcement.

Ladies and gentlemen...

the Gypsy Tea Room is proud to present

its floorshow.

- They have a floorshow here?

- Yeah.

- Who's in the show?

- Well...

The Gypsy Tea Room is proud to present...

a man who has been acclaimed a singer...

Steve Laird.

- What's this?

- Do not quibble, son, you're on.

Not here.

Look, son, I am your manager.

Never question my judgment.

- First rule of show business.

- Two and two are beginning to make four.

You'd better sing, Steve.

Otherwise, it's the dishes.

I ain't going to wash no dishes.

I got a dishpan hand already and it hurts.

- They don't mean you. You can't sing.

- I can't wash dishes, either.

- Just sit there.

- Lots of luck.

- Anything in particular?

- No. Here, let's try this one.

- E flat.

- Okay, fine.

If your dreams knew me longer

And your arms knew me more

Then this plea might be stronger

Be a blessing not a bore

So why not try my love

and see what goes

You might find you like it

Who knows? Who knows?

Love me, love me

say you love me

Just for fun

Softly sigh it

try it, try it

Just for fun

If you're close to me

Maybe you'll agree

Here at hand's that magic land

We're seeking constantly

Tingle, tingle

when we mingle

Just for fun

Let's pretend we'll never end

what we've begun

For if we play at love

we may stay in love

Then you'll be glad you tried it

Just for fun

Thank you.

- Here, try this one.

- Okay.

Now, what are you doing out here?

The boss told me to come out

and do something, or I do do the dishes...

- so I came out, already.

- I'm not through singing yet.

Well, don't get mad, Steve.

I just came out. I thought I'd woik.

- Thought you'd what?

- Woik? The W-O-l-K, woik.

That's ridiculous. Now go back to the table

until I'm through singing.

All right, if you keep on singing,

will you do me a personal favor...

and sing the song you sing with the chore?

Chore?

Yeah, when the fellows in the band

all stand up together...

and they sing with you.

C-H-O-l-R is choir.

I didn't know you said it like that.

But I'd like you to do the number anyway.

If you would do the number

with the chore, I'd appreciate it?

You would what?

I said if you would do the number

I'd appreciate it?

Why do you leave the last word

up in the air?

It's the end of a sentence.

There's a period there.

You don't need it anymore.

You would say, "I'm going to the corner."

Not, "I'm going to the corner?"

Who talks like this?

You talk the way you want.

I talk that way because listen.

Could I have that phrase just once more?

I said, if you would do the number,

I'd appreciate it?

What, are you asking me,

or are you telling me?

- I'm wondering.

- You're wondering.

Now, if you want to do the number,

okay, and if you don't want to do it...

All right, if you do me a favor,

you and I will become friends.

- I gotta do you a favor first?

- That's right.

- And if I do it, we won't argue?

- Never again.

- You swear?

- Swear.

- Scout's honor?

- Scout's honor.

Take two giant steps.

Go back, you didn't say, "May I?"

- I'm all right now.

- All right.

- Now here's the favor I want you to do.

- What is it?

Go like this.

Maybe I didn't hear you correctly.

What is that?

Keep doing it. Repeat it. Go ahead.

There's a song in the air

But the fair seorita

Really doesn't care

For that song in the air

So I'll sing to the mule

If you're sure she won't think

That I am just a fool

Serenading a mule

And try as she may

In her voice is a flaw

All that the lady can say

Is...

You're the one for me

Hey!

Love me, love me

say you love me

Just for fun

- What was the idea of that?

- Well, after all, they're practically strangers.

Jane, why don't you come to bed?

You said you wanted to get in early

so you'd make a nice impression on Richard.

Yes, I know I did, sweetie,

but I'm just not tired, that's all.

- My, it's warm in here.

- A little while ago you said it was cold.

Yes, I know.

Funny how the temperature jumps up

and down when there's a man around.

Irma, don't be ridiculous.

- Interesting view, isn't it?

- It's the one I like.

Park Avenue?

- It's pretty far, Jane.

- It's not too far for me.

A lot of them try,

but just a few of them make it.

Well, I think I've found a shortcut,

through Wall Street.

- Well, do you think the trip is worth it?

- For me it is, because I've got to have it.

- Why?

- Because I'm a little tired of my life, Steve.

I'm tired of getting up

at 7:
00 in the morning...

sharing the subway,

with the rest of the sardines...

pounding a typewriter all day

just so I can look forward...

to a scintillating night at Coney Island.

It doesn't sound too bad.

It sounds like a pretty average life.

That's just it. I hate being average.

All my life, I've been average.

I came from an average family.

My father was a druggist,

never quite a doctor.

There's a difference.

Now that I've grown up,

I don't wear the cheapest clothes...

but I can never afford an original.

I don't starve, but I don't drink champagne.

I'm just some place hanging in the middle.

Oh, sure, it's an average life,

but I'm sick and tired of being average.

Well, with me it's different.

Just living is a kick.

I'm just as average as...

I mean, I'm a pretty ambitious guy...

but what's the use of living

if you have to kill yourself to live?

Well, I think I've found an easier way.

- Rhinelander?

- Maybe.

The thing that gets me all mixed up is

how I could have figured you out all wrong.

How do you mean?

Well, tonight, when I was singing

at the Gypsy Tea Room...

I looked over at you,

and I had a feeling that...

I guess I was wrong.

But thanks for straightening me out.

Love me, love me

say you love me

try it, try it

You're so close to me

Maybe you'll agree

Tingle, tingle

Just for fun

Let's pretend we'll never end

what we've begun

we may stay in love

Then you'll be glad you tried it

Just for fun

- Steve?

- Yes?

- Stop singing, will you?

- Why?

- Just stop. That's all.

- Okay, it's your house.

Jane, you like him, don't you?

I'm not interested in what I like.

I'm interested in what's good for me.

Good night, honey.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes