My Friend Irma Goes West

Year in, year out, New York doesn't change.

It's still got Park Avenue.

We still don't live there.

It's still got the Stork Club.

We still can't afford to go there.

It's still got Mrs. O'Reilly's

boarding house.

And unfortunately,

we can still afford to live there.

Yes, New York is still

the same old New York.

Nothing has changed much

in the past year...

nothing except my friend Irma.

Remember a year ago

when Irma was walking down the street...

that was under repair?

And Irma fell into the open manole?

But Irma has changed.

She's smarter now.

I was wrong, folks.

New York hasn't changed...

and neither has my friend Irma.

Happens every time.

Irma, why don't you answer the phone?

I'm not sure it's for me.

Take a chance, it's not your nickel.

Hello? Who?

Yes, it's for me. It's Al.

Well, what are you waiting for? Run

down to the police station with the bail.

He's not in trouble,

he's got wonderful news.

Hello, Al. What's the news?

That's wonderful, Al.

I can hardly wait to tell Jane.

Goodbye.

Jane, guess what?

Al got your boyfriend, Steve,

a job on a television program...

and we can watch him tonight.

Steve on television? I can't believe it.

I'm so excited. I'm shaking like a thief.

Isn't it wonderful?

If Steve makes a hit tonight,

I'll be Mrs. Al and you'll be Mrs. Laird.

Now I'm glad we bought the television set.

Yes, and it's a good one, too.

- Who are you calling, honey?

- Television repairman.

Repairman? Why, this is brand new.

We've just had it a week. What happened?

I don't know, it's been acting funny ever

since I took the insides out and washed it.

Seymour. Seymour!

What's the matter with you?

Why are you leaving the seeds

in the orange juice?

How else will people know it's real

orange juice? We don't advertise.

- Are you crazy?

- Certainly. For $35 a week...

- what do you want, a college professor?

- I'm gonna have a talk with you.

Listen to me, Seymour...

Don't you yell at me. If you do,

you'll have a mental case on your hands.

- Why, what's the matter with you?

- This hand is driving me crazy.

Take it easy, Seymour.

The boss is thinking about expanding.

He's expanding?

What do you think is happening to my hand?

I walk in the street,

people throw peanuts at me.

- I'm quitting.

- Come here.

Put me down. Put me down, Steve.

I'm getting a nosebleed up here.

Now you've done it.

You've been violent, and you hurt me.

Well, I don't like it.

I'll slap you right in the face.

Look at this chest.

I'm sorry. How did it happen?

That's not very funny.

You like to abuse me, don't you?

First you hurt me, now you abuse me.

Don't you have any feelings for me?

I work hard back here. I try my best

to do my work and you always yell at me.

- I'm only kidding.

- You're not kidding.

I try my best to do my work

and everybody says I'm always...

- But it's just for fun.

- Well, stop picking on me. I don't like it.

Look, I'm soothing you.

- All right, soothe me, but what's fair...

- Is this nice?

I like it.

- Yeah, but why do I always...

- Is this a friend? Look.

Yeah, you're a friend, Steve,

but I mean, I try...

- Make a bigger circle.

- Listen to me.

Hello? Al?

What? No kidding.

- Sure, I'll meet you tonight. So long.

- What happened?

I'm quitting.

They're putting me on television tonight.

- You're wrong.

- I'm wrong?

We're quitting.

We're going on television tonight.

- Remember, we're a team. Okay?

- Okay.

Al, where you been?

We go on in a few minutes.

Doing everything a first-class manager

has to do...

when his discovery

is on the pinnacle of success.

- You nervous, kid?

- Just a little.

I'm not nervous, Al.

That's because I got my act all set.

- You are going on?

- Certainly. I will go on with dynamite.

For television, people gotta be able to see

as well as hear you. Watch this.

I'll do Bette Davis.

Philip... I'm sorry, Al.

Philip, my darling, I want that letter.

I hurt my...

Philip, I say I want that letter.

I'm sick, do you hear?

Sick, sick, sick.

This is the way to treat Bette Davis?

Sit down and stay there.

I'm so excited.

I wonder if Steve is photogenic.

Of course not. Why, he's healthy as a horse.

Quiet, Irma. It's starting.

Ladies and gentlemen,

when you eat spaghetti...

do you look like this?

But you will never look like that...

if you use Non- Twist Spaghetti.

And now, we are proud to present...

The Star of Today

and The Star of Tomorrow.

Here is your master of ceremonies.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

We've been very fortunate this evening

in the choice of our star.

She is not only a Hollywood favorite,

she's an international favorite.

That star of two continents, Yvonne Yvonne.

Bonsoir.

Miss Yvonne, it's a real thrill

having you on our show this evening.

Merci. It's my pleasure.

And to all my millions of fans

sitting out there on your living room...

I blow you a kiss.

To you in the East, I kiss you.

To you in the West, I kiss you.

To you in the North, I kiss you.

And to all my other friends,

I kiss you in the South.

I'm going South.

In your last picture,

you did a wonderful French song.

Would you mind

doing that again for us now?

We've taken the liberty

of having our Star of Tomorrow...

a young chap by the name of Steve Laird

rehearse it...

so that he can do a duet with you.

I am very sorry, but I'm hoarse.

And I do not think it would be possible

to sing with Mr. Laird.

That's unfortunate, but I still want you

to meet our Star of Tomorrow...

a former orange juice salesman, Steve Laird.

- Well, it's a pleasure.

- How do you do, Miss Yvonne?

On second thought, my doctor told me...

the more I use my voice,

the quicker the hoarseness will go away.

I would be more than delighted

to sing with Mr. Laird.

From the boulevards of Paris

to the corners of Siam

Lovers know they must behave

The very way that I am

Regardless of the language

or the customs of the land

They all have

the very same demand

When I say give me love

Don't be meager, Gee

can't you see I'm overeager

Oh baby, oh baby, obey me

And when my lonely arms need a build-up

Get in my arms and keep 'em filled up

Oh baby, oh baby, obey me

Facts are facts

While I'm mad about your caress

So relax

there's only one word for yes

My love just lives for you

Why be lonely

I want you for my one and only

Oh baby, oh baby, obey me do

I'll take you through Paris, be your dolly

Oh what I'll show you in Pigalle

Oh baby, hey baby, obey me

I never like to kiss

like the highbrows

I want the kind that curls my eyebrows

Oh-ho, like this

Oh, baby

You will be

my gift from the Marshall Plan

And I will be

The king of the French Can-Can

My sweet, when I do this don't be gentle

I want you close and continental

Oh, baby...

I don't know what she's saying,

but it should happen to me

Crpe Suzettes

Why, that's all the French I know

No, my pet

You'll learn every word, but "Noi"

The French are never wrong

Fifty million

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