My Friend Irma Goes West Page #2

Baby for you I'd trust a billion

Oh baby, oh baby, obey me

No maybe, hey baby, you slay me

Oh baby, obey me, do

That was wonderful, Yvonne.

It was a real pleasure

having you on our program.

Well, thank you.

It was a joy to work with

such young talent as Mr. Laird.

And as we French so often do...

I would like to say "au revoir,"

and wish you luck.

Don't be upset, Jane.

That's just the French way of shaking hands.

It's like when the Germans are leaving,

and they say "gesundheit."

And now, young man, what have you

chosen for your solo number?

I'd like to do my version

ofThe Vagabond Song.

- Harry, do you know that?

- Yes, I do.

- What key?

- Hey, wait a minute.

He's my partner and he's got

a special arrangement of this song...

and I'm the only one

who knows how it goes.

I'll take that.

- What are you gonna do?

- I'm gonna lead the band.

You know anything about leading a band?

Do I know about leading a band?

I just took the stick from him.

I'm gonna lead the band...

and you have the nerve to ask me

do I know anything about it.

- Well, do you?

- No.

Come on.

Horns up.

What are you doing?

I'm a wanderer on life's highway

Facing a world with a song and a smile

All right. You, out.

What are you trying to do here?

I'm leading a number. You're supposed...

- What are you doing to the band?

- What are you worried about the band for?

- You can use a quart.

- What are you doing to the band?

Why don't you sing your number?

Let me worry about the band.

They're under my jurisdiction.

I got the baton.

- Baton?

- The baton. Now let's laugh it up here.

Old man trouble keeps from my way

What are you doing here?

Why don't you... What are you doing?

Happiness travels with me all the while

You'll find life's long road is weary

- What are you doing?

- I'm singing.

You don't hear no noise

going on in the band now?

- I don't hear a thing.

- He's giving me aggravation.

He won't follow the stick.

I'll smack you right in the...

You don't think I'll do it, huh?

We're on television, Seymour.

Let's do this thing right.

I'm not one of that great legion

With their traveling care

And though I havert much religion

Here's my only prayer

I broke the arm, Steve, the whole arm,

the bone is busted.

The whole arm is...

Life is not

Life is not

Life is not just tinsel pleasure

That's so easy to find

But I can find

But I can find

In the middle, you'll find it...

But I can find life's greatest pleasures

In my peace of mind

Good boy.

Give me the road

Just a little louder. Here we go, fellas.

All right!

I'm not gonna stand here

and have you tolerate me.

Where did you get this band?

Don't yell at the band.

I'm leading the band.

I'm the conductor, but don't yell at them,

that's a union band.

I don't care about you or your union band.

See how mad they get?

You'd better say you're sorry.

- I will not.

- I'm warning you.

- No.

- Off the stand.

I'm sorry.

All right. There's just

one little mistake...

One little mistake?

Yeah, you're supposed to overlook it

when it happens.

- Overlook a mistake?

- Sure.

- Are you out of your mind?

- I'm as normal as you or anyone else.

Get off there.

No, they're not gonna take me back.

I have the grenades.

I've gotta mow them all down.

I say, may I report, sir? I'd like to try...

- Give me the note.

- All right.

There's one note missing.

Give him one note.

Big deal. Sing.

Give me the road

The wide winding highways

Just let me know the done beaten byways

And I'll travel along

singing a vagabond song

Well give me the flowers

The birds sing at morning

Just let me see that sunrise and dawning

And I'll travel along

singing a vagabond song

Happy you may be

with your fashions, your passions

Your smug little parts you play

But you could never fool me

With your foolery, your jewelry

All I can say

- Give me the stars

- Give me the road

The wide winding highway

That's where I

Travel along

singing a vagabond song

Here you are,

12 cans of Non-Twist Spaghetti.

Twelve cans of spaghetti?

What are you kicking about?

The headliners last week only got six,

and without the meat sauce.

You know, television is not in a position

to pay off money.

Television is in its birth.

I got some news for you.

I don't want to be a midwife.

Fine manager you are.

We did better at the orange juice stand.

Sorry. We pay off in spaghetti.

Would you be good enough

to open up a can?

I'd like to pour some in my wallet,

so I can see I was working this week.

Fine thing.

Will speak to the government about this

next time I pick up my unemployment check.

You know what Steve probably got

for singing tonight?

- What?

- Probably got $1,000.

What would Al get then?

Let's see. Al is Steve's agent,

so he gets 10%, which is $100.

But knowing Al,

he'll probably come home with $150.

$150?

Jane, it only costs $2

for a marriage license.

Do you realize that Al and I

can get married 75 times?

Honey, you're looking at a girl

who wants to be married just once.

Yes, just once.

And now with Steve in television...

I've got a boy

who can really bring home the groceries.

Groceries? Don't you think

I'd better start the dinner?

Honey, there aren't that many ambulances

in the city.

Now what is it?

You don't have any confidence in me.

- Why?

- Why? Very easy.

You remember what happened

the last time you cooked?

The recipe called for sherry,

and what did you do?

I put in shellac. But now it's different.

Now we got a pressure cooker.

Even an idiot couldn't make a mistake.

That remark gets my sporting blood up.

Look, there's a duck in the icebox.

Now, why don't you see if you can cook it

in the pressure cooker?

Jane, when I get finished cooking this duck,

you won't know what hit you.

Monsieur?

I didn't have the chance to tell you

how much I enjoyed you.

Well, thank you.

I think you have a wonderful voice.

Lady, where you looking for the vocal cords?

Where you looking for the...

Steve, you were wonderful.

I can't say "au revoir"

like some people do...

and I won't kiss you on both cheeks...

but this should tell you in good

American language how proud I am of you.

Where should I put this stuff?

Who cares where you put it?

Tell me, Steve,

how much did you get for tonight?

That's what we got, 12 cans of spaghetti.

Spaghetti?

Take it easy, Jane. Don't blow your top.

I am just as disappointed as you are.

- You mean Steve got paid off in spaghetti?

- But with meat sauce, yet.

I should have known that anything

you handle must end up nothing.

Don't scream at me.

After all, I got 50% of the boys'.

Do you think I'm happy to have

50% of 12 cans of spaghetti?

Well, here's your commission.

Jane, wait a minute.

Jane, I'm sorry it turned out this way.

You couldn't help it, honey.

You were wonderful.

So what? Where's it getting me?

Maybe it just doesn't figure for me

to be an entertainer.

But how else can we get married, Steve?

There are guys getting married every day

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