My Friend Irma Goes West Page #3

that aren't actors.

Truck drivers, milkmen, mail men.

They all got kids.

They seem to be getting along fine.

- Yeah, but how do they live? In some joint...

- Not on Park Avenue, honey...

but they're happy, and we could be, too.

What do you say, Jane?

- You know I love you, Steve.

- But that's not enough.

I want you to marry me

and forget your ideas...

of "What good is happiness,

if you can't buy money with it."

I guess maybe you're right.

And I do love you.

Here you are, Al. Want an hors d'oeuvre?

Please, chicken. I'm thinking.

What about me, Irma?

Just because I laid an egg on television,

don't mean I can't have one here.

- Excuse me. Here you are, Seymour.

- I don't want it now. My feelings are hurt.

Will take it.

Just a minute, Al.

This is my apartment, my phone.

Do you mind?

Yes? Who's calling? Mr. C.Y. Sanford?

- You're a Hollywood producer?

- Hollywood producer! Let me handle this.

Quiet, Al. Go back to your spaghetti.

Yes, Mr. Sanford. What?

That's wonderful.

He saw you on television

and he likes you, Steve.

Yes? What?

Yes.

Yes, it's 185 West 73rd Street,

apartment 3-B.

Thank you, Mr. Sanford.

- What's it all about, Jane?

- You know as much as I do, Steve.

I want to know one thing. What about me?

Did he see me on television?

- Yes.

- Well, what did he say?

He sends his regards.

I had a very big day today.

First I get spaghetti, now I get regards.

- This is show business?

- Look, Jane.

I am the boys' manager

and demand to know, what is the act?

Will tell you.

Am Steve's fiance and feel he may be

on verge of getting a big break.

And you are not going to ruin things.

From now on, I'm handling Steve.

Right, dear?

But I thought we were forgetting

about show business?

Not if it can give us everything we want.

Please, Steve.

Well, might as well put on

that old ball and chain now.

Listen, Jane, you can't lock me out.

Must be some way I can pitch in.

There certainly is.

You can help me clean up this apartment.

Mr. Sanford will be here in a few minutes.

He's leaving for the Coast tonight...

and I've got a feeling

things are really gonna start popping.

Jane.

How's the duck coming, honey?

I think you'd better open the spaghetti.

That'll be $3, sir.

Please wait for me.

I'll be down in a few minutes.

- I'll have to leave the meter running.

- That'll be all right.

In fact I might want you

for the entire evening.

Yes, sir.

He's here.

Remember what I told you to do?

That's perfect.

No, not quite perfect.

There's one thing wrong.

It's you.

You can't even be in the same room.

- Mr. Sanford?

- Yes.

I'm Jane Stacey,

Mr. Laird's fiance and manager.

- It's a pleasure to meet you.

- Thank you.

- This is Al.

- Friend, understand you're from Hollywood.

- How do you do?

- How do you do?

- And this is my roommate, Irma Peterson.

- How do you do?

Mr. Sanford,

is it true what they say about Lassie?

How do you do?

And this is the young man

you wanted to meet, Steve Laird.

- Young man, how do you do?

- How do you do?

There's no one to meet in here.

The room's empty.

- What was that?

- Nothing. Nothing.

Wort you sit down, Mr. Sanford?

Now, I'm sure you and Mr. Laird

have a great deal to talk about.

Well, I'm a man of few words.

Quite by accident,

I saw Mr. Laird on television.

And I'm convinced

that he could be a great star...

with my film company in Hollywood.

Are you in a position

to make a definite offer?

I should be. You see, I own the company.

- Here's my offer.

- Friend?

I have utmost faith

in Mr. Laird's ability...

but it might take six months or a year

to groom him for stardom.

But we were planning

to be married immediately.

I'm coming to that, young lady.

I happen to be a bachelor.

- That's no good. She's in love with Steve.

- Quiet, Irma.

What I meant was that

I have a large home in Hollywood...

enough room

to accommodate all you people.

Now, why don't you all go out

with Mr. Laird and be my guests?

And you can have your wedding

at my home.

Sounds great!

I believe that if Steve is important enough

for me to invest $500 a week in him...

in order to make him a star...

I should be willing to pay

all your expenses out there...

to see that he's happy.

That's certainly fair.

- What do you say, Steve?

- I'm all for it.

Good. Will you please sign the contract?

I have but one stipulation.

You must leave for the Coast tomorrow

as I have a part in mind for you.

And you must start rehearsals.

- Is that satisfactory?

- Yes.

Well, here goes.

That's fine.

Now, I'll wire my representative to meet you

at the station when you arrive in Hollywood.

Goodbye.

Young man, I hope we'll be together

for a great many years.

- Thank you.

- Thank you, Mr. Sanford.

Mamma mia. $500 a week.

You see, Al, how a real manager works?

Wait a minute.

Should've asked the guy for an advance.

Got to buy tickets.

It's gonna take a lot of dough

to get out to the Coast.

That's where you and I are different.

When you are dealing with big people,

you must be big yourself.

We'll use our own money

and then when we get to Hollywood...

we'll hand in an expense account.

Why, I wouldn't dream of embarrassing

Mr. Sanford by asking for an advance.

Might have a point there, Jane.

Yeah, we go out in style

and pad the expense account.

Hollywood! Isn't it exciting?

Hey, what about Seymour?

Let's tell him the good news.

Yeah, forgot all about the kid.

It's about time you opened the door.

I shaved myself seven times already.

I'm running out of skin.

- Where to, sir?

- Washington.

I'm going to sign Margaret Truman.

Mr. Sanford, just a minute.

Hello, boys.

I'm having one of my best nights.

I've just signed up a whole troupe

for my picture company.

That's pleasant, Mr. Sanford.

Now, we'll go home.

You know, you surprise me,

breaking out of the sanitarium again.

If you do that just once more,

we'll have to take your fountain pen away.

Then you'll never be able

to play producer again.

It's you, Al.

All right, answer these questions.

Have you had any employment

the week ending the sixth?

No.

- Have you turned down any offers of work?

- No.

Have you tried to get any employment?

Naturally.

Okay, there's your check, Al.

Desire a word with you, friend.

I'm leaving for the Coast this evening.

The Coast?

Yes, wore myself out looking for work.

Am badly in need of a rest.

Would like you to forward my check

to Hollywood.

- Forward it?

- No expense to the government.

Here are self-addressed envelopes

equipped with airmail stamps.

Have to turn you down, Al.

Turn me down? Your best customer?

After been dealing with this firm

for six years. Never missed a week.

Rules, you know. Sorry.

Don't appeal to my sympathy.

I'm telling you one thing.

Tactics like this will only embitter me.

They will not drive me to work.

Al, we got trouble.

Seymour won't go to Hollywood

and I can't leave him here.

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