My Friend Irma Goes West Page #4

But you don't need the kid. You're the star.

I know, but we've been friends

for such a long time.

And after all,

I'd like him there for my wedding.

What are you gonna do with him

once he's out there?

Find something for the kid.

All big stars have stand-ins.

I'll use Seymour.

Okay, it's silly sentiment,

but will talk to the lad for you.

But you can't con him any more, Al.

He knows you don't believe

he has any talent and that we're not a team.

- So, if he doesn't go, I don't go.

- Will you leave it to me?

Will meet you at Grand Central Station.

The kid is as good as on the train.

What are you crying for, kid?

Seymour, you're going to miss the train.

I'm not going.

Not going?

When this is your great opportunity?

My opportunity? You listen to me, Al.

You listen to me, Seymour.

Do you think I'd take you out to California

and not utilize you?

Utilize me? Is that good?

Good? Gonna make a fortune

through your talent.

Yeah? How?

Do you think I'm going out there

because of Steve?

Well, he's got the contract.

Don't you see, kid,

he's just the decoy for you.

You're the hidden talent.

Do you realize where we're going?

- Hollywood?

- And where is Hollywood?

- I don't know. I didn't go that far in school.

- Why, kid, in the Golden West.

And who is the big star of the West

in pictures and television?

- Hopalong Cassidy?

- Right.

And how many Hopalong Cassidys are there?

- One?

- One. Do you think that's enough?

Why?

Son, they are crying for more Hopalongs.

Crying for more Western stars,

men who are rugged and strong physically.

My chest ain't going nowhere.

I'm too skinny.

Listen, kid, they fatten cattle out there...

and if it's good enough for a bull,

it's good enough for you.

That sounds fair.

Gee, Hopalong Cassidy.

- I could be Skipalong Seymour.

- Certainly, kid. You're the Western type.

I can see you now, riding down the trail.

You're riding.

You're riding faster and faster

and faster and faster.

Now, you're off your horse.

You got two guns on your side.

Wait. What's that rustling noise?

- Rustlers?

- Right.

Now you're stalking, and stalking...

and stalking through the underbrush.

Looking for the killers.

There are 40.

40 desperate outlaws waiting to drill you.

- What's the matter?

- I'm scared. I think I'm outnumbered.

No, kid, you're great. You're a natural.

When we get out there, I'll show you.

Are you with me?

- I'm with you.

- Good. Meet you at the station.

Al, my boy, sometimes you frighten me.

My guns are gone. Will get my lasso.

Al, come back! They got me!

Oh, Al, what kind of accommodations

do we have?

I think you and Jane have a drawing room.

But, Al, I can't draw.

Now, where's that idiot?

Lost, I hope. Come on.

Can I help you, mister?

- Car 154, pardner.

- Yes, sir.

We are running up a lot of tabs.

Still think you should have got

an advance from Sanford.

Al, don't be so petty.

The trouble with you is

you're just not a good judge of people.

I think Al has a point.

After a big lunch like this...

why should we have soup for dessert?

Honey, that's a finger bowl.

You're supposed to wash your hands in it.

Now she tells me.

How much did you tip the porter

last night, Irma?

Al handled it for me.

Gave the lad $100.

- $100 for a porter?

- He was very efficient.

Al, must you always be a chiseler?

Now, wait a minute.

When opportunity strikes...

or when someone knows about loyalty...

and as far as financial difficulties

are concerned...

I'm certainly not persuaded to do

as other people might say and do.

One may be right, one may be wrong,

but as far as my feelings are concerned...

you can never designate the possibilities

of anyone knowing they're sure.

What'd I say?

Seymour, will you stay out of this.

Nobody's talking to you.

- But, on the other hand...

- Shut up.

Hold tight.

Come on up here.

Now look around. There.

Hey!

- What's the idea, Steve?

- The surs in my eyes.

There's no sun here.

Must be a reflection.

Something out there's blinding me.

Hey, Steve, isn't that the girl...

Eat up, Seymour. Gonna be a long ride.

Got to build them muscles for the West.

- I was about to say, Al...

- All right, kid. Go ahead, say it.

I can't eat the roll unless

there's jelly on it.

Hold it right there, please, Miss Yvonne.

Thank you.

So you're going through to Hollywood,

Miss Yvonne?

Oui. But only for a short time.

Then Pierre and I are going directly

to Las Vegas to divorce Victor.

Pierre?

The only one who truly understand me.

N'est-ce pas, Pierre?

Any chance of a reconciliation?

None. Victor think I'm an eccentric.

I don't see why.

But we shall plead extreme mental cruelty.

Wort we, Pierre?

Miss Yvonne,

what do you think of the divorce?

Naturellement, I'm completely heartbroken.

And you can quote me as saying,

"I'm through with men forever."

- I think I'll run out and get some magazines.

- No, honey, I'll get them for you.

No, I'll go, Jane. A walk will help me

clear the cobwebs off my mind.

All right, honey, but hurry.

Our train leaves in five minutes.

Don't worry,

I never missed a train in my life.

- Hello.

- Hello.

Have you a Flair, Look, and Life

for my girlfriend?

I better have something to read myself.

Have the new Flash Gordon comic books

come in?

- I think so, miss.

- Swell.

All aboard!

Gosh! Here.

Jane! Jane! Wait for me!

"Am wiring $100.

Take plane and meet us in Kansas City."

That ought to do it.

Don't like chicken to fly.

That dame's in a tailspin

even when she's on the ground.

Let's find the conductor. We'll wire

in care of the station agent in Chicago.

Are you sure you don't mind

flying me to Albuquerque?

Albuquerque? You hired me

to take you to Kansas City.

That's right, because

I'm going to California.

California?

Well, I thought you said you had to meet

some friends at Albuquerque?

Yes. That's why I want you

to drop me in Kansas City.

Look, lady, will you make up your mind?

I'm going berserk.

Berserk? That's no good.

- I don't know anybody in Berserk.

- Oh, mother!

Jane! Jane! Wait for me!

Well, ma'am, you almost missed it.

Gosh! I'm sure glad I made it this time.

I've got friends aboard.

We're all going to Hollywood.

Well, that's news for the engineer,

'cause this train is headed for Chicago.

Chicago? Let me out of here.

Hey, we just passed Dodge City.

I'd better change my time.

Hey, look at that monkey. He got my watch.

What's a monkey want with a watch?

Can he tell time?

Come on, let's get it.

- Monkey.

- Here, monk.

- Come on, little monkey.

- Here, monkey.

Hey, looking for something?

- I lost my watch.

- What's the difference?

I'll tell you what time it is

when it is time.

This is the way to look for a watch?

Well, come in, sit down.

How nice.

We each have a traveling companion.

Traveling companion.

Are you crazy, lady? I'm a human being.

- Will you tell him to give me my watch?

- Yes.

If you tell me what the reward is.

What are you doing on this train?

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