My Friend Irma Goes West Page #5

I have a contract to go to Hollywood

to make pictures.

- With who?

- C.Y. Sanford.

- Never heard of him.

- He gave me a great big deal.

I'll give you a much better one.

You're going to Hollywood the wrong way.

What do you mean?

I mean I never heard of Mr. Sanford.

But I do need a new leading man

for my next picture.

What kind of a guy must he be?

He should be tall and handsome...

and he should have black wavy hair...

and big brown eyes...

and he should be a little frightened.

I'm sorry, I haven't had much experience.

Don't worry, we'll take long rehearsals.

Well, I'd better go.

You see, I have a friend out here.

Forget about your friend.

Think about your career.

Just relax and think about it.

Well, thanks a lot, but I can't take

the part. I got trouble.

Jane, you've gotta quit

running away from me.

I gotta talk to you.

Now, you're going to sit here

and listen to me.

I love you and only you.

Say you believe me.

Yeah, I believe you, Steve, but...

Stop it, Seymour. I'm looking for Jane.

Here I am, Steve.

Did you want to tell me something?

Jane...

I believe you, honey.

And I don't mean to be jealous...

it's just that there's something about you

that makes me hate all other women.

Will you forgive me?

I even ordered us drinks,

so we can celebrate.

Here's to us.

- And you'll never doubt me again, right?

- Right.

I got a canasta. I'm out.

Albuquerque. 15-minute stop.

Al! Al!

Chicken! Where you been?

What took you so long?

Did you come by covered wagon?

Don't scold me, Al.

We're in terrible trouble.

- Trouble?

- Yes, look.

Holy smoke! Shanghaied by a screwball.

How'll we explain it to Jane

after she spent everything she had?

Should have never let that dame manage

things. Warned her to get the dough first.

From now on, I'm taking over.

Al, don't be angry at Jane.

Remember, it's better to give than receive.

What has that got to do

with this murderous situation?

Nothing, Al. I just thought

it was a good time to quote someone.

Scram, chicken. Got to think.

Steve, you better go with her.

Break the news to Jane.

Am going to start operating.

- An orange juice, please.

- Yes, ma'am.

Shame on you. You don't do that. Be quiet.

Garon, make it two.

- Where is that young...

- Wanna talk to you about that.

Have you noticed how that boy acts

when he's around you?

Yes, but fortunately I have Pierre along,

so I'm not too chilled.

Come now, I'm surprised

that a sophisticated dame like you...

You naughty boy. Come on down.

I'm surprised

that a sophisticated dame like you...

cannot spot this lad's

smoldering, reluctant, suppressed desires.

What do you mean?

The boy is nuts about you.

- Nuts?

- Yeah, as you French would say, nuts.

Amour, nuts.

- Well, what about the other girl?

- His mother.

I'm going to Hollywood

to start my new picture...

in which I could use a new leading man

like Mr. Laird.

My present one, it's getting much too old,

a man of 32.

Great! Well, how about the kid?

Unfortunately, I have to go

to Las Vegas first.

My business manager

owns a nightclub there...

the Lucky Dollar Club.

I think I could arrange for Steve

to work there while I'm getting my divorce.

It's a deal.

But you gotta understand, Miss Yvonne,

this has to be a secret between us.

As you French would say, entre preneur.

Well, let everything up to me.

I see you in two days

at the Lucky Dollar Club...

- when Steve open there. All right?

- Right.

That'll be 20 cents.

Madame, your pleasure.

Well, why all the gaiety?

Al, Jane's trying to figure a way

to get us back to New York.

- New York? What's playing there?

- Listen, Al...

Now, you listen to me, Jane.

You got us into this hole,

you with your managing.

You can't talk to Jane that way.

Look, kid, let's face it.

With this dame managing you,

you are going nowhere with great rapidity.

- Why, you got a deal?

- Sure I got a deal.

Got a terrific job

singing in a swank Las Vegas club.

But only on condition that from here on in,

Al handles things.

Think it over.

I thought it over, Manager.

Now that's what I call

thinking constructively.

Seymour, you go and help the girls

with their bags.

Jane, check in at the Rosa Mission Hotel.

We got to stay here overnight.

Steve, would like a word with you.

Now, kid, I had a terrific time

putting this deal across.

- But I finally got to the right party.

- What party?

- How's that?

- What party?

- Yvonne.

- Yvonne.

Yvonne! You want me to get killed?

What if Jane finds out?

She don't have to.

It's one of the chances we got to take.

You open at the club, you're a hit,

Hollywood snatches you.

Then you can lose the French dame,

you marry Jane...

and your kids will thank me

to their dying day.

Now, you go and romance Jane

while I promote transportation to Las Vegas.

All right, but that orange juice stand...

is beginning to look like

the First National Bank to me.

Blankets. Real Indian blankets.

Knock off.

I need it like I need a hole in the head.

Excellent buy.

With each blanket, bead souvenir.

Look, Hiawatha, will you hit the road?

- Just a minute, noble brother.

- Yes?

- This is your car?

- One of them.

The other three are parked

in back of my wigwam.

Pretty classy heap.

Heap classy. But got to get rid of it.

See? Under tires? Dirty.

Chief, that much dough in blankets?

Do very well.

How many you got there?

- 20.

- That'll do it.

Just need 20. How much are they?

- $10 apiece.

- Cheap, Chief. You'll take a check?

No. Little suspicious...

ever since my great-grandfather

sold Manattan Island.

Want cash.

Well, my treasurer will be here

in half an hour.

- You'll trust me?

- Yes.

Because I'll be here, too.

Blankets. Get your red hot blankets.

Get your red hot blankets.

- Blankets, ladies? You married?

- No.

Then you'll need them.

Keep you nice and warm.

Are you a Sioux?

If you don't pay for the blankets,

I'll sue you.

Clever? Just made it up.

You poor dear soul, you.

What the white folks have done to you.

What tribe was your mother?

Stay out of my private life.

You wanna buy blankets or don't you?

We don't need any blankets.

Why didn't you say so in the first place?

Indian nuts?

Halavah? Chocolate covered

with nuts on top?

Well, then, scram, tourists.

If you're not gonna buy nothing,

get out of here.

Get your blankets.

Red hot blankets.

Red hot blankets.

Buenas noches, seorita.

Auf Wiedersehen, Senator.

Before I sing a great love song for you,

seorita, I take this rose...

I kiss it, and give it to you to wear.

- Bravo!

- Bravo!

- Al, did you see the moon?

- Why, is it missing?

No, Al. Look out there.

Did you ever see a sky like that?

There's the Big Diaper

and the Little Diaper...

and Venus and Mercurochrome.

They're all out tonight.

Then they ain't lonely.

They don't need me. Scram.

"Scram," Al?

But we've been engaged for five years.

We've got to take advantage

of nights like these.

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