My Friend Irma Goes West Page #6

Agree we've got to take advantage.

That's why I'm sitting here waiting

for a pigeon to get into a little game.

But, Al, don't I mean anything to you?

How can you talk about gambling

when the night was made for love?

Chicken, don't get hysterical.

I got to make a buck.

- But the moon is...

- Chicken, got news for you.

The moon is made out of green cheese...

and I'm the kind of a guy

who likes a little bread with it.

So will you very kindly blow?

Demanding dame.

All alone, friend?

Why, yes. Do you indulge?

Well, now and then I play a little cribbage.

- Ever gamble?

- No.

But I've always had a yearning.

Friend, yearn no more.

- Sit down.

- Thank you.

Butterfingers.

May I deal once?

- Lf you insist.

- Thank you.

Where do you learn

to shuffle cards like that, friend?

I have three young grandchildren.

When they come over to the house

once a week, I play Old Maid with them.

- Will open for $200.

- I'll raise you $200.

- Raise.

- I'll raise.

- Raise.

- I'll raise.

- Will call.

- How many cards would you like, sir?

None. Am pat. How about you?

I haven't looked at these yet,

but I'll use these.

- Okay, check.

- All right.

Read them and weep. Straight.

Now, what does it take to beat that, friend?

It'll take at least a flush.

I haven't got it.

But I have got a full house.

How do you know?

You haven't looked at the cards.

It's beginner's luck, I guess.

Well, it's 7:
00. Past my bedtime.

Guess we'll have to go now.

Must you?

Well, I got...

You still have $400 of my money, you know.

Like to give you a chance to get it back,

but got to be in Las Vegas in the morning.

Sit down, friend.

You're a likely-looking fellow.

Like the way you handle cards.

Almost as good as I was when I broke in.

You a gambler?

Let's just say I'm a businessman.

But I represent a group of gamblers.

We're planning on opening in Vegas.

I'm always looking for new talent

to handle one of my roulette wheels.

You interested?

Well, might be. What is your proposition?

10% of take

and advance transportation to Las Vegas.

- Well...

- Good.

I like a man who makes decisions.

I've chartered a plane.

We leave in half an hour.

- But I have friends.

- It's a large plane.

Now, start packing, friend.

What's the big idea?

My goodness!

What are you doing under the sand?

A little doggie buried me.

What's the matter, can't a guy even relax?

There's Al.

Excuse me a minute, girls.

- I've been trying to locate you, Al.

- More trouble?

- That Yvonne dame is in town.

- How do you know?

Go ahead, wise guy,

figure out an angle for that.

I told you we'd have to play the odds, kid.

The odds are 50-1

I'm dead if Jane finds out.

This is my wedding night.

Steve, my boy,

this is no time for sentiment.

Sentiment? I got news for you.

If Jane finds out Yvonne's in town,

I'm not opening tonight.

Steve, take my word.

Jane will not be at the opening tonight.

Now, get back to her

before she gets suspicious.

Got to get an angle.

- Got to get an angle.

- Al.

You didn't say anything

about my new bathing suit.

You got one on?

Al, don't you pay any attention?

Chicken, with the problems

I've got on my mind...

you could be wearing a suit of armor

and wouldn't notice.

Al, if you're in trouble, I was thinking...

Chicken, with you, that's dangerous.

Wait a minute. I got an idea.

Tell you what I want you to do.

I'm sick, I tell you.

- What are you doing here?

- Where is she?

Chicken. Oh, was right. Was right.

She looked murderous all day,

and when she didn't call me...

I knew the poor kid was off the beam.

- You better have a look at her, Doc.

- Doctor...

Ain't got time for introductions.

What do you say, Doc? How bad is she?

Wonder where she caught it.

- Probably contagious, too.

- Be quiet, Al.

Doctor, is there anything seriously

the matter with this girl?

- Could I see you in private, please?

- Yes.

Chicken, your act is terrific.

You even look sick.

How'd you get that green complexion?

You know, when I do anything,

I always do it right.

- I swallowed a whole bottle of pickles.

- Great, chicken.

I'm going to sneak back

to the Quicksand Club...

and after tonight's cleaning,

you and me is as good as hitched.

When I think of marrying you,

I could stay sick forever.

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the Lucky Dollar.

We start our floorshow

by bringing you a new singing discovery...

who is making his first appearance.

How about a great big Western welcome?

Mr. Steve Laird.

This is a pretty song

But I don't like it

Don't want a city song

Wanna sing Western

That is the best darn music in all the world

We're gonna have

A low-down hoe-down tonight

Step up, stranger, try your hand

Have a hi-dee-hoe-down tonight

To the diddle of the fiddle

and the guitar band

Gonna git a little gal and sashay tonight

Prairie music, that's our brand

Who cares if they're playir it right

Long as we can hear the fiddle

and the guitar band

Wort he be wonderful in my next picture?

Yvonne, darling,

the part calls for an older man.

Don't worry.

When I'll be through with him,

he will be older and wiser.

...beef and barbecue ball

You can bet a silver dollar

I'm a-goir tonight.

Finest wing-a-ding in the land

See me a-heel-and-toeir tonight

To the diddle of the fiddle

and the guitar band.

Swing your partner down the middle

But be sure you're with the diddle

And the twiddle of the fiddle

and the guitar band

Get ready for the square dance!

Make way for a lop-eared, ring-tailed...

smoke-eating, dad-blasted,

iron-livered varmint.

Oh, I'm gonna ride a mean coyote tonight

Smoke some cactus, that's my brand

Watch my pistols blazir tonight

In the middle of the fiddle and guitar band

Oh I'm gonna shoot

a few dumb sheriffs tonight

Chase that posse off my land

Don't you rile me stranger tonight

Or I'll riddle up the fiddle

and the guitar band

Now, get, Seymour.

I gotta call the square dance.

Get yourself.

I'm calling the square dance, pardner.

Now get. Go on, get.

Form your squares and circle 'round

Gonna have

the best square dance in town

Pass the biscuits, pass the grits

Pass the pills afore it hits

Play it pretty on the accordeen

There's old Pete. Say, how've you been?

Promenade, left and watch that twist

Grand right left, right after this

Got a dog named Ginger

How she yaps

Does she bite?

No, Ginger snaps

Promenade away we go

Finish up with a do-sa-do

Don't feel badly, Jane.

At least you can hear him.

But I did so want to see him.

Well, I guess this is better than nothing.

You can bet a silver dollar I'm goir tonight

Finest wingding in the land

See me a-heel-and-toeir tonight

To the diddle of the fiddle

and the guitar band

Swing your partner down the middle

But be sure you're with the diddle

And the twiddle of the fiddle

and the guitar band

- The show is over.

- It is? Well, I feel better.

Irma, how come you recovered so quickly?

- There's no point being sick now.

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