My Last 5 Girlfriends Page #4

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It normally only takes me 20 minutes,

but it's being fixed, you see.

I want to be back in Colchester

by the weekend.

If I don't book my ticket now,

I'll have to stand on the train.

She's looking much better now.

She's been ill for almost a year.

I would feel momentarily sad

that I would never get to hear

the rest of these stories.

What was it about Gemma that evoked

such confused feelings in me?

Feelings that my love for Natalie

didn't seem to resolve.

So did you fall in love with her?

- What?

- I saw you with her.

- Who?

- Gemma.

Of course not.

- She's just your type.

- No, she's not.

So, what was I feeling so guilty about?

Had my feelings

towards Natalie changed?

Is something wrong?

Do you not like me today?

- I like you less.

- Really? Much less?

- No, not that much.

- Out of ten?

Today? I should say six and a half.

No, six and three-quarters, perhaps.

How about you with me?

I'd say about minus three.

Although it might have been

a 12 and a half last night.

Often I couldn't tell whether

my feelings towards Natalie

had anything to do with her at all.

Here, for instance.

Was I furious with Natalie for making a

racket while I tried to watch the news?

Or did it have more to do

with losing the contract

for Tooting Bec tube station?

Wankers!

Or was I still disturbed by a comment

I had overheard Natalie say at a party?

You can't spend forever

looking for the right person.

- You've got to get on with your life.

- On the face of it,

Natalie and I were a perfect match,

but in reality something was missing.

That mysterious, indefinable spark

just wasn't there.

To stabilise our feelings

for each other,

we would often project

a future for ourselves,

imagining we were a couple of oldies

with stacks of grandchildren.

Or find houses we both liked

and decorate them in our heads.

We tried to make ourselves believe

in a future together.

A future that deep down both of us

knew would never happen.

And so in a pattern that we've

now seen repeated many times over,

another ride representing

another failed relationship

- comes to an end.

- God, what a loser.

Are you getting on?

Yeah, OK.

Which brings us

to the next stop on our tour.

An area devoted to

a rather difficult period

in Duncan's life.

This landscape represents Duncan's life

in the second half of this year.

A bleak and barren time,

devoid of any companionship

or happiness.

Six months of take-away pizzas

and video rentals.

Perhaps some of you might like

to take a quiet moment of reflection.

It's something that many of our guests

like to do at this point.

But let's not dwell here for too long,

as an area of the park devoted

to the new year

is just around the corner.

And who could have guessed

what that would bring?

Visitors of Duncanworld.

Today I have the great pleasure of

opening this theme park's latest ride.

Higher, faster, more exciting than

anything you have experienced before.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,

I give you...

...the Gemma.

Hey! Excuse me!

The alarm's gone off.

Can I check your bags?

- I paid for everything in my bag.

- I'm not saying you haven't.

But I need to check your bags.

Maybe there's a tag or something.

There, you see? Socks.

- Still got the tag. Got a receipt?

- No, I didn't put those in my bag.

You saying you didn't pay for 'em?

I'm saying I didn't

put those in my bag.

I paid for my food, I literally

came straight from the checkout.

I'm not gonna have time

to steal socks, am I?

Why are you losing control? I'm

asking to see a receipt for the socks.

- You're joking, aren't you?

- Gemma!

Are you all right?

- I think so.

- I need to see your receipt.

Come on. You don't seriously think

she stole those, do you?

- So sorry. I don't mean to be rude.

- No, it's only your job.

- Your party about six months ago.

- Hey.

First of all, what would she want

with a pair of men's socks?

I don't know, sir.

Maybe her boyfriend?

How do you know that? Gemma,

do you need a pair of men's socks?

- Do you have a boyfriend?

- No.

No. So we're all just wasting our time.

- So how are you?

- I'm fine. Thank you.

- Where's your car?

- Just down here.

- Are you still designing fire exits?

- Wow. You remember.

Yeah, I'm your biggest fan.

Your emergency corridor

is one of my favourites.

Really? They let me do

a bit more now, you know.

- I'm designing a health centre.

- Oh, shame.

I really thought

you'd found your medium.

Do you think? Thanks very much.

- Isn't all this a bit premature?

- I'm sorry?

- She might not be very interested.

- Does she really fancy you?

Mere details, friends.

Yeah, what's to say that you won't make

exactly the same mistakes as before?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

But this time

things are gonna be different.

I'm going into it

with a whole new attitude.

- I'm not going to let this one go.

- Right, OK.

I'm gonna pay attention

to every tiny detail.

I'll anticipate the problems. I'm gonna

make use of all of this experience.

Do you think? I just found people

were too unappreciative

during an emergency evacuation.

They don't take the time

- to appreciate the craftsmanship.

- That's what I've always felt.

- Please don't tell me this is it.

- Hey, do not be rude about my car.

- I love my little car.

- No, it's lovely.

It's just not much of a getaway vehicle.

If you're gonna plan

daring sock robberies,

you really ought to think

the whole thing through.

- Where were you headed?

- I was shopping.

- Where?

- In the supermarket.

Where's your shopping?

They didn't have what I wanted.

Which was?

An avocado.

I really needed an avocado.

What, like this one?

You put those socks in my bag,

didn't you?

Is that important? Really?

Surely, the most important thing

is that you go out with me.

Blimey, you're forward.

Not really, I'm just desperate.

And this time it was different.

T- minus ten, nine, eight,

seven, six, five,

four, three,

two, one.

We have lift-off.

This was someone I could imagine

spending the rest of my life with.

We seemed able to accommodate

each other's differences.

And there wasn't some old relationship

waiting in the wings,

ready to be re-started.

I was walking past Jigsaw today.

There's this really nice jumper

in the window.

- Great.

- It's lovely.

- Why are you telling me?

- Shut up.

I was walking past Bang & Olufsen

the other day.

- But it's not your birthday, is it?

- Why, whose is it?

You are such an idiot.

I picked up the jumper

on my way back from work.

But as I was filling out

the accompanying card, I realised

that this was my first non-intimidating

chance to legitimately tell Gemma

that I loved her. I had wanted

to tell her plenty of times.

I love you.

You see,

Gemma was suspicious of words.

People can talk problems into existence.

Problems that aren't even there

in the first place.

When I was 12 years old,

I fell madly in love with this boy

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