My Life In Ruins

Greece.

People come here from all over

to see the ancient ruins.

To bask in history.

To be a part of the birthplace

of civilization.

People reconnect with their souls.

They find their mojo.

In Greece, it's called kefi,

which means "passion, joy, spirit. "

Late!

Goodbye, Genaki.

In a week.

That window's stuck again.

-Bravo. Where is the rent?

-I left it on the trapesi.

Now, me, I love the beauty

and architecture of ancient Greece.

But living in modern Greece

can be a bit frustrating.

Sometimes things go fast.

Most times,

not so much.

I came here a year ago to teach

at Athens University.

Cutbacks left me without a job.

So now, for now,

I work at Pangloss Tours.

Georgia!

Oh, yeah. I've hit rock bottom.

Georgia. Again you cut out beach day.

They can go to the beach in any country.

On my tour,

I teach them about ancient architecture.

Nobody comes to Greece to learn.

Maria, I disagree.

-It's open.

-You didn't get the job.

Don't you read the evaluations?

"What do you think of Georgia

as tour director?"

"Average. Average. Average."

So I'm average.

Average is the lowest box you can check.

Do you think we have

something that says, "Stinks"?

And if we did, you'd be stinks.

-"I find your tour boring."

-My tourists are boring.

I think I've guided, like, 34 tours

and you give me the same tourists

over and over again.

Look! There they are.

The Tipsy Australians.

-The Obnoxious Americans.

-It's called "rip-off."

The Miserable Marriages.

The Disgusted-With-Men-

But-Still-Looking Divorcees.

-Stop!

-And, of course, The Old People.

-I don't see Mr. Funny.

-Who?

There's always one annoying guy

who thinks he's the life of the party.

Canadians. Polite Canadians.

-Can I have them?

-No.

They're in Group A. Nico's group.

Why does Nico always

get the good group?

His evaluations don't say, "Average."

God!

By the way,

Spiros eloped with that girl with no foot.

-Excellent.

-Why?

-I'm being sarcastic.

-You're not funny. Stop trying.

-Who's my driver? Not Themio.

-Relax. He's in jail.

You got the substitute. Procopi.

The creepy, hairy, creepy guy?

He's right behind me, isn't he?

-Does he speak English?

-I don't know if he speaks anything.

Maybe they caught a bear.

Taught it to drive.

So I have rules. You cannot speed,

you cannot smoke

and you cannot eat while driving.

Great, he doesn't speak English.

Don't forget to brush him.

-Maria! Maria!

-Nico! Nico!

Hey, thank you for my group, eh?

He bribes you for the good group?

-No.

-Yes.

That girl. That girl has no kefi.

What Greek does not have spirit, eh?

Maybe she's half Greek.

This was supposed to be temporary while

she looked for some big-shot teaching job.

And now no one will hire her

and I am stuck with her.

Hey, if I make her quit, can I have a raise?

I don't want to know about it. Yes.

-Group B! Group B, everyone.

-Hey!

Group B, hello, I'm Georgia.

Welcome to Greece. I'm your tour guide.

I'm Irv Giddeon,

and I've come here to see

as many ancient ruins as possible.

And judging from your husband,

the trip is already a success.

There you are! And, indeed, funny.

I'm killing me.

How many of you, like me, have come here

to fondle as many nude statues

as possible?

-Half the reason I came.

-Get your hand down.

Jeez. This is comedy.

The Greeks invented it.

It's like mustaches on women.

You know, we left Adelaide last night

with 17 pounds of frozen flake.

I'm giving it liquid yawns in the dunnies.

-It was a shocker, Barry.

-Yeah.

-Are they speaking words?

-Australians are the nicest people,

but you can only understand

about half of what they say.

...a bad case of the trots

of last night's tucker.

It's the last time I ate fish.

Excuse me. Is this Pangloss Tours?

Group B?

Sweet marble cake, she speaks American.

Come on, get it up now.

Okay.

-Okay, everybody, let's get on the bus.

-Oh, yes.

Okay, Group B, got your tickets?

Follow me.

Spooky.

Okay. Now make sure that your luggage

is tagged and the driver will stow it.

-Okay, you got me.

-Sorry.

-That's okay. Dr. Tullen?

-Oh, no, no. I'm Mr., that's...

I am Dr. Tullen.

And this is our daughter, Caitlin.

-Do smile, darling.

-I am.

Hey, big fellow, how many bells

have you got on the old dickory?

What the hell? What the hell is he saying?

Oh, wake up, Australia.

He wants to know what time it is.

-See, if it's...

-Here you go.

then that would make it...

Kimmy, what time is it back in the States?

-The right time.

-Good one, Kimmy.

Kim and AI Sawchuck. S-A-W-Chuck.

-Come on, Al. Come on, Big Al.

-AI Sawchuck. How are you?

-Okay. How are you?

-Let's go, Big Al.

Okay, there you go. There you go.

There's no smoking on the bus.

-I have a question.

-Yeah.

What's with the beekeeper?

My wife needs protection from the sun.

But we're not going to the sun.

That man is so rude. Make it stop.

Excuse me, ladies. Hey, there.

I'm Marc Mallard. IHOP.

That's the International House

of Pancakes.

Did one of you lose this?

Thank you, Marc. I must have dropped it.

It looks like a raspberry waffle.

-Or a tart.

-Or a tart.

Hi. I'm Lena Mara Angustias

Teresa Fernndez de la Vega Rodrguez.

And she's Lala Cruz.

-We're from Espaa.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-And we are both recently divorced.

-And off men.

Hi. I'm Marc Mallard. IHOP.

Hello. Georgia Yanokoupolis.

Pangloss Tours.

-I'll see you on the bus.

-Okay.

Group B? Yes. Names.

You don't speak English, do you?

And Maria gave you to me.

Luggage this way.

And then you get on the bus.

-Excuse me. I'm looking for the bus.

-Yeah.

-This is it.

-Group B?

-Oh, cool.

-Okay.

Hey, Gator Phillips.

-I'm from Florida, the States.

-You're traveling alone?

No way, man.

I'm gonna meet my girlfriend in Greece.

-We are in Greece.

-Now?

Right on. Thanks, man.

-Okay, here you go.

-Is this free?

Yeah.

Kalimera, everyone.

That's Greek for, "Good morning."

Hello, beautiful people. I am Nico.

For you, warm loucoumades.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Wrong bus.

-Hey, wait a minute...

-What the hell? Where's our donuts?

What a rip!

I'm gonna get... I could get you some later,

maybe. I'll look around.

-Yeah...

-We should get something.

Let's go.

I mean, who needs the carbs, right?

Not me. My ankles swell from the wheat.

Okay, you might want to write this down.

In 1834, Athens became

the capital of modern Greece.

Now, I'm not just a tour guide.

I am a professor of classical history.

Oh, great!

Are we gonna have a test now?

So I'm going to teach you

all about the architecture

and monuments of ancient Greece.

-Like the propylea.

-Which is the word for donuts.

-My name is Georgia.

-Louder, please.

-My name is Georgia.

-Yes, dear.

I'm Dorcas, Dorcas Wilmore.

And this is my husband, Barnaby.

Oh, I've got everyone a little souvenir.

-To remember our trip together.

-All right.

-Oh, you shouldn't have.

-This must have cost you a shitload.

Oh, no, it was nothing.

Hand those around, would you, dear?

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