My Life In Ruins Page #2

Guide, this bus is really stuffy.

-My daughter, Caitlin, needs fresh air.

-Okay, no problem.

-Turn it off!

-Oh, my God!

Smells like death.

Sorry about that.

-Angie?

-It's Georgia.

Is the Sasquatch gonna be

with us the whole time?

-He's the driver.

-What's his name?

Right. Everyone,

please say hello to Procopi.

-Hey, Procopi.

-Hello, Procopi.

Oh, I'm sorry. He has a nickname

he'd rather be known by.

Poupi.

Did he just say, "Poop"?

Fair suck of the sav,

mate, I can't call you Poupi.

What's your last name?

It's Kakas.

They're laughing at your name.

So what? Laughing is good.

-Okay! Yeah.

-It's hot.

Come, come, come.

I love you beautiful people.

All right, everybody,

let's go this way. Come on.

Well, I have an exciting day planned.

But, first, listen.

Whenever we stop the bus, whether it be

for restrooms or lunch or for touring,

the driver or I will lock the bus. So you

can leave whatever you need in there.

Cameras, sweaters, handbags, anything.

-What about sweaters?

-Anything.

-Handbags?

-Yes.

Cameras, too?

Cameras, too.

Anything, anytime, anywhere.

-Anything.

-Come on, Barnaby. Come on.

We are now walking through

the tholos. Say it with me? Anyone?

Okay. The Greek word "agora "

means a place of gathering,

and in ancient times,

this was the heart of Athenian life.

Plato and Socrates taught philosophy here.

-She still talking?

-It's hot.

-Yes.

-Where can we get ice cream?

-Is there, like, a mini-mart around here?

-If you just...

I thought this was

the ancient supermarket.

-If you go back to...

-Come, come.

I have a surprise for you. Look. Hey!

Come, beautiful people. Who wants to be

Zeus and Athena? Please, please, come.

-Photo op here.

-Look, he's great.

-Come on.

-Hey, can we do that?

-I wish I was over there.

-That's cheesy.

-That's the good group.

-I want to take a listen.

There's a god with a camera. He's a very

clever god. He invented the camera.

All right, we're going to

the Temple of Hephaestus now. This way.

It's an exciting chapter in history.

Come on, everyone.

I'd rather get my picture taken

as Zeus over there.

It's this way. Come on.

I know it's hot.

The Temple of Hephaestus,

-built between 460 and 415...

-In the words of Big Kev, love...

-We're excited!

-We're excited!

-I'm not sure if they allow beer here.

-Okay, I'll finish it off.

-Okay. There's a trash can over there.

-At last some excitement.

Built between 460 and 415 B.C...

This place looks just like

our Washington, D.C. IHOP.

-No, actually, I'm sure it doesn't.

-Hey, Ange, hey, Ange! Ange!

Al and his crew could have

this place fixed up in a couple of minutes.

Dry wall, new roof, walk-in closets.

-Flip that house!

-Flip that house!

That's a joke. I'm sure that's a joke,

because making it new

would not make it more beautiful.

The point is, it's ancient.

It's ancient. I mean, look at it.

Isn't it magnificent?

Come this way, beautiful people.

Nico puts the gloss into Pangloss. Yes?

Now come around. Please, come around.

Thank you.

So come around, please.

That's the temple there.

-It's very nice, yes?

-Yes.

Enough culture. Now, souvenirs, yes?

Who wants that temple made of soap?

-Temple on a rope, yeah?

-Me, please.

No, no, that's not authentic.

-You don't want that.

-We like those.

Hey, Group B.

You want to come shopping with Nico?

Nico, what are you doing?

No, Group B, you're with me.

I've an hour of shopping

scheduled on Day 4.

-This way, hon.

-We got everything, my friend.

Come this way, follow the pretty ladies.

Hey, beautiful ladies!

Meet back at the bus in 40 minutes.

Standing in the middle

of culture and history,

and they want a 50-50 poly-cotton blend

T-shirt with a picture of a Trojan horse.

Why am I spending my life

showing tourists

gorgeous ancient ruins

they care nothing about?

And Pangloss Tours pays lousy.

They book the worst hotel rooms.

I don't have any friends here.

I actually don't know anybody.

Really, I haven't had sex in forever.

-Forever is a long time.

-Yeah.

-You speak English.

-Yes.

I do, too.

That's great. Anybody else?

Excellent. Excuse me. Nice to meet you.

Excuse me. Bye.

-You must think I'm crazy.

-Yes.

Fair enough. Why would you not tell me?

I thought you needed to talk.

I have 3 sisters. So talk.

Do you ever question

what you're doing with your life?

-No.

-What?

-Talk more about the no sex.

-I'm good, thanks.

You don't question? Come on,

Greece is the land of philosophers.

Yes. But that is their job.

My job is to drive the bus.

You know, it pays better.

Come on. You don't have a life plan?

-How do you plan life?

-What?

Come on.

We'll get some coffee and you can talk.

What? We're working.

Everyone should take the time for a coffee.

That is the typical Greek mentality.

Woman. Where's your kefi?

-I have kefi. I have lots of kefi.

-No.

-No, you don't. No.

-Yes, I do.

That's why you're so uptight and skinny.

Skinny?

Look, we're late, so no coffee. Hey.

Everybody in Nico's group

has nice vacation.

You want to have relation with me?

What's that postcard there?

Which one? Which side

do you want? The one up above or this one?

Oh, that's nice. Good.

Group B!

Group B!

Gather up, Group B.

Well, we're a little behind schedule.

A lot. So...

I picked up something

that we can eat on the bus.

And it is a special treat.

-What is that?

-It's souvlaki.

-It's meat on a stick.

-What kind of meat is that?

It looks like poodle.

-That's not right.

-It's not poodle.

Hey. Hey, come to the Hard Rock Cafe.

It's very Greek.

-Dude, Hard Rock!

-Come! Come on.

Chicken fingers and French fries!

No, no.

I have souvlaki.

Why would you want to... That...

I have souvlaki.

Why would you want to... That...

Yeah. Get a Greek salad.

Hard Rock.

Doesn't sound very Greek to me.

-Hi, it's Caitlin, right? Having fun?

-No.

-Well, what are you listening to?

-Nothing.

-When are we going to the beach?

-That's not on my itinerary.

Of course not. This sucks.

Sorry about that.

My daughter's chronically unhappy.

It's not her fault. It's a genetic thing.

Hansdorf syndrome.

Mr. Tullen, I'm so sorry.

Okay, let's learn some more Greek.

Kalispera, kalispera, everyone.

That's Greek for, "Good evening."

Can you say it with me?

Wow. Are you sure you're not Greek?

Hey, Georgia.

I'm sorry. I got sunblock in my eye.

Do you have any drops?

I do.

This way, please. Beautiful people.

Ladies and gentlemen, this way, please.

What is this place?

Hey, hey, hey, Georgia, Georgia.

-You're staying there?

-Aren't you?

No way! Great hotel. Best chain in Greece.

This way, please, Canadians.

Everybody got your luggage?

Wow. What a dump.

Only about 3 at a time are

gonna fit in this elevator.

Oh, Al, honey. We gotta get to the room.

I'm ovulating. Like, now.

Kimmy, you know I can't perform

on command like that. That's not natural.

Get into them. It's duck's guts.

Crack open a tinny, love. After all

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