My Life In Ruins Page #3

that yakking, you must be bloody thirsty.

Actually, I'm a lightweight.

One drink and I'm looking

for a bellman to make out with.

-That was a joke.

-You're not funny.

I've heard.

Just a converter?

Yeah, that's no problem at all.

Okay, I can get you water,

and do you need anything?

Here we go. Okay.

Come on, Barnaby. That's right. In you go.

There you go.

Your elevator is broken.

Anthony Quinn.

We have to take the stairs.

-Why?

-Because it's Greece.

In the movie Zorba the Greek, the scene

where Alan Bates and Anthony Quinn

have just lost all their life savings.

What do they do? They dance.

That's the way this whole country works.

Or doesn't.

If the shower doesn't work...

I'm sorry.

...they dance.

Or you want a little privacy,

they dance.

I'm very sorry. I'm very sorry.

Not that sorry.

Or, God forbid, the toilet breaks...

Oh, flapjacks.

...you get the Greek philosophy.

"Relax, pee outside.

"Maybe it is your destiny

to write a poem about the sky."

And then they dance.

You know, Greece was

a happening place 2,500 years ago.

It was the birthplace of art

and democracy and philosophy.

And then they discovered the nap.

This country's disregard for rules

and order is just sloppy.

What is with this hair? Is it a full moon?

You know, you've all just got to get

your act together and stop dancing.

Where's my fleabag of a room?

It's fixed.

Yeah.

Now what?

-Maria!

-Georgia, darling.

I'm up to my ears in work here.

Greece has

the most beautiful accommodation.

Like, first-class hotels with, like,

your own swimming pool in your room.

How do you find these crappy joints?

Lucky I find somewhere.

Yeah, you try finding a hotel

on the budget.

Maria...

Dear Maria,

you are my only friend in Greece.

And you bite the big one.

After this tour,

I quit.

Love, Georgia.

Breakfast is on negative one,

down one floor.

Oh, cool.

Would you please mail this for me?

Certified.

-I am on my coffee break.

-Of course. Look, I have to go.

-11 euros.

-What? That's like $20.

You know, there are other ways to pay.

Does that ever work?

How many women have

actually slept with you for postage?

I'll just pay.

So we have here a beautiful church.

It's very Greek.

But you have ice creams, so we skip. Yes?

-Yeah.

-Okay, souvenirs, yes?

-Yeah!

-You like the vacation so far?

...rocks cut in the Byzantine era.

There are references to this church

in a very old document

called the Praktikon of Athens.

Take a glance and look around

at some of the murals.

The oldest parts of St. Marina's date back

to the 11th to 12th century B.C.

Anybody else want a pamphlet?

Anybody? Want a pamphlet?

Yes. Of course not.

Kimmy, do you see what I see?

That would be a great place for snacks

in the rec room.

-Do you think it's for sale?

-Everything's got its price.

Let's go find that preacher.

I think they call him a rabbi here.

We have to have photographs

so people will believe we were here.

Who won't believe we were here?

Well, Donald and Peggy for a start. What?

Why don't you all get in there?

Oh, that's very good of you.

Thank you very much.

You're welcome.

He's going to take

our photograph.

Okay, here we go.

Sorry, how high are you going?

I'm going to keep counting

until the kid cracks a smile.

Forgot where I left off. Gotta start again.

Just take the picture, you idiot.

There you go, kiddo.

Oh, my God!

Georgia!

Hey, Poupi, if anybody's looking...

When did you shave?

-Never mind. I'm not here, okay? I'm just...

-Georgia. Georgia.

I cannot put up with that twit any longer.

-Why not? I have to.

-Now you're being rude.

Yes, fine, I'm rude and boring

and not funny. Yes, I know!

If you keep that tone with me,

I shall be forced to call your superiors.

Okay, you know what?

If you have a grievance, use these.

-Your evaluation forms. Take one.

-Don't think I won't.

I usually hand these out

at the end of the trip.

But this will give you 4 more days

to complain about me.

Hey, hand them out to everybody.

What's Greek for "bipolar"?

Hey. Enough. Your jokes aren't funny.

You know, my wife and I have

taken tours for 20 years.

This one, gotta be the worst.

Here we go again. Yeah, yeah,

-I know, yeah, I stink, I wrecked Greece.

-It's the worst because my wife is not here.

-And it's just not the same.

-Well, you know what? If I were her,

I wouldn't be here with you, either.

I'm sure she's spending her vacation

somewhere...

I'm so sorry.

You know what?

I think we should just go shopping.

-Lovely. Just what we wanted, wasn't it?

-Okay.

-Nice bit of shopping.

-I can finish this later.

-I know a good place for shopping.

-Fine.

Look at this stuff.

No, no, no.

Peekaboo!

Do you like the gold?

I love that.

She doesn't have any arms so she makes

up for it by showing her breasts, honey.

Really?

Eat hearty, men.

-For tonight we dine in Greece!

-In Greece!

-What was his name?

-Who?

When it's over,

some women cut their hair.

Some women run away to Greece. So...

I did not move to Greece

because of some man.

-Why? Who'd you shave for?

-Georgia!

Georgia, come here,

come here, come here!

I don't think I like

what's going on around here.

Georgia! We need you. Just, real...

We need you!

-Okay.

-What did you call my wife?

What's going on? What's going on?

Look, this guy here is charging everybody

else one price for the dingle nut

and he's charging me and my wife

It's just cultural interaction.

He offers you a price and then

he expects you to offer him a price back.

You know, it's just... It's called bargaining.

-It's called "rip-off."

-Thank you very much.

-What did he just call me?

-No, no, no. He wants me to translate.

You fat tourists.

My tourist friends.

I could give you idiots

authentic Greek items made

by my grandmother.

He could give you handmade authentic

items made by his grandmother.

But you dummies

want this cheap crap.

You have good taste.

This junk is made in Korea.

Things are made in Corinth.

By prisoners.

By friends.

For you, I'll double the price.

I can make you a good price.

Yeah, that's what we want

right there, fellow.

And to your guide, a kickback.

What?

Kick back and enjoy your stay.

-Okay?

-Okay.

How much do you want for it?

-Is that good?

-Yeah, now that sounds more reasonable.

-Okay.

-Okay.

Okay. Okay.

-Nobody touches Big Al's hottie.

-Thank you.

-Dirty greaseball.

-Bye.

How much are these?

Oh, good heavens. They're far too

expensive. Can't possibly afford that.

Oh, yeah, we're getting checked out, dude.

-Really?

-Yeah, the Spanish divorcees.

It's only a matter of time before

they start coming around. Hello.

-Dude, behind you.

-What?

They're checking out

the community shower thing.

It's like 4th of July

at Elton John's house.

Okay. They want a show?

Let's show the Spaniards

a little American showmanship.

It doesn't count

if you're on vacation, right?

What is it with tourists and ice cream?

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