My Life In Ruins Page #4

They had some this morning,

then again after lunch,

and now again with the $4 cones.

I don't get it. You, too?

-No, thank you.

-This for you to give to him.

Okay, fine.

I sort of got you this.

Thanks, but no thanks.

That is tasty.

I'm sorry about this morning.

You know, I was a much nicer guy

when my wife was alive.

She died 3 years ago.

She used to say to me,

"They don't know you're kidding, Irv."

She would say, "You're not as funny

as you think you are," just like you.

It's nice you had a good marriage.

We fought every day.

I took her to Egypt. We fought all day

about whether the pyramids

were "majestic" or "magnificent."

It was magic.

I woke up every day smiling.

-I could live with that.

-You got the potential.

All you gotta do is let it happen.

You know, relax. Open up.

-I'm open.

-You're open? Look at you.

You're as tight as my Aunt Gladys' ass.

-Hey.

-Open up. Open.

-Be alert. Be like...

-Like this. Like this?

Okay. I'm open, yay!

Oh, no, no!

Come on, Irv, look what you made me do.

-Okay, that's a keeper.

-Okay. So here's what we do.

You get some kerosene.

You pour it on the stain.

-Yeah.

-Keep it there for about an hour.

And then you light that sucker on fire

and buy something nice.

And then you light that sucker on fire

and buy something nice.

All right. I have to gather the group.

-We're good?

-We're better.

Okay.

Group B! Group B, everybody.

Everybody. I hope everyone enjoyed their

ice cream. I ate some. I'm wearing some.

Let's get on the bus and sweat it off.

Has anybody seen Dorcas? Anybody?

All right. We'll wait for her.

I'd like to apologize for

my unprofessional attitude this morning.

Have you ever had one of those days?

Actually, it's been about a year.

-Yes, Irv.

-Me, too.

I would like to apologize to everybody.

It was my medication.

I take Preparation H, 'cause I'm an a**hole.

Wait for me. Thank you, Georgie.

I'm the last one. Okay, Poupi, let's go.

I'm spent!

I got these for you, girls.

-It's too much.

-No. They cost nothing.

Drive, Poupi, drive!

Hey! Who's seen the Olympics on TV?

Well, we're going to Olympia,

the site of the very first Olympics.

The ancient games began in 776 B.C.

Now, all through the era of the Pisatans...

Flapjack, you want to race me

Michael Johnson style?

...the Olympic games took place

every 5 years.

Here's something interesting.

Until they were abolished

from 393 until 426 A.D.

And then in 1896...

Well, that's about the year

I started to stink.

I know every fact and every figure

about this place.

I mean, I love it here.

And they just want to have fun.

And I get it,

but I don't know how to make this job fun.

Well, if you call it a job, it ain't fun.

I mean, look at porn stars. They get to

schtup all day. They should be happy.

You never hear about a happy porn star.

I had the best job in the whole world.

You were a porn star?

-No, really, were you?

-I was an ice-cream taster.

-Get out.

-35 years.

-I wish I had that job.

-That's what my friends used to say.

But then Elinor got sick.

I had to take care of her and...

She always wanted to come to Greece.

Hey. Yesterday, I quit. This is my last tour.

Well, it's my last tour, too.

Georgie! How did these columns fall over?

Well, there were 2 earthquakes

in the 5th and 6th century...

The columns fell over from the incredible

pull of Ulysses' love.

Isn't that sweet?

-Better.

-Better?

Looks like a short stack fell over.

Come on, Barnaby.

Hey, does everybody know

about the Olympic torch?

This way. Come on, this way.

Okay. That flame that you saw

being passed around the world

is first lit by a reflection from the sun.

All right, now, this is the palestra.

This is where the athletes would wrestle.

What?

Do you need anything?

Medicine or anything at all?

Doing okay? Hey!

-You really are listening to nothing.

-The battery died.

We forgot the charger.

This trip sucks.

Caitlin?

It's okay. And I understand.

-What is it you understand?

-Oh, well...

-The genetic thing.

-What thing?

Sorry, your husband told me

about the thing

that makes your daughter prickly.

Hansdorf syndrome.

Hansdorf is my maiden name.

That's a coincidence.

Stuart.

How dare you insult me

in front of that woman?

It was a joke, dear. Good heavens!

-How could you possibly say...

-Why don't you just lighten up?

Beautiful ladies,

don't forget to smash the plates.

-Yeah?

-Very Greek.

Everybody. Everybody.

The newspaper says

it's gonna rain tomorrow.

And the good part is?

If we all think good thoughts,

maybe we'll get some nice weather.

Are you listening, God?

You don't have to shout,

I'm sitting right here.

Blue skies shining on me

No!

-Here you go.

-Come on!

No, no, no!

I'm ever so sorry,

but that Nico said it was a Greek tradition.

-It's okay.

-Okay.

Kimmy, stop doing the dishes

and get over here.

Sue, bung your Khy Pass over here,

have a crack at the foosball.

-10 euros.

-Don't worry. Leave it to me.

I say, that was ever such fun.

We did enjoy it. You are wonderful.

Hello. Hello, lovely lady. Thank you.

Silly twit.

Dorcas, here's the deal.

You gotta stop with the stealing.

-I'm sorry.

-Okay. Okay.

Okay. You're a lovely woman.

I really don't mean to judge in any way.

It's just that people are going to

start to notice...

That's my cell phone.

And somehow, you got it out of here.

I just want to ask... Wow! You're good.

Actually, it was only 10.

Well, waste not, want not, is what I say.

All right.

Nothing but blue skies

from now on

I wish I could be happy like you.

God, you've gotta get more sex.

-Irv...

-I'm sorry, but what is it with you?

Don't you have a boyfriend?

I'm on a tour bus, like,

Well, you gotta get in touch

with your wild thing.

I think we can get in here

and just touch on everything...

Actually, there's someone

I'm kind of interested in.

At the bar.

-Yes.

-Really?

Go for it.

Just make sure it's zoned for a parking lot.

I like daisies.

I'll call you back.

So do I.

So you work at an IHOP?

So you work at an IHOP?

Yeah, well, I mean, that makes it sound

like I'm a waiter, you know.

I'm the number one

corporate representative for IHOP.

I sold 100 franchises last year.

We're expanding Ohio,

if you're looking for an investment.

How do we say, "Cheers"?

We say, "ya mas, to our health."

So what do you do for fun?

For fun?

Syrup.

I collect vintage syrups.

Yeah. Some people are

into art or wines, you know.

I'm into vintage syrups.

Not too old. When you say "vintage,"

you think, "Oh, my God,

the guy's drinking syrup from 1912."

No. The oldest I have is 1948.

So it's post-war, but it's still really special.

I mean, it's still edible. You can pote it.

It's potent, potable? Potable?

I never watch Jeopardy!

Anyway, so the thing that

I like about syrup is it's sweet,

no matter how bad your day is.

...a German waffle,

but there's also a French crepe.

I mean, we had to have

a whole meeting in Iowa,

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes