My Life In Ruins Page #5

because the waitresses

were calling them "craps."

And no one wants to eat crap

so much anymore.

Sometimes in Mississippi.

But usually you find that

people don't want to have

a food that's not appetizingly named,

you know.

That's why I love any kind

of an international flair.

Swedish crepes. It just automatically

sounds better. It's exotic.

My favorite, though, natural.

Pecans, coconut, which is so, so good.

It's very, very fattening, and... Not that

I have anything against fat people.

Fat people are our biggest demographic.

I bought 2 houses in Florida

off of fat people. God bless them.

-Good morning.

-Good morning. Hi. Good morning.

Georgia. Did I see you on a date last night?

-How was it?

-Well, I now know the history of syrup.

Hey, that was fun last night.

-Maple trees rock.

-Yeah, they do.

Please, to the left here,

thank you very much.

I see you enjoy Greece, eh?

-Yeah.

-Yeah? For you.

Thanks!

Hey, listen, I can't buy for everybody, so...

-Yeah. What does it say?

-"I love Greece."

I do, bro! Awesome! Thank you, man!

-Let me help you.

-Pardon?

I'm just helping you.

-Louder, please.

-I'm just helping you.

-No! I can manage. Really.

-Okay.

-Thank you.

-All right.

Your group. Losers.

"What? What?"

"So hot. So hot."

"How much is this? How much is that?"

Hello, everybody.

Hey!

Don't diss my group. They're nice people.

It's so cold in here.

That's everyone. Except the Americans.

Al, just think. This course

could be thousands of years old.

Well, I wonder if Jesus ever played here.

Big Al. Kim.

You know how you like to get up

in front of everybody and bore us?

Please go on.

I have a very exciting idea.

Why don't you try entertaining everybody?

Irv, how am I gonna do that?

History has got a lot of dirty stories.

Sex sells.

Well, it turned out to be

a beautiful day.

Thanks for the nice weather, Irv.

Good on you, Irv.

I thought you were joking last night.

You got some power, fellow.

Irv, do you think you could bless Barnaby?

Maybe he'd move a bit faster.

I bless you in the name of Socrates,

Hippocrates and feta cheese.

Hallelujah.

This is appropriate,

because we're headed to Delphi,

which is the most mystical spot

in all of Greece.

In ancient times, the oracle of Delphi

would answer questions

for kings and commoners, like,

"Who should I vote for?"

Or other stuff.

Like, "Shall I take a lover?"

-Hey, look out.

-Hello.

That's what we're talking about.

-Now, the oracle was a virgin.

-Here we go.

And she was dressed in flowing gowns

of sheer silk.

Some say she wore nothing at all.

Hey, I like that.

Oh, my.

And then she would inhale

the sacred vapors.

-Louder, please.

-And she would go into raptures.

-Louder.

-She would say, "Oh, Zeus, take my body.

"Oh, Zeus, fill me with your wisdom.

"Oh, Zeus, my body is your vessel.

"Take me! Take me! Take me! "

Poupi!

-Caitlin, are you all right?

-I dropped my phone.

-Everybody all right?

-Yeah.

Alive! Alive! Please, alive, everybody.

Okay. Okay.

Everybody, let's get off the bus, okay?

Everybody.

Okay, it's gonna be

about 20 more minutes.

Irv, Olga, Svetlana? You okay?

You're alive.

-Is everybody okay?

-Everybody's fine.

Everybody's fine,

and we got a good story out of it.

You know, this whole thing happened

'cause he was staring at you, Angie.

-Who?

-Poupi. Up there.

Creepy driver, checking out the goats.

Angie, everyone on the bus

has a different word for it.

I call it "mysterious."

Personally, I think he shaved his neck

just for you.

-What?

-He's a nice guy, go talk to him.

Yeah, he's quiet, but he's nice.

Fine. Yeah, sometimes he's nice,

but mostly he just makes me mad.

Hot, not mad.

It's been so long, you forgot the difference.

-Okay. Smile, he feels terrible.

-Come on.

He's the one not wearing the bell.

-Work it.

-Kimmy.

Sorry about your bus.

You distracted me.

I could have killed you. All of us.

-I was just trying to have fun.

-Oh, well...

That's good, I guess.

The first day,

you asked me if I wonder

what I'm doing with my life. Right?

-Yeah.

-Maybe I can explain.

What do you call that guy?

He goes in front of people

and waves his dick around.

We called him Uncle Phil.

What? No. No.

He's in front of the people

who play the music.

Stick! That's a conductor.

Right. Right. A conductor. He comes out.

-He waves his stick.

-His stick.

And people get to hear

the most beautiful sounds in the world.

He hears the music up close.

He feels it in his bones.

And that's what my job is like. I sit there.

I turn the wheel this way. Turn that way.

And before me comes this great vision.

Always beautiful.

The scenery

is frozen.

Frozen music.

And you know what I like?

You got the best seat in the house.

Yes.

Thank you.

I like your passion for our history.

But you are too busy looking up.

Look here.

I know, I'm touching your chests.

Good.

What happened with the pancake man

last night?

Nothing.

Good.

Yeah!

You can do it. Come on.

Take deep breaths of

the healing powers of Delphi.

Better than my workout at Curves.

-Trick or treat?

-It's quite good, actually.

-Come on.

-Georgia,

it's beautiful, but, come on,

so is an escalator.

This is a very spiritual place.

You can actually feel the energy

coming from the ground.

Do you feel it? This is the temple of Apollo

and the sanctuary of the oracle.

Come on, Barnaby.

Now, the Pythia, or the oracle,

was hidden from everyone

except for the high priest.

And she would crouch behind him,

she was hidden,

and she would answer questions.

Like, she would go,

"The oracle is in. Any questions?"

Wasn't she a virgin?

-How's that?

-Yeah.

Then maybe you better do it.

Yeah, go on Irv. You go in there.

You can't spell virgin without I-R-V.

All right, the oracle is open.

-Anybody got a question?

-Yes.

Are my legs good enough for a miniskirt?

Hubba-hubba.

I've got a serious question.

Am I ever gonna get

cell reception up here?

Turn the damn phone off.

This is a vacation.

-I know that. All right.

-Guys.

She's got one. Yeah.

Why did my husband cheat on me?

It wasn't you he cheated.

Some men cheat themselves

out of living a life with a woman they love.

Thank you.

Okay.

I've always wanted to start a family, but...

Well, Big Al is

just gonna come out and say it.

I'm scared.

Being a parent is the best thing

in the world.

And I guarantee you,

you're gonna be a great dad.

-See?

-Thanks, Irv.

Irvacle. What is it? Orvacle.

Well, go on, Caitlin, ask a question.

-Go on. Go on.

-No.

Will my daughter ever stop sulking?

Will my parents ever stop fighting?

Parents sometimes forget

that they're an example.

Thank you.

Look, basically,

I gotta take a Johnny Riddle.

Siph the pyth.

-Where's the gents'?

-Yeah.

-The men's room.

-Yeah. God.

It's right up there. Oracle closed.

Yay! Good job.

I got a bar. I got a bar! I lost it.

Hi, Oracle.

I can't start something when

I'm about to leave this country. Right?

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