My Man Is a Loser

This, my friends, is New York City,

the most populous city

in the United States.

8.2 million people,

4. 72 million of which are married.

One of which is not me. Why?

Because it's New York City and I own a bar,

which is sort of like being, you know,

my own episode of The Bachelor.

Now there is my brother- in- law Paul.

That look on his face is called

"Married, lost and how did I get here?"

Sorry. Hell-

And that guy right there,

that handsome kid, that's me, Mike.

Why do my friends come to me for advice?

Because when you're this single,

trust me, you've seen it all.

I'll get a hotel.

What? No, come in. This is Amy.

Laura.

I gotta crash for the night.

For sure. Come on.

- You okay?

- I don't know.

I hate to say it,

but the second

some men put on a wedding ring,

it cuts off all circulation to the brain.

It's like... He pretends to listen,

but then I could literally quiz him

about what I just said

and he would have no idea.

Well, I'm not good at taking tests, okay,

that's a real thing. You can google it.

I don't have to, Paul.

Well, you should, because it's real.

There are three paths

to a healthy relationship.

There's the path she's on,

which you need to respect,

and then there's you, yourself...

Okay, well, here's the problem.

I don't know what my path is. Okay?

I lost sight of what my path was or is

or where it was going.

- I've been path- f***ed.

- Wow! See?

Okay, this is what I'm talking about.

- Who says that?

- I do.

There are these things

that should stay inside your head,

but instead they keep coming out

into the outside world.

Oh, my God, well, we're in therapy

so I figured, you know, call me crazy,

I could speak my mind,

but I guess I can't. I should be censored.

Do you have a gag for me? Okay?

You wanna hear

what really goes on with me?

You wanna know my inside voice?

If I may? If I'm allowed to?

My business is down 25%, okay?

I know, it's not your

problem, I understand.

It doesn't stop her spending like wildfire,

which I'd like to get to in a second.

But here's the bottom line.

I sent my daughter to private school.

I'll pay for that, I get it.

Education is important.

But now I have to pay for singing lessons,

piano and dance!

And you know why?

Because apparently

my daughter is going to be the next Idol,

- or Voice or Duets at $1,600 a month!

- We should nurture her gift.

- Nurture? We're not the Jackson 5!

- It is rare...

Okay, time out, time out! Time out.

Take a breath.

You, too, Paul.

Good. I hear your financial concerns, Paul,

I really do.

And I hear you wanting to be heard.

I think you're making great progress,

so we'll just take up where we left off

next week at this time.

Okay, well, just give me 30 more seconds,

because I want to finish the point

I started with in the beginning.

I'm sorry.

It doesn't work that way.

See the secretary on the way out,

and just stay positive all week,

and really... I'm really pleased.

Okay. Well, that's good news.

All that laughing and all that stuff.

I could have gotten to the fifth path.

Well, fortunately for you,

there's only three paths.

Just three. Three.

There's hers. Yours.

And yours and hers, together.

Now, Paul's not the only one

who needs help.

Meet Marty,

Paul's business partner and my good friend.

Did you make sure

Alex got his chips in the bag?

He's the CEO of a large marketing company.

A big- shot in the business world,

but at home,

he's just another schmuck making PB&J.

He's all chipped up. What are you doing?

- And his Fruit Roll- Up?

- All rolled up.

We got all the food groups.

I got the fruit group, the bread group

and the peanut butter group. He's all set.

Marty, my family wanted

to have dinner with us later.

So if you could make that happen,

that'd be great.

No, well, I got a hockey game, sweets.

So now hockey's more important than

dinner with my family?

No, I didn't say that,

it's just that the team needs me.

I wish they didn't, but they do.

I mean, the squad can't win without me.

Yeah. Okay. Well.

Maybe after the scouts see you

then you'll have some free time.

Yeah, well, you know

there was a time when I thought

the pro scouts would be calling.

And there was a time that

I thought I'd be 5'9".

Don't think I didn't notice

you skipping out on the jelly

on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Taking lazy to a whole new level.

No, no. It's just that

Alex's taste buds are changing,

he doesn't love jelly

as much as he used to.

Yeah, he told

you that?

- Who?

- Excuse me?

Fine, but it happens to boys.

You know, it happened to me.

I went through a heavy gefilte fish phase.

I used to hate it, now I love it.

Marty, jelly. Please.

I wrote a song. Do you want to hear it?

- Now?

- Yeah.

It's about getting roofied

and waking up not that upset.

I know it's a weird topic, but...

You can't write a great song without pain.

Well, that's not necessarily true.

I mean,

Madonna came from an upper- class family,

McCartney had a very good relationship

with his father,

and Alice Cooper, nice Jewish boy,

likes to play golf.

- Golf is a...

- Shut up. Just listen, okay?

Sleeping through sex

Wasn't as bad as I thought

He took me like a criminal

And I was caught

I'm asleep yet happy

Unconscious, not sad

Life can be happy

Don't have to be sad

So somebody call the cops

Or not

Very melodic. I like the

words, the rhyme...

Prostitution is a viable option

As I ponder my thoughts

Go deep into my psyche

Do I really like me?

F*** the world as it stands today!

You have a gift. You have a gift.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

Do you think you can get me a record deal?

Record deal?

Who does she think she's f***ing? CeeLo?

- It's f***ing hockey, not hopscotch, buddy!

- Wheel! Wheel!

Man, your sister's killing me.

She thinks I don't care.

She's got no idea

how much is on my mind right now.

See, you guys have like a combo platter

going right now.

You both care, but, you know, not enough.

You gotta up the care.

Give her a little attention.

It's that simple.

Yeah, up the care? What do you know?

You haven't been in a relationship

in over three years.

Yeah. That's what makes me an expert.

While you were getting married to

my sister, losing half your manhood,

I've been in trenches

dating women of every culture.

Banging here and there.

- Can't believe you never got an STD.

- STD.

Listen, when you f*** Guatemalan twins

in 10- degree weather without a shirt,

a cold doesn't stand a chance.

- My immune system's on steroids.

- Did you really do that?

Yeah. I showed you the pictures.

- This guy doesn't hustle! Hustle, please!

- What have you got?

Hey listen to this, Lianne tried to get me

to a parent's dinner the other night.

I felt bad, but I just couldn't stomach it.

Marty, it's getting

embarrassing for all of us.

Grow a f***ing

backbone!

You know what,

you give in to a parents dinner,

next thing you know

she's resting a drink on your head

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