My Man Is a Loser Page #2

and you're giving her a foot rub.

She's going to need a foot rub with

all the working out she's doing.

She's like the Jewish Flojo.

You know what it is with you?

You lost your...

You were a cool kid, you know that?

It's your f***ing walk. That's what it is.

- What's wrong with my walk?

- It's like you're falling all the time.

- So, sometimes I feel like I'm falling.

- Yeah.

You know what I do?

I put a song in my head like...

Like The Stones, Sympathy for The Devil.

Or if I'm trying to appeal

to a kind of a cooler crowd,

Jay- Z, 99 Problems.

Okay, yeah. I like Jigga Man.

- Yeah.

- All right.

- Get out there and score.

- All right.

- Go.

- So I take this girl on a date,

and the first thing out of her mouth is,

what are my intentions?

- What the...

- End it.

- But it just started.

- End it!

If it starts that fast,

it's gonna end that fast.

And you be the one to do it.

I don't need a broken- hearted center.

- Peter, get the f*** out there. Go.

- Come on! Let's go, blues!

What've you got for us?

Nobody's happy.

Life is an illusion,

and part of life is to be unhappy.

- It's all a struggle.

- What the...

I'm telling you, it's all

about fighting gravity.

Hey, Marty, it is what it is.

No, you can say it is what it is,

but it's just not!

Not with me.

I'm confused. I'm overwhelmed.

I'm overburdened. I'm slightly overweight.

Like now, but I just don't know...

Hey boys. How are you?

- Hey.

- We're losers.

Tough loss today?

No, our wives think we're losers.

Our team likes us.

Guys, don't beat yourselves up.

You must be doing something right.

And to be honest, you both married up.

- What does that mean?

- Is that good?

No, it's not good.

It means your wives are better than you.

Clarissa, can you see

all those patrons staring into space

wishing they had alcohol?

Fine, boss, but actually I

just came here to let you know

the building landlord called and you should

call him as soon as possible.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

- Bye, guys.

- Later.

Bye.

She's so hot!

She's so beautiful, she's so sexy,

she makes my stomach sick.

I mean, she throws me off balance

just looking at her.

It confuses me.

- In my head, I just slept with her twice.

- Me, too.

What was she wearing in your fantasy?

Coconut oil and a smile.

That's cool. We were married in mine.

And we had a little dog, like a poodle.

Guys, stop it. She's my bartender.

I don't care who she is,

I'll fight you for her right now, okay?

I just want to swoop her up on a horse

and ride off into the sunset.

And just have a bunch of babies,

caramel- colored babies that scurry around.

The kind of kids that look like

Halle Berry f***ed a bar of gold.

What does that... I don't even know...

What does that mean?

- A what?

- I don't know. Who cares?

I'm sorry, were you talking about me?

- Yes, no.

- Paul, I love gold bars.

He f***ed her in the Goldbar!

You were right, Mike.

Vanessa, I told you.

Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Well, you're the best. Seriously.

Thank you.

You're my hero.

- "My hero"?

- What are you, a fireman?

"My hero"? Unbelievable!

I can't get the one woman I love

to love me back,

and this guy's

the goddamn Pied Piper of p*ssy.

- It's incredible.

- It's a blessing and a curse.

You're like a real cocksmith! No,

f*** you with the blessing and the curse.

F*** your hair. F*** your blue eyes.

And f*** your f***ing jawline.

Guys, I'm just as God made me.

- Yeah, well...

- Punch him in the face for that.

Yeah, I'm gonna f***ing twist your nose up

and f*** your whole program up.

What's this? I asked for a dog!

Now, see, Married Saturday is the

complete opposite of Single Saturday.

Mine comes with a 26 year

old stripper turned folk singer,

and theirs comes with kids, neighbors

and the pressure to make small talk.

I asked for a lightning bolt!

Why don't you go cry to your mama?

F*** you. I don't have one.

- Hey.

- Hi.

It's going good, Sweets.

- It's good, isn't it? You forgot something!

- Yeah.

- What?

- Film the party.

- Okay. I will film it.

- He's gonna film it.

- I will do that.

- I'll supervise.

- Okay, Paul.

- There it is. Two- fisted, baby.

Getting something for your wife.

- Good stuff. Oh, look!

- Okay.

My wife, Liz, is giving me

the international sign to mingle.

- So we better mingle. Okay. There it is.

- Yeah. Yep.

All right, this is what 40 looks like,

ladies and gentlemen.

Face paint. Liquor out of a plastic cup

and couples therapy.

Yeah, and grown men making sandwiches

while their wives work out.

I'm telling you,

Lianne only works out that much

so when I die she looks good single.

She's getting into funeral shape.

Let me explain something to you, my friend,

and listen to me.

We sell this company,

and you can buy yourself your own gym

and you can hire Lianne as

your personal trainer.

I hope. I hope.

Oh, my goodness, look at Danny.

All right, everybody take note.

I'm going to break open the neck area,

get things rolling around here.

Jesus, he's not in a good way.

The divorce has pushed him over the edge.

Look at this guy!

Hey, Marty, Paul, get over here.

Help me out.

- All right, Danny.

- Okay.

He's got a piata?

Come on, each of you grab an end.

Let's go. Let's go.

Maybe let's let the kids

start off with the first hit.

- What do you think?

- Yeah.

Why don't you go back to

making sandwiches, Marty?

- Everybody knows.

- Knows what?

I don't mind making sandwiches.

Yeah, and I don't mind listening to

Barry Manilow and blowing dudes.

Dude, just watch your language,

please, with the kids.

- F*** that!

- Jesus.

Man up! Both of you!

Sh*t, man, I like Barry Manilow.

He's cool,

and he's got the best hair in the business.

You sure you don't want to

let the kids take a crack?

- You're going to obliterate this thing?

- Yeah. I'm pretty sure.

Now listen up, my ex- wife made this thing.

She's half Mexican.

This little donkey is made of concrete.

These little drunk midgets

couldn't knock the balls off this thing.

So here we go. Raise it up!

- All right.

- All right.

Where are you going to hit?

- Would you just... Just stop talking, man!

- All right, okay.

Cover your eyes, kids.

Go, Danny, please. Be careful.

Come on! Do it!

Man, I can't do it.

- What?

- The thing is staring at me, man.

- What?

- Look at this thing.

It's some kind of...

These beautiful little eyes and its tail.

She put so much detail into it, you know?

All right, you gotta get

a soda or something.

Take the bat, Marty. Give the bat to Marty.

Give me the bat, Danny.

- There you go. - Come on, kids!

It is time for a talent show!

- Let's go inside for the talent show.

- Talent show!

Who wants to sing?

Alex, I bet you have a song!

How bout this one? My dad loves it.

I told this b*tch I was one...

Talent show! This way. Come on, kids!

Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

Okay. Australians lawyer.

Hold my drink. Say a prayer.

- Be good. Be good.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes