My Man Is a Loser Page #3

- Hello?

Yes. How are you?

That sounds great. That's great news.

We will not be late.

Okay. Same to you.

Friday. Yes, sir. Bye.

- Meeting?

- "Meeting"?

Well, don't get too

excited, but guess what?

The Australians took a good hard look

at our numbers,

they want to meet with us on Friday.

Are you free then?

Yes, I'm free. I'm really free.

Good, good, good, good.

- Don't get excited. Just stay calm.

- Okay.

Marty!

Getting some good footage?

Yes. Yes. I'm videotaping everything.

Good news for Marty Martin and Paul Gold,

digital marketing pioneers

and co- founders of Goldbam.

Rumor has it

Australian ad tech giant Ignition One

is looking to purchase Goldbam

for an undisclosed sum.

You may remember Goldbam as

the brains behind the marketing campaigns

for both AmeriMerchant and Netmining,

two companies that became industry

behemoths after Goldbam got involved.

Martin and Gold, real power players.

- Look at my girls! Good morning!

- Perfect. Hello.

Don't bother waiting up.

I got a meeting with the Australians

and I got drinks with the boys.

Tonight is parent- teacher

conferences, Paul. Remember?

- Tonight?

- Tonight.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

Yeah. "Parent."

"Parents," I think that's too overwhelming.

I think the two of us as a team

put out too much power

and change the whole situation in the room.

Besides, I happen to know for a fact that

my daughter is dominating the third grade.

- Fourth grade.

- She's in fourth grade.

- Fourth grade.

- Yeah. I know.

But you know,

I like to keep her younger in my head

because she will always be my baby.

And I love you. Bye.

Next week, piano recital.

Please don't forget.

Piano. Yeah, duh. Practice.

Hey-

Wow, girls must love coming here.

They get laid and a free shirt.

- She's got something.

- Yeah, your wardrobe.

Funny.

Here are the keys.

Did you get the beverage numbers?

- Yeah, you're all good.

- Good.

20- somethings leaving your place

with your clothes during the day?

You need a girlfriend.

- A girlfriend's the last thing I need.

- If you say so.

Okay, now, less is more, right?

Less is more.

- Don't be frenetic, don't over- explain.

- Okay.

Stay focused.

They know exactly what we're about.

- We got this.

- I feel good. Are you sure?

Are you positive? Cause

these Australians are a different breed.

They're into a different

kind of animal here.

Hey, I don't care what they're into.

- You trust me on this, all right?

- Okay.

What is Parchment doing here?

Why are they here?

I mean, the Australians can't be buying out

two companies. What are they doing here?

I don't know. It doesn't matter.

- Let's go do this. We're better than them.

- Okay.

- Okay. I'm ready.

- Button your jacket. Button your jacket.

We're more prepared, and we're better.

What time is it? It's game time!

Parchment showing up, kiss my ass.

I don't think

they have the capacity to improve.

They've maxed it out.

I swear, I look at Paul,

and sometimes

I love him like the day we were married

and other times

I have the exact opposite thought.

- I know.

- What can you do?

Lower your expectations,

more daytime drinking.

Mid- week masturbation,

do it on a Wednesday.

- It takes you through to Friday.

- Really?

I hit Paul with AmEx sex the other night.

AmEx sex? What is that?

Is that where you hang off the bed

and blood rushes to your head

and he chokes you a little bit,

- and right before you pass out...

- No!

- It isn't?

- When the AmEx bill comes, I hide it.

Blow him till his eyes

roll back in his head.

The next day he's so happy,

he doesn't even bring up the charges.

Does that make me a bad person?

No. That makes you a goddamn magician.

See, loud music and women are

a married man's kryptonite.

They just, they don't have the

skill set to deal with it.

Married men in a club

are like six- year- olds in a toy store,

and they can't focus,

they just want to touch everything.

All right guys, hey... I love you guys.

- I love that.

- Here it is, huh?

Hey ladies, do you want to join us

for some good, clean fun?

What do you mean, ''clean fun"?

Who are you, Mister Rogers?

Girls don't want clean fun.

Half these girls in this place

are going to walk home barefoot tonight.

They want it dirty.

They like it edgy. Not clean.

okay...

Hey, listen, I gotta go talk to this DJ.

I can't stand this music.

It's making me loopy, you know.

- I'm gonna go talk to this guy.

- You're loopy!

Hey, you know what's awesome, man?

Just... Hey!

Yeah, there it is. All

right, do your thing.

Do your thing.

- What's up, bro?

- Hey, what's going on, dude- bro?

Listen, I don't get this techno- trance,

glow stick sh*t, man.

I don't like this music, man.

I'm a techno DJ, bro, it's what I do.

You got some old school hip hop?

You know,

maybe play some De La Soul, Run DMC,

maybe some Special Ed?

What do you think?

Who?

Hey, you should be ashamed of yourself,

you ain't no DJ, man!

I used to DJ bar mitzvahs in Long Island.

Old vinyl. Made a lot of money, man.

Come on, play some hip hop.

Bro, I've been doing this for 16 months!

I take shits longer than that.

Come on, this is... This

is sh*t music, man.

You know what I'm saying?

Can I get some of this?

That's my...

Yeah! This music

makes me f***ing nuts, man.

It'll make you jump off a building

and think you like it,

you know what I'm saying?

Come on, man.

Play some better music, man!

Everybody's freaking out here, man.

- Listen, I'm gonna finish this

off, okay, bro? - That's mine.

Nah, let me finish it, man.

It makes me feel good.

I'll see you later, man.

High five! High five!

Fist bump!

Hey, listen, if they don't kill this noise,

I want to go home.

You better be careful with that stuff, man.

- You're gonna be f***ed for ten hours.

- No, it says seven.

I don't care if it says one.

You have a married system.

You're weak and sensitive.

Come on, man, let's go see some tits.

You can't drop me in a club

and think I'm going to be okay.

I don't think that's a good idea.

I wanna go home.

I feel like I might catch Hep C in here.

- Let's get out of here, all right?

- Let's go. Let's go.

- Let's go.

- Go ahead. Go ahead.

You know, something crazy happens

in a cab in New York late at night.

I mean, your intentions are to go here,

but sometimes

you always end up going there.

- Look at this!

- Be cool, be cool.

- This is awesome!

- This is what I need!

How are you? How you doing?

- Marty Martin.

- All right, easy.

Wow, look at her... She's great.

Look at that.

That's like... Is that bionic?

That's like some Black Swan sh*t.

- She must be classically trained!

- So beautiful.

- Hi.

- Amber, hey.

Who are these handsome men

you brought with you?

- This is Marty and Paul.

- How you doing?

Get a picture...

Give her your camera. Give her your phone.

- Sure.

- Get a picture of us.

Come on, guys,

I never get you out of the house.

Let's get a nice picture.

Is that the f***ing Parchment guys?

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