My Man Is a Loser Page #4

- Guys, smile for the camera.

- Yeah, it is the Parchment guys.

- With the Australians?

- Guys, smile!

No, those are the f***ing guys

we just had the presentation with!

Yeah, it is.

- How you doing? Marty Martin.

- Did you get it?

- Here you go.

- All right, good.

I think I just put it

back to the main screen.

- No problem.

- I'm Paul.

No, I leave Marty to his online porn.

If you want to watch two midgets

f*** an Asian clown,

go ahead, be my guest.

Is that a real fetish?

- Honey, that's nothing.

- Oh, my God!

I swear to God, I'm going to blow

my landscaper and record the whole thing.

Look at this idiot,

he looks like a giant fish out of water.

It looks like they don't even know

where the camera is.

Some business meeting!

Okay, Marty, you know what?

I'm gonna go down there,

and I'm gonna let the crowd

bounce quarters off my ass!

No sh*t! I can only

imagine the jumbled nonsensical bullshit

that is coming out of that mouth right now.

Branding basically

got its name from cattle branding,

a lot of people don't know that.

There's a misconception that

there's only one kind of branding,

like name branding

or psychological branding...

What's with all the talking?

Do my b*obs feel real?

They... 100%.

I could brand the sh*t outta these.

These things should have

their own TV show! That's...

Order me a flank steak!

All right, now, tell me again,

when does your ex get paroled?

Yeah, make it rain! Look at that!

You see that? Look at that.

Was that $20? If that was $20

can I have that back, darling?

Can you give me that back?

Please, can I have that... F***!

Look at you guys. The boys from

Criminal Island are back again.

You know, I don't like you guys.

You guys come in here with

your tough- guy attitudes

and your beer bellies. F*** that sh*t!

What is wrong with you?

What are you talking about?

Calm down, mate.

F*** you, mate! Okay?

This isn't some rugby field with kangaroos

and broad- shouldered women.

This is the United States of America.

And for the record, rugby is not

tougher than American football.

Okay, you guys don't wear pads

because you don't need em!

You ever heard of Lawrence Taylor?

Mark Gastineau? Dick Butkus?

Mean Joe Greene will f*** you up!

I'll jump over you, okay?

I don't play that sh*t,

I'll give you a forearm shiver!

Is that coconut shrimp?

- Yeah.

- Hey! F*** ears!

- Hey!

- What is your problem here?

F*** you, hooker lover!

I'm trying to make...

Look at this beautiful lady,

and you're f***ing the whole sh*t up!

What is wrong with you?

Kiss my ass, easy rider!

And kiss my ass, too,

you fake Keanu Reeves!

Take that howdy- doodie f***ing hair

and get back over there with

the two Stooges!

- You f***- ass! Beat it!

- F*** you, mutton chops!

Whispers in the marketing world are saying

the sale of Goldbam to IgnitionOne

may be in jeopardy.

Reports from the grapevine suggest

Parchment Branding is now in talks

with IgnitionOne.

This is getting very interesting.

Who knows what could have provoked

the change of heart?

- What are you doing over there?

- Revenge shopping.

- What's your shoe size?

- Six and a half.

I just added a pair for you.

Lianne, meet six- inch,

burnt- persimmon pumps!

Remind me to send this guy

a case of Brut for Christmas.

Let me just adjust here, hold on.

Oh, put my... There we go.

I think you're being a

little hard on the guy.

A biker gang really

is just another form of family,

when you stop and think about it.

Look, it's jackass number one.

I cannot wait to hear this.

Please put him on speaker.

I think theater classes are

an amazing idea for you.

You see, you're so flexible,

and you're so strong, you can play like

a Latin female superhero or something.

And, you know, got a gravelly,

very unique quality to your voice,

like a soda in your voice,

you could do voice- overs easily!

That's so crazy you said that.

Theater classes? I didn't realize

I was f***ing Stanislavsky.

I wish Stanislavsky were still alive

so I could f*** him.

And Shakespeare. Tag- team them.

I bet they were good listeners.

To f***, or not to f***,

that's the real question.

That was epic. I gotta thank you.

- What's the damage?

- $1,500.

$1,500.

Every song I have to charge you.

Even if we're just talking.

I didn't break all the windows.

What do you mean, $1,500?

"$1,500"?

Good for her.

I am so in the wrong business.

I need to put this body to some real use.

Amen, forget curling up

on the couch reading,

I should get these legs

in the streets, earning.

You should.

You have some really good legs.

- You have good legs!

- Thank you.

Don't be so testy! I gave you my real name.

Well, I need an ATM.

You know, this one is on me tonight.

Nobody's ever nailed my relationship

the way you just did.

Well, girls love bad boys.

I mean, I went through my phase.

- You did? When?

- Seventh grade.

Send that picture back to them.

I said some crazy sh*t to the Aussies.

- Could this night get any worse!

- Sh*t!

- I said some crazy sh*t!

- Let's go.

What the f*** is this?

What... What is this?

What the f*** is this?

- How did they get that?

- This is gonna cost me a fortune.

Lianne's gonna f*** the landscaper.

You guys are gonna need my help.

I let my boys take a

picture in a strip club.

What the hell was I thinking?

All right, the reentry.

The most important part, all right?

And don't let her walk all over you.

Go in there and be a man.

Take care of your business, okay?

Go get her.

Balls!

Hi, Liz.

- Do you have something to say?

- I do.

Then say it.

Honey, I am way more popular

in the city than I am here.

Excuse me?

Honey, I love you very much,

but having hot girls

come up to my table at Sapphire

and telling me that

I'm the man is an amazing feeling.

And it's something

I don't get here at the house

but it is something I'd like more of.

Maybe even as much as once a month,

if that's negotiable with you.

Are you crazy?

You don't even know these people.

That may be true, but I had one girl

tell me that she really likes me

and then I had another girl tell me that

I have a dynamic personality.

Those were her words, not mine.

I had a really special night!

You had a special night?

Last night was a special night?

Paul, our wedding night

was a special night!

This blew it away, believe it or not.

Wow!

Wow! Paul, what is going on with you?

I don't know, but check it out,

do you know that I can dance?

- No.

- Neither did I.

I was like John Travolta in his heyday,

you should have seen it.

I'm doing that... I'm doing high kicks!

I didn't know

my hamstrings were that flexible.

Oh, my God, I completely forgot.

So, looking for a nanny, are you?

Guess what, found one!

- Paul...

- I know.

I met this fantastic cocktail waitress

at Sapphire,

her name is CCadillac with two "C's",

which I think is awesome.

- I will never forgive you.

- You should.

And I'll tell you why. Because I love you,

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