My Man Is a Loser Page #5

and I was just having good, clean fun.

- You love me?

- Yes.

You love me?

- Well love this!

- Okay...

Yeah, well, of course that didn't happen,

but 38% of the time

a wife will go easy on the husband

if his friend is there upon reentry.

The reentry, very important. Okay?

So just go in, be humble,

be loving, listen.

Technically I did nothing wrong...

You f***ed up a little bit, all right?

So be apologetic.

And you know what, I won't say a word.

Hey, Liz?

Liz?

I know there is be a really good reason

I had to look at that photo shoot

and the fact that you are coming home

when the sun is coming up.

And that conversation that I had to

listen to between you and the stripper?

Oh. my God!

Well, let me start by saying

the whole thing was my fault, sis.

This has nothing to do with you, Mike.

Please go.

But before I leave, may I just say this.

I have noticed a vast improvement in Paul

as a human being,

and the dancer, by the way,

she was a friend of my...

I will kill you.

Okay, I'll go. I love you. Goodbye.

- And on a closing note...

- Mike! Out!

- You're on your own.

- Okay. She was a friend.

You!

I can't believe that

I didn't f*** the concierge in Cabo.

We were on the trip together.

Why is that something you can't believe?

I could be four pool boys deep by now.

Is that a goal?

Is that something you really wanna do?

Because that kind of behavior

can work against you.

I can't get you to take

a picture with friends,

and then these hookers say "Cheese!"

and you jump.

I don't think they're actually hookers.

I think they're professional dancers

who are struggling for work.

You know,

there's a financial crisis going on.

People will do whatever they can

to get work these days.

Fine, Marty. Maybe I'll

give dancing a shot.

Wake up. Join the party.

It is not that difficult.

Hey, great face, by the way.

Were you having a heart attack

or an orgasm? I couldn't tell.

Can I at least have my jersey back?

You have three of my shirts!

You have my button- down,

you have my Henley...

No. You're not returning,

that's called stealing.

If you don't return... Hello?

Damn it!

All right, guys, let's get to this!

I feel responsible.

I got my sister breathing down my neck,

I got a bar to run, what have we got?

Guys, I heard all about what's going on.

We are gonna work this out.

You know, I have yet to meet anyone

who ignores customers more than this one.

We are all on the same team here.

If you need me, I'll be three feet away.

- Thank you.

- All right, give it to me.

- Give it to me. What have you got?

- It's not good. I don't feel good.

My panic attacks are coming back.

I'm starting to taste metal,

and I have a sebaceous cyst

growing in the back of my head.

And my wife is threatening

to f*** every pool boy we ever hired.

Lianne is not going to f*** the pool boy.

Have you seen my guy?

He basically said "F*** shirts."

He is a good- looking, muscular guy.

He looks like

one of those Telemundo soap stars.

I don't know why you hire guys like that.

- I'm not saying that...

- Guys, stop.

What are the top complaints

from your wives?

- You know...

- Top five or top 10?

- I don't even know where to start.

- Start with one.

What does she not like? What does she say?

- She says I smell like...

- Like me. She doesn't like me.

She says I smell like mushrooms sometimes.

All right, guys, I know I f***ed up,

but I'm gonna make this right. Okay?

I got the fix. You listening?

- Yeah.

- Here's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna take things

I've learned in my single life

and help you apply them

to your married life.

Yeah, but how long is something like this

gonna take?

I don't know, a week?

No, no, Lianne's gonna be married to

Jose Jr. by then.

She's gonna have a whole Mexican family

with little kids wearing sombreros,

doing the cha- cha- cha,

eating guacamole dip.

- Marty!

- What?

How are you going to take

what you learned in your single life

and have us apply it to our married life?

You have sex with beautiful strangers,

and we make waffles at 7:00 a.m.

Because everything I say,

everything I do when it comes to women

is about connection. You understand?

You, my boys, have lost your ability

to connect with your wives.

You're right, you know,

I can't even connect the cable!

I hate my life.

Well, you won't hate yourself

after I'm done with you

because I'm gonna bring back

everything you lost.

- What, like my manhood?

- No!

Like, like being spontaneous.

Remember how spontaneous

you guys used to be?

You'd do special things for your wife,

you'd show up at her work,

you'd give her little special calls,

you'd leave little notes.

- Shock and awe?

- Shock and awe!

- Surprise them?

- Exactly.

Surprise them with something.

- Caress your woman, caress your woman!

- Yeah.

What are you doing?

I'm practicing my caress.

Don't be a baby about it.

Admire your wives. All right?

And I don't just mean

admire them with your eyes,

admire them with, with everything,

with your energy,

your ability to listen to them.

You know how much a girl gets turned on

if you're really listening to her?

You gotta be part of your wife's life,

you know?

You gotta be there. You have to...

You know, to put it very simply,

you have to just show up.

Show up? Show up where? Where we going,

the Copacabana? Where are we going?

- Wherever she is.

- No.

No, Lianne is like

a cracked- out humming bird.

It's exhausting just thinking about this.

Now see, that's...

Remember how funny you used to be?

Like that. That sense of humor?

Bring that into your relationship, man.

Women love a guy with a sense of humor.

Funny gets you laid.

Personality's coming back, guys.

It's coming back.

Trust me, fellas, I got eight jokes

and a Honda Accord, I'm f***ing everybody.

That's right, fun is the new money.

Right? We had so much fun

she forgot we didn't eat.

She's just home, hungry and happy.

I wish that was the case.

But how do you make a relationship work?

Here's what I say.

I say embrace the flaws, love the flaws.

Right, just do it. You gotta be like,

"Oh, babe, that's so cute

how you yelled at me

"about sh*t that didn't happen. "

That is so adorable

how you left the lights on eight times,

and we haven't even left yet.

Come here, I wanna hold you.

Hey, hey-

- Good show tonight.

- Thanks for coming.

- That was good.

- Thank you.

What, do you just

make this stuff up from real life?

Yeah. I wish it wasn't real life.

That's all based on my ex.

Bad in life, great in bed.

You know the type.

Same with him.

- Hey!

- Hey, Clarissa.

- How are you?

- Good.

I didn't know you were coming here tonight.

You don't know my schedule.

You were hilarious tonight.

What, you didn't think I was funny before?

No. It's just that it's really good now.

Timing, the material, the whole thing.

It's just tight.

It's tight. Things are getting tighter.

- Very, very tight.

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