My Man Is a Loser Page #6

- It's getting tight.

Tight acts. Things are tightening up.

It's getting tighter.

Very, very, very tight.

Look at this witty banter off stage.

That's... He's funny.

Fellas, I want to thank you,

I gotta get back to my wife.

You are married now?

- Yeah. Five years.

- A long time.

Five? Okay.

Because I slept with you three years ago.

So did half the Giggle Hut in Santa Monica,

I'm sorry.

It's what comedians do.

We travel, we try to get laid.

We tell jokes, but at the end of the day

we're just sad, alone

crying in a hotel, randomly.

It's not pretty. You look amazing.

I got a gig. Later, fellas.

- Good to see you, man.

- Good luck.

Go with God.

God, I knew I should have slept

with Chappelle that night.

They were on the same bill.

- Funny gets you laid.

- Yeah. Funny gets you laid.

- Two Jews walk into a bar...

- Go f*** yourself.

Love you.

- Knock- knock.

- F*** you.

A midget and a black guy...

Marty, really? Take the couch.

I'm serious. Take the couch.

Well hello, my little Albert Vagine- Stein.

Oh, my God.

There she is, naughty librarian.

My little Liz Scott Fitzgerald.

- Wow, have you been drinking?

- All studious and whatnot.

Whatcha reading? Not that it matters.

Let's say we take a little reading break.

Paul, really, no. I worked out

and it's that time of the month.

Really? Like that stops me.

- Honey, please.

- I'm an animal.

- Wanna see how a bear reads?

- No.

No? You sure?

- Paul, come on!

- Paw swatted... Sorry.

- That's my bear strength.

- Paul, please.

Okay, then I'm gonna walk out of here

real slow like this never happened.

Maybe take a shower

and try again in about 10 minutes.

Good luck. Good luck.

My little Liz- bian. Liz- bian.

Paul.

I mean, you know,

the guy ran four miles a day,

ate healthy, barely ever drank...

And he dies on the golf course,

at the seventh hole.

Midday. Right in front of us. Dead.

You know, the doctors say he threw a clot.

- Oh, that is so horrible.

- You know, his son's with me...

I don't know what to tell him. I just

keep saying "Your father's sleeping."

- Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, honey.

I suck at golf!

Who cares about golf?

- Who has time to be good at golf?

- Excuse me?

What?

You just laughed while he was telling you

about his friend dying during golf.

- Yeah, no. It's funny.

- Funny?

- It's... You're such a f***ing a**hole!

- No, no... No.

- Paul, do you want to apologize?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Do you?

- Do I what?

Want to apologize for laughing at

the death of his friend.

No, I'm not laughing.

I wasn't laughing at the death...

I'm laughing at the fragility of life

on this planet.

Shares of Paul are said to

be plummeting right now

as his behavior is borderline unacceptable.

Now they say that men love with their eyes,

and women love with their ears.

Well, it's time to change that up.

I had to teach my boys how to listen.

Look at this sh*t, I like this place.

This is cool.

I feel like Katy Perry

is going to jump on the bar

and start a concert

with lightning shooting out of her boobies.

I feel like Justin Bieber is

going to jump out of a keg and jerk me off.

I wish.

What are we doing here?

All right,

your wives say you don't listen, right?

That you don't engage in conversation.

You're about to engage in a conversation

you know or care nothing about.

Three "L's". Look, listen, and learn.

If you can listen to these girls ramble on,

listening to your wife

will be a cakewalk. Come on.

All right,

boys, this is Jen, Jordan and Malea.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- How are you doing?

- How are you? I'm married with kids.

- Wow...

- Nice.

Welcome to the promised land of listening.

- All right.

- Malea, tell your story.

Okay, so I grew up in foster homes

for the first seven years of my life,

till I found a family that

I really, really love.

I love them

so much.

I have always dreamt about being a dancer,

so what do you know,

I got onto the Michael Buble tour,

where I actually lost my virginity.

I'm not proud of it...

But that actually got me into

the Backstreet Boys reunion tour,

and I think I found my calling.

All right, good.

Now Marty, if you were really listening,

you'll be able to repeat what she said.

- Give us some details.

- Nothing.

Your dad worked at Foster Grant,

and you blew Michael Buble...

- Marty!

- When you were on a boat.

- She slept with Michael Bubl.

- No!

And then

you started dancing for Marky Mark

and then had sex with the Funky Bunch?

- Right? And you grew up in Baltimore.

- Marty!

And you sing opera, right?

- Fail!

- Fail what?

You're not listening, Marty.

She slept with the Backstreet Boys,

not with Marky Mark.

- Excuse me, you don't sing opera?

- No, I do not.

- Country?

- No.

- You figure skate?

- No!

- No.

- That's the point of this exercise.

You gotta listen. You gotta listen!

Darling, did you not just say

you sing opera?

- No, I did not just say that.

- Let me show you how it's done.

- Stop, stop, stop!

- What is going on here?

- Stop!

- You don't listen.

- Exactly. I listen.

- Stop.

- Let's try this again.

- Okay.

- Jen, tell your story.

- Go ahead.

This is my story on how

I lost my virginity.

- Virginity, I like that.

- All right.

Okay. So I was in the backseat of an SUV

at a rock show in Atlanta.

The windows were all fogged up

so I assumed that nobody could see in,

but then I looked up and...

Needless to say, I have a reputation.

- Yeah.

- All right, Paul.

- Were you listening?

- Yes.

- So. Okay.

- Go.

You're in Atlanta,

you lost your virginity in a car wash.

There were six people in the car.

And it's in the air.

No, no, no, Paul. A, you're getting creepy.

Guys, guys. Listen, listen.

I used to babysit for my next door neighbor

and he took me to a Knicks game,

we sat front row, on the floor.

I had to move away, change my identity.

My name's not really Jordan.

And go.

Your father founded the Black Panthers.

Your mom's a Puerto Rican Jew, and...

Excuse me!

I think it's really cool

how you hang out with older guys.

They're not that much older.

- They're a little older than me.

- Really?

Yeah. Okay, bye. gulls-

My wife is gonna call you

about the babysitting.

Older? What do you mean, older?

Yeah, what are you talking about?

We're the same age.

They don't know that. Sometimes I lie.

If they say early 20s, I say early 30s.

They say mid- 20s, I say mid- 30s.

The rest is sort of on a sliding scale.

Yeah. Well, again, f*** you, man.

Paul. Emily's piano recital

is in a couple of days.

Emily's piano recital

is in a couple of days.

I'm trying to be serious here.

She's playing for my dad's friends

at the nursing home.

You are being serious.

She is playing for your dad's friends

at the nursing home.

What are you doing?

Everything.

Is this your idea of turning me on?

Is this your idea of pretending

I'm not turning you on?

Wow, I can barely contain myself.

I just came twice.

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