My Man Is a Loser Page #7

Where has my husband gone?

I don't know where he's gone.

I do know where he's going.

I just spoke to our lawyers,

and apparently

the Australians are reconsidering.

Mommy!

- I love you.

- I love you, too.

Okay. I'll go make some money!

Oh, Paul.

- Hey, Maur, sorry.

- Hey, Paul.

- Good news.

- Yeah?

And I don't know how I did it,

but I managed to get the Australians

back into your good graces.

They're going to take another look

at your company.

- Okay. Do you want to use the bathroom?

- Damn this cold.

What? What for?

Sh*t! Okay. All right, thanks, Maur.

That's great news.

You're the best lawyer ever.

- Okay.

- No problem.

- That's what you pay me for.

- Yep.

Don't screw it up, that's my advice.

Okay, thanks, I won't.

Hey, Maury.

He just...

See ya.

F***, did you just blow Maury?

- Come on.

- What was that?

That thing looks like a dead baby bird!

No idea. It was just sitting out like that.

He doesn't feel the air on it?

He's g0in9-

Great news, listen to me. Australians,

they're giving us a second chance.

- Oh, good!

- They're coming back in six days.

All right, good. We need that. That's huge.

- I know, I know.

- Okay, good.

That's going to f*** me up

for a long time, man.

How long did it stay... What was that?

He didn't feel the air on it?

He was sitting on that chair.

What am I going to do with the chair?

- I gotta throw it away.

- Get rid of it.

Can somebody help me

get this chair out of here?

Get some bleach. Bleach it.

I'm not touching it.

The boys must have done something right.

First came Martin and Lewis,

now comes Martin and Gold.

The boys are back in the game.

Paul's idea of spontaneity is to put

a hand on my breast, mid- sentence.

It's cute.

Marty's idea of spontaneity

is getting something

other than Chinese food on Sunday nights.

Well, way to shake up the norm, babe.

Thanks so much.

And the listening!

The listening has reached an all- time low.

Listening? I sent Marty to the

store to get orange juice,

he came back with milk and M&Ms.

Really?

Paul thinks I don't notice with

the fake- listen head- nod move.

Fake- listen head- nod.

Yeah, Marty perfected

that move years ago, so...

It is amazing to me, amazing to me,

that they can be so smart in business

and so stupid at home!

- I know.

- Maybe it's, like, a thing.

Do you think Bill Gates forgets

what grade his daughter is in?

No, I doubt it. He owns the school.

That would help.

- This is, like, soaked in booze.

- Is it really?

It's so good.

They say that about the pineappley parts.

Where did my pineappley part go?

Hey!

- What's up?

- Sit down.

Hey, where's the fire? What is this?

I can believe this. I can't take it.

Don't ask, just watch.

And watch with your wives.

Oh, no, I stopped doing porn.

It's too intimidating.

It doesn't intimidate me.

It's not porn.

We got Beaches, Steel Magnolias

and The Champ.

Oh, hell, no!

I'm not watching The Champ, man.

That's too much, man.

If I saw Ricky Schroder right now,

I'd start crying.

F***ing kid's crying in the ring,

"Champ, wake up, Champ!"

And he had the blue eyes and the freckles.

- No, Marty, Marty...

- No, I can't watch that sh*t.

Marty, Marty, that's the point.

Women love that sh*t, okay?

Next to Brian's Song,

The Champ is one of the greatest man cries

of all time.

Society tries to tell us that

women don't want sensitive men, right?

I say f*** society. Cry your way back in.

Make it a couple's cry.

What about Rocky?

Classic underdog tale, but doesn't get

sensitive until Mickey dies in III.

- That's true.

- It's messed up when Apollo dies, too.

That really killed me. And you know

what else is a good one? Lassie.

I can't even keep that film in the house.

It's too overwhelming emotionally.

Nothing sexy about a dead dog.

- Lassie didn't die.

- In real life, she did.

- Like in real life?

- Guys...

Real Lassie died?

Listen to me, a couple that

cries together, stays together.

Go do your work.

I never thought it would end this way.

Look at that hair.

It's awful.

If it's my last week on Earth,

do not let me leave the house

looking like that.

I'll be dead in a week!

Oh, God, I need sun.

I'm like an albino, I'm so pale.

Hey, babe, you know

that bully parent, Calvin?

Little guy? Napoleon complex?

At Alex's practice?

Yeah.

The one that's always

screaming and yelling.

- He's scaring the kids.

- Okay.

Someone needs to say

something to him, okay?

Yeah, I'm sure somebody will talk to him.

Someone like you, Marty.

ok3Y-

ok3Y-

I know, but look at me.

I can't stop looking at you.

Stop looking at me like that.

My hair's gone.

The Little League loudmouth parent.

It's an epidemic.

It'll be my pleasure

to show Marty a few things.

Now, I don't condone violence,

but my boy here, he loves it.

So obviously your first choice in any

confrontation is to defuse the situation,

but we all know that

sometimes that doesn't work.

- Right?

- Right.

Okay. So, sometimes

you got to throw a beating.

Look, I'm just putting this out there.

I had Osgood- Schlatters

and my doctor said it came back.

Marty, that's a children's ailment.

I don't make this sh*t up.

That's what the doctor said.

Marty, working out is sexy.

Women outlive men, but we don't want that.

We want you to be alive and strong

and on our side for the long haul.

This is all very touching,

but can we do some work here?

- Want to do some work?

- Yeah.

- You wanna show me your jab?

- Yeah.

- You wanna punch?

- Yeah.

Okay, now digs, let's see some work.

Let's go, Marty.

Be the man we know you are, Marty.

Jab it, yeah!

Keep your balance! Jab, right, jab!

- Get him, Marty!

- Again.

Hey, look at this guy.

Hey, what'd you f***,

a Foot Locker mannequin?

Hey, you look good. You look great.

Hey Joey, Joey, show my boy...

Show my boy the oldest trick in the book.

Show him how to out- crazy a guy.

- Oh, the threaten thing?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I can do that. Okay.

Say someone threatens you.

You gotta come back with them

with something crazier

and then you throw in a stare.

Okay, so, come at me. Threaten me.

- Okay.

- Give him something. Give him something.

- Let's go, Marty.

- You need to move outta the way,

or I'm gonna f*** your sister at

5:
45 next Friday.

Wow. That was, that was too specific.

After lunch?

That's a little specific.

Yeah. Let's try to be a

little more general.

Come at me again.

All right. Hey, hey!

I'll f*** your grandma,

next month, a bunch of times,

if you don't move out of my way.

You f*** my grandmother,

I'll rip your dick off,

I'll shove it down your throat,

I'll make you sh*t it out!

And then I'll make you swallow it again!

Do you understand me?

No, I don't want to f*** her for real.

I was just...

All right, all right, all right.

Tap, tap, tap.

- See how that works? See how that works?

- That's right.

You guys ready? Let's go!

Come on, Marty.

You're beasts! You guys are beasts!

One, two, three. Red! Red! Red!

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