My Man Is a Loser Page #8

Yeah! That's it.

- Hi.

- How are you?

Wow, impressive!

Why don't you bean the kid

and force a double play?

Now let's see what you got

when my boy steps up!

Let's see if you got anything

for the slider here, you little sh*t.

Okay, Junior, swing for it!

Look at the ballerina! Nice throw!

Come on!

Look, he's throwing heat over here.

He can't do that.

I think this guy's kinda

crazy in the head, Mom.

All right, Junior.

Swing for it, all the way.

Take em yard!

You better check yourself, playboy!

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, run, run, run.

Dig it, dig it, dig it.

Go, go, go. 90!

- You got it, you got it. Oh, come on.

- Yes!

What are you, a bad dad?

You knocked him down,

what's wrong with you?

Who are you trying to impress?

You got scouts watching?

You going pro? What's up?

What are you talking about?

If I lob it in,

everybody's gonna get on the base

and no one's gonna learn.

I see how it is.

Well, why don't you give me the ball

and I'll brush your kid off the plate?

Hey sh*t- dick, you wanna threaten me,

that's one thing,

you wanna threaten my kid

that's another thing, okay?

I'll make two phone calls

and in the morning

there will be a moving truck

outside your house

and you'll be crying like a little baby!

What the hell does that mean?

That means I'll suck the snot

outta your nose and spit it in your mouth,

okay, sh*t stain?

F*** him up, Dad!

You got that? I'm the f***ing Mike Tyson of

this Little League sh*t.

You understand me, pencil dick?

- You understand, f*** nuts?

- Yeah, yeah!

Can I get help over here?

Thank you for untucking those balls, baby.

You did it!

My teeth... Has my tooth fallen out?

And here we go.

- Is it loose?

- No. You're fine.

You did good. Honey? Honey? Two outs.

Two outs. You gotta get back out there.

Get back out there.

Do it. Bring the fury! Yes!

I'm gonna screw you on a cruise ship

on a Thursday in bad weather!

I'm gonna give it to you.

Mama's gonna give it to you!

Marty!

That's some good sh*t, man!

Danny?

Hey, buddy, what do you think, man?

It's pretty cool, right?

F*** a roof over your head, man.

- It's awesome, what?

- You can't camp out in the park.

Run, Danny!

- Hey, man, I pay taxes!

- Sir, sir.

- Don't, don't tase me, man!

- Yeah.

Yeah.

All right, two outs!

It was a good thing I wasn't there.

I go crazy with that kind of stuff.

Wow, you haven't been in a fight

since high school, babe.

Not that you've seen. I go low pro.

- Low pro.

- I keep my skills concealed.

Concealed.

Talk about me, that's one thing.

Talk about my son,

that's a whole other thing.

Full- blown anxiety attack?

You saw me out there, sweetie.

The guy got lucky.

I'm surprised more guys

don't get the sh*t kicked out of them

at Little League games.

You should be a Little League super hero!

Run around beating up mean fathers.

That's not the worst idea.

Why are you doing that?

Don't encourage them.

Hey, guys. Sorry,

we're running a little slow tonight.

What can I get you to start?

You know what,

can I get a Rusty Spoon, please?

A what?

You know what, why don't we

start with four Midnight Nipples.

You know, I'm sorry, instead,

let me get a Bang Bang Neighbor.

I'll get a Communist Hooker Sprite,

on second thought.

Scratch that, let's get

two Ass To Mouths...

I don't want an Ass To Mouth,

but I do want a Detroit Working Girl.

That works for him,

but you know what, I want a rare vodka.

- It's called a Bieber- Bangs Stoli?

Straight. - You know what?

This is getting too complicated.

Why don't we just start with

High Country Crotch Rockets...

For everybody. Four, please.

Okay, enough. Enough.

Shots of sexual harassment for you.

You're welcome.

It's drink- lingo.

What's the matter,

we go too much swagger for the 'burbs?

You don't have

any of those drinks, sweetie?

Paul, the boys will have juice boxes,

and the two of us will enjoy

a very expensive bottle of Chardonnay.

Can you put some beer

in those juice boxes?

- Thank you so much.

- Thank you.

Marty, why don't you come with me

to yoga tomorrow?

Work on that thing

that's happening right now.

I don't wanna go to yoga.

I mean, if it was Crossfit or TRX,

or something like that,

maybe, but yoga, it's kinda easy.

Is it that super sexy yoga teacher

you were telling me about?

Why, yes, Liz, it is.

- The super sexy yoga teacher.

- Yes.

We're going to work on

the plow pose tomorrow.

- Plow pose.

- To do what?

He's going to plow me.

Who's going to plow what? Who?

And he is...Latino.

Reach your heart towards the sun

and give thanks.

Breathe in.

Understand that we hold memories

of our past in our bodies.

So when you stretch,

you may experience some emotions

that are uncomfortable.

Now, let's lift our leg to the sky.

And breathe.

F*** the third grade!

All right, everybody, if you're thinking

you want to make your house

more energy- efficient,

you better make sure you can afford it.

So I want you to

go to suzeorman.com right now,

tell me what it is that you want to do

and I'll tell you if you

can afford it or not!

All right. I think somebody's out there.

Hey, who's next. Hello?

Are you out there? You on?

Oh, God.

Did somebody just say God is calling me?

Listen, if you're God, I gotta tell you,

I have been waiting

my entire lifetime for you to call.

Please don't tell me

that you're broke, too.

No. Suze, hey, this is

Paul from New Jersey.

Paul, I can barely hear you,

so go ahead, Whispering Paul.

Okay, here's the thing,

my wife spends money like...

$1,000 on a pair of shoes,

$2,500 on a purse.

She acts like they're investments.

They're gonna outperform the SMB 500.

Are these good purchases?

Did you just ask me

if these are good purchases?

Are you kidding?

But listen, boyfriend,

I'm not here to judge

what you or your wife wants to buy.

I'm here to tell you

if you can afford it or not.

So open up one of her purses

and just simply show me the money, Paul.

I make around about

$21,000 month in income.

Good. I have to tell you,

that's great income.

Yeah, but I spend about $25,000 month.

Wait, excuse me? Did you just say that

your income is $21, 000,

but you're spending $25, 000,

so you are already 34,

000 a month in deficit?

This is exactly why I'm calling you,

I'm living in a madhouse!

You know, I gotta wake up,

I gotta make $15,000 a month

just to wake up, the way she spends.

It's crazy! And it's scaring me!

Well, it should be scaring you.

Does your wife even have a clue that

you don't have enough money

to pay your bills every month?

I don't think so.

What do you mean you don't think so?

Listen, boyfriend,

you make really good money,

but the fact that you make so much

and you're spending

more than you make is a travesty.

You are so wrong

and here is what you need to know.

You are denied!

In fact, your wife should

take all the purses,

all the shoes she has ever purchased

and sell them on eBay.

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