My Man Is a Loser Page #9

Thank you.

Thank you.

It's so good to hear a sane voice!

I'll tell you something else she does...

Are you discussing our relationship

with Suze Orman?

I don't... No. I don't think so.

- Paul!

- Okay.

Now, I figure

the next lesson should be spontaneity.

Women love it.

Men, they don't even know what it is.

All right, boys, class is

in session, all right?

Let's get into the issue.

Marty, what are you wearing?

These are my capris.

- It's comfortable.

- Well, it's not comfortable for us.

- I like it.

- None of my moves are working.

- Well, that's because they're moves.

- Right.

Moves are for amateurs.

I'm going to buy her

a really nice purse, I think.

- That's always worked in the past.

- Do that. Do that.

But buying a gift as an apology

went out years ago.

Yeah.

What women want is spontaneity.

- They want a surprise, right?

- Yeah.

No, my wife don't like surprises.

All women like surprises, Marty.

No, trust me, okay?

We threw a surprise party a few years ago.

She walked in, we said "Surprise."

She said "F*** off,"

smacked my face and left!

Okay, she said I invited all her enemies.

I don't need that sh*t.

Clarissa, maybe if I, you know,

if! made out with you,

it'd make things a little better, you know.

- Help me through this?

- Paul?

- You're a d*ckhead.

- Okay.

Okay, okay. Here we go.

So, your wife is sitting on the couch,

watching TV, or reading a book

or having some ice cream, right?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

Let me tell you,

this works in almost every country, too.

I tried this on an Ecuadorian super model,

she slept with me for six months.

She even moved in for awhile.

How'd you get her out of your house?

I had her deported on a visa loophole.

- Okay, stop talking.

- He's the best.

- Watch how this works, guys.

- Best.

- Watch.

- Okay, right?

So she's reading a book.

She's reading a book, right?

You kinda slide up behind her,

move in and...

Boom! Right?

You go in for the kiss, you're kissing.

Boom, boom, boom, kissing.

She's not paying attention.

You slide down, grab the hand,

look who's happy now.

And I'm so shocked by this move,

that I don't even notice

that I'm walking away.

God damn it!

F***ing sh*t...

All right, guys, write this down.

That's known as the Happy Kidnap.

- You got a pen?

- I don't have a pen.

Hello.

Wow. Those are... fitted.

Oh, no, this is just what happens

when you're this muscular.

You just kinda bust out of your shirts.

Is that a unitard?

It is not a unitard, but I am going

to take that as a compliment.

I tucked my shirt in

so I can show you what I'm working with.

What's this?

Just a little something

to tell you that I love you.

Baby, ouch!

Those are my extensions!

That's not my real hair.

- Really?

- No.

- I mean it's partly my hair.

- Whose hair is it?

The hair of angels?

What is up with the moves?

And the pants, and...

I'm just hanging out.

I thought maybe you'd like to take a break.

- Emily is right upstairs.

- She is. Yeah, I know that.

- She's sound asleep.

- How do you know?

Because I have sexual psychic powers.

Well, do you think

you could tell your sexual psychic powers

maybe just to wait

until I'm finished with this chapter?

I can do that, but you know what?

I'm checking your pulse

and I don't think you're fit to read.

I think you need to come upstairs

and lie down.

I don't have much more. I'm already on 201

and the chapter ends on 204.

So that's like three pages.

- That must be a really good book, then.

- It's good.

I read fast, babe. I'll

see you in a minute.

I'll go upstairs, then.

That's good. This is good...

Thank you, baby. Wow, wow.

Those pants have really,

efficient bun- cupping action.

They're like man- Spanx.

No, they're not. I just have

a very well- developed lower body.

- You do. They cup your buns.

- Yeah, well. You're welcome.

"To the most special person in my life.

"The words on this page

could never do justice. I love you.

"Happy Kwanzaa,

my African American queen."

Paul...

So close.

You know, watching the boys

fight for their relationships

was a great thing to see.

But it also made me realize that

I hadn't fought for anyone in along time.

My life was a hard habit to break.

To masturbation!

Hey. girls!

- Oh my God!

- Hi!

Hon, oh, no, who died? Why are you here?

Oh, stop it. I figured I'd just drop in

and see how you're doing, you know.

Catch up on everything. What's going on?

Oh, my God, how cute. So cute!

Look at that, see this is exactly,

exactly what I'm talking about.

It amazes me that you can be

in business with my husband

and yet none of this rubs off on him.

But, girls... What's happening?

Nothing. I just wanted to catch up,

gossip it up a little bit.

You know, hang out,

spend some time with you.

Hey, did you watch Mob Wives last night?

- I totally did!

- Did you see it?

I used to love Drita, she was my favorite

but Big Ang, she's the best!

- I couldn't agree more!

- Is she not the best?

- She is so awesome.

- Absolutely, 100%. Oh, my God.

- Marty, here, this is for you!

- Thank you, thank you.

You know what, we're actually just

finishing up, sweetie. So, you know.

All right,

so what are you guys doing after that?

Just a ladies day.

- All right! Great!

- Cheers.

I swear I needed this more than

you could ever imagine!

Isn't it amazing how a simple pedicure

will just brighten your whole day?

Sweetie, my toe has shriveled up

like a prune!

It looks like E.T.

E.T. toe home. E.T. toe home.

Linda and her spiritual journey.

I'm thinking,

why not be spiritual when you're married?

You get a divorce and now you're meditating

and taking trips to a vortex in New Mexico?

Come on, give me a break.

Yeah. I didn't trust her husband

when I met him.

The guy had a weak handshake.

My gut said "cheater" from the get- go.

Sweets, why are my calves so sensitive?

It's the only part of my body

I can't take pain in.

Quiet time.

- It's just, I don't understand it...

- Babe!

All right, always cuddle

according to the mood, right?

There are three stages of the cuddle.

First of all there's the ''All in."

That is to be used after a perfect evening

or a post- traumatic fight.

Then you have the ''I'm Still Here," right?

A little touch indicating, you know,

that you love them, you care about them,

but you're tired, but you're still there.

And then, of course,

you have "The Reverse Spoon,"

to be avoided at all costs unless

you're absolutely exhausted, all right?

Listen, I read on Google once

that cuddling can cut off

the circulation to your heart.

So I'm not comfortable with all this.

- Clarissa?

- Yes, okay.

Here we go. Paul, get down here.

You wanna try this, don't you?

Yes! Yeah.

Wait, what the...

Why does he always get to go first?

Oh, man, that was...

Guys, you go home

and hold onto your wives, all right?

All right, I appreciate it.

I think this really helped.

But I'm a little sore,

but I think I'm good. Thank you.

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