My Old Lady Page #3

guns in my room?

My husband's business took him

to Africa, and he loved safari.

He was always game shooting.

That explains the dead animals on

my wall... the pig and the cow.

It's a wild boar.

I can't remember what

else was on the wall.

I wouldn't think it's a cow.

Well, to me,

anything of that girth is a cow.

Lucky you weren't here a few months ago.

You see, I've just sold most

of his animal head collection.

Oh, there were animal heads everywhere.

Lions, tigers, zebra.

Carnage.

Yes. Absolument carnage.

So, what are your memories of...

of Paris?

Not a lot. My father had

an apartment near here.

I remember kicking a ball on

a courtyard with a concierge.

Not with your father?

Oh, definitely not with my father. No.

Was he... Was he alone when he died?

I don't know. He was in a home.

It's a fear of mine.

He's buried here in France somewhere.

They shipped his ashes over.

Yes.

Fruits de mer.

Why not?

- I hope you like oysters.

- Oh, yes.

I have them specially

delivered on Tuesdays.

Expensive, no?

Not at all. Not at all.

I barter English lessons...

with the owner of the restaurant,

and his wife makes the mayonnaise.

Would you, please? It's a Chablis.

1990. Remarkable.

My private students come here

tonight between 9:00 and 10:00...

for English conversation.

I don't think we'll disturb you.

Oh, I'm sure you won't.

Well, good health.

Long life.

Which one?

Now, today is Jean-Christophe's

birthday, so...

- Happy birthday!

- Happy birthday!

Yes, happy birthday.

And, we say,

"Many happy returns of the day."

Many happy returns of the day.

Bravo. Brava. And what are

you reading, Jean-Christophe?

I'm reading Ulysse by James Joyce.

But it's Ulysses.

- Ulysses.

- Ulysses.

- Can you?

- Ulysses.

Ulysses. Such difficult language.

But well worth the struggle.

- Yes, Florence?

- What is the meaning of the word "wang"?

"Wang?" Well, it's...

it's an Oriental dynasty.

Why? What are you reading?

A roman by a young disciple

of Philip Roth... Philip Roth.

Well, what is the context?

"His blood-filled wang

was in her 'mouse'...

when the tea-kettle whistle whistled."

C'est du porno.

C'est du porno.

Also, Florence... "Mouth."

- "Mouth."

- "Mouse."

"Mouse" is a little thing.

"In her mouth."

- "In her mouth"?

- Yes.

Sorry! Nearly done.

I'm done!

It's all yours.

Okay.

"Caf Colbert at 2:00."

Okay.

So, if I can't sell my old lady,

and I can't sell my apartment,

can I sell the contract?

Oui, oui, oui.

When someone can afford

a high-end apartment,

they rarely want involvement

in a viager situation.

Why is there only one toilet

in such a big apartment?

One toilet is the French way.

French people love eating,

but pooing isn't so important.

The old lady probably has

her own toilet downstairs.

What if I get the Girards to agree to split

the apartment into two apartments?

They keep the top floor, and I get you

to sell the bottom floor for me.

No problem, if we can find a buyer

who accepts a viager contract.

Compliqu.

The French guy I told you about?

Franois something.

He's... very hot to buy the apartment.

And I'm meeting the daughter

at 2:
00 at a caf.

I invited him to join us so I

can propose this split idea.

I'd be anxious to know.

Did you tell him about the old lady's age?

Yeah. Nothing seems to scare him.

Of course not.

It's a good age, a good address.

Where do you live, Lefebvre?

I live in the blood of Paris.

- Your coat's torn.

- Oh, yeah. It is.

Has Franois Roy contacted you yet?

"France Wah-Wah?"

A man called Franois Roy will be contacting

you regarding the sale of the apartment.

Yes. He already... He already called me.

In New York. We Skyped.

Be careful with him. He's a snake.

Mademoiselle Girard, I think we're

about to have a little problem.

- It's a pleasure to meet you face-to-face.

- As it were.

- What are you doing here?

- This is yours?

- You invited him?

- Just call me Jim.

- And remember, I don't speak French.

- Not a problem, Jim. We'll speak English.

- I'm sorry I'm a little bit late.

- This is an outrage.

Did you not speak to Mitre Brinot?

I have. Several times.

I want to propose something.

This idea of splitting the apartment

into two apartments.

You keep apartment "A," with the toilet,

and I sell apartment "B" to Wah-Wah.

Vous tes un imbcile.

I don't speak French, but I get the

gist of imbcile. What about you?

I'm only interested in the

entire apartment, as is.

Then what do you propose to offer...

for the entire apartment, as is?

- What are you doing?

- You are very direct.

Yes. Well?

- Nine million euros.

- The apartment is worth 12 million.

- Probably more.

- I think not.

Well, I've been talking to the

best real estate agent in France.

Several times. This man

lives in the blood of Paris.

At the moment, the property

is a merdier... a mess.

Both literally and legally.

Okay. I'm prepared

to consider your offer.

D'accord. D'accord.

Jim, you are legally within your

rights to sell the contract to me.

Why don't you just murder my mother and me?

It would make things a lot easier!

Can't you see what you're doing?

On Tuesday my mother dies,

on Wednesday this man has me thrown out

on the street with no money and no home,

and on Thursday the building that my

great-grandfather built for his children...

and their children and their children's

children is destroyed by this monster

and turned into one of

those hideous hotels!

It's all about the money, isn't it?

That's the speech you should

have made to your mother...

before she sold the apartment

to this man's father, for money.

My mother sold her apartment to this man's

father to keep it away from your father!

Guys. Guys.

You've got to keep it down. Okay?

Look, I just need a week

to consider your offer.

But I-I'm gonna need a

good-faith advance...

during the week of consideration.

I don't completely understand.

You haven't heard a single

word I've said, have you?

Quiet. Please.

It means that I won't negotiate

with anyone else for one week...

while I'm considering your offer.

But right now I need a binder from you,

a small bouquet in cash.

How much cash do you have on you?

- Are you serious?

- Deadly.

Let's look in our wallet, shall we?

- Really?

- No joke.

- 360 euros.

- That'll do. Okay.

Well?

You have my word as a New Yorker,

I will not talk to anyone else.

And I will give you my

answer in one week exactly.

This is unique.

- Mr. Gold. Jim.

- Jim.

- Chre, Mademoiselle Girard.

- Wah-Wah.

Let me get the tea.

Charmant? Garon? Gendarme?

Le cheque.

He plans to turn our

building into a hotel

like the two monstrosities

he has in Montparnasse.

He has options to buy every apartment in

our building as soon as he gets ours.

But until he gets ours,

the city won't give permission.

So he really needs the apartment.

Excellent.

It's not about money. It's about

preserving a historic neighborhood.

Yeah, I get all that.

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