My One And Only Page #7

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George?

So I got the lead in the school play.

I'm playing Oedipus, king of Thebes.

In the original Greek play, Oedipus kills

his father and marries his mother...

but Mrs. Kirkland made us change it

so that now I just hit my father...

over the head with a shovel and take

my mother to Howard Johnson's for dinner.

Boys! Boys!

Come and help us celebrate.

Mr. Massey asked your mother to marry him.

- Congratulations.

- See? My knight in shining armor...

is a salesman in high-gloss enamel.

But he's here, and I'll take him.

- Oh. Here.

- Oh...

Oh, Hope. Have a little too much

of something once in your life.

All right. Maybe a little.

- When's the ceremony?

- In two weeks, and I'm gonna need you...

- to help me with my outfit.

- Of course.

- What should I wear?

- Certainly nothing white.

Oh, no more. I can't.

All right, what the hell.

Darling, would you get my lighter, please?

- It's on the table in the kitchen.

- Sure.

Are we going back to New York?

Well, Mr. Massey has this idea

to expand west to California.

What if I want to stay here?

In St. Louis?

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Nobody wants to stay in St. Louis.

Do you even love this guy?

It's so damned unfair.

You are like a cat...

always landing on your goddamn feet.

Rest of us play by the rules, get nowhere.

But where do you end up?

You're right up there on top of the heap.

- Well, that's because I have faith in the world.

- Oh, horseshit!

It's because the world makes exceptions

for a beautiful woman.

The world is a whole nother place

for a homely woman like me.

And how many years

have I been trying to have children?

How many? Twenty.

And do I have them?

No, I don't. I am dry as a damn bone!

But you can.

You have two normal...

Well, you have...

you have two healthy boys.

Look at him.

I ask you, is that fair?

No, it's not fair at all.

- Oh, Hope.

- There is no God!

Calm down. Here.

Have a cigarette.

- Here we go.

- Front row?

Robbie will be over the moon.

There's nothing I wouldn't do

for the boys, Ann.

You know Robbie's been the lead

in every school play?

This is the first one

that he's actually going to perform in.

Salesmen are like actors too, George...

wearing the masks of both comedy

and tragedy on the stage of commerce.

Right.

Oh, I'm so excited.

The sands of ignorance

blow in our faces...

and we are lost without our king.

Hark! Here he comes. Oedipus...

the king.

Citizens of Thebes...

Ladies and gentlemen,

I'm afraid we must stop the show.

- What?

- The weather service...

- has spotted a tornado 10 miles east of Danson.

- So? So what?

- Everyone should exit the auditorium.

- No, they shouldn't.

- The show must go on.

- Please head to the basement

in a calm and orderly fashion.

- Sir... Sir...

- Let's go. Please. Hurry. Let's...

Let's hurry it up.

He's gonna be so disappointed.

Well, he can always say

he brought the audience to its feet.

Bravo!

- Bravo!

- Bravo!

Thanks. Oh, my God.

Okay. First batch is almost ready, guys.

- Good.

- Robbie, get that off of me, please.

- Then the camera...

- Oh! Robbie, no!

Hey, Ann, could I get a Bud?

- Uh, yeah.

- Thank you.

- Uh-huh. Oh!

- He's so shy, your son.

What are you doing out here

by yourself, George?

Thinkin'.

I like thinking too.

Clears the mind. Cigar?

No, thank you.

Your mother's a fine woman.

I know.

Now that I'm to be your stepfather...

your mother asked that I might...

talk to you about some things...

man to man.

As a man, there's only one thing

you need to know about a woman.

What's that?

They're never the right temperature.

No?

Something to do with their plumbing.

Reproduction.

Whatever reason, most of the time...

they're either too hot or too cold.

Mostly too cold.

So what you have to do...

is carry a sweater or a jacket

or something with you at all times.

Something you can keep

in the trunk of your car...

or in your closet at work...

for when their thermostat gets messed up.

What else?

That's it.

Once you've got that covered...

there's nothing else

you need to know about a woman.

What do you say

we go get something to eat?

Well, one of you gentlemen

needs to make a toast.

- Tom?

- No, I don't want to make a toast.

l... l... All right. Okay.

I'll make a toast.

Um... Congratulations.

- That's a good toast!

- For God's sake, Tom!

George, you say something.

I'm happy my mother

finally found someone to marry her.

That sounds like a eulogy, sweetheart.

- Cheers.

- Thank you, George.

- Cheers.

- I'll make a toast myself.

To Ann...

the most beautiful

and charming woman I have ever known.

We're gonna have the perfect life together,

you, me and the boys.

And I've decided to name

a whole new line of paints after you.

Starting with Matrimony White.

- William?

- Oh, hell.

- Hello, William.

- Hi, Marla.

Well, who's this, darling?

- I'm Marla Massey.

- Oh.

- Is this your sister, darling?

- I'm his wife.

Surprise, surprise, surprise.

You need more of a flick

of the wrist, like...

Like that.

Hold it there and just...

Ah.

Mr. Massey is mentally ill,

Mrs. Devereaux.

But he runs a business.

He-He... He's heir to a fortune.

William is one of the heirs

of the family fortune, yes...

but he has nothing to do

with the running of the business.

His family lets him oversee the shop here

in St. Louis as a distraction.

He's like a child who doesn't know

the difference between right and wrong...

and, sadly, his weakness is women.

Over the past two years, he's become

engaged or married to seven of them...

seven that we know of, anyway.

The Massey family profoundly apologizes

and hopes that this sum...

will alleviate any inconvenience...

that this unfortunate affair

may have caused you.

Payoff green.

I'm so sorry, Ann.

May I call you Ann?

You really love him, don't you?

What?

I said you really love William.

No. No, l-I don't.

Of course you do. You don't have to lie

to me. Massey is a charmer.

All the women love him.

I do. I always have.

Why?

- Why what, dear?

- Why do you love him?

Because he's my husband.

But beyond that, why do you love him?

You look a little chilly, darling.

I've got a sweater here you can put on.

So tired

Of dreaming daydreams

So tired

- Of only play schemes

- Hurry up, George!

You should put the top up on the car, Mom.

It looks like rain tonight.

We should get going. George!

- All right.

- I'm not going with you.

Oh, don't start with that again.

Get your things.

- I'm not going.

- Well, who's gonna drive the car?

- Robbie can drive. I'm staying here.

- In St. Louis?

Yeah. I have a normal life here.

I do well in school. I have friends.

Mr. Dillon, he likes my writing.

He says I have a voice.

Well, I'd like to be hearing a little less

of that voice right now.

Get your things.

Where are you going this time?

We are going to California.

- Why California?

- 'Cause that's where Hollywood is.

I know where Hollywood is. Just what

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