My Soul To Take Page #4

Adam Hellerman and Alex Dunkelman.

Are you boys ready?

- Boys?

- Bug, come on.

While we're young.

Get up!

I believe this is yours.

"Back from the Brink." By Adam

Hellerman and Alex Dunkelman.

Dumbfuckelman.

Brandon.

Our subject today

is about a bird.

You having another one

of your migraines, Adam?

Shock and awe!

Adam!

Our subject today is the

largest bird in North America.

Unchanged since

the Pleistocene Epoch

and only recently

rescued from extinction.

I present to you

Gymnogyps californianus.

Anus.

Brandon, second warning.

The California Condor.

Good Lord.

Are you ready?

Fly, now!

His wingspan

is 10 feet wide.

His body, more

than four feet high.

He can weigh as

much as 350 parrots.

As for soaring,

he can glide

effortlessly for days

until he finds his food,

which is carrion.

A dead, stinking body

crawling with maggots

is ice-cream to him.

Bug.

Just showmanship, Mr. Kaiser.

The facts are correct.

A California Condor can

consume the carcass of a cow

in one day.

Bullshit.

And if anyone tries to harm it,

if anyone even

so much as

touches one of its

feathers, just one...

What are you

going to do?

Going to bite me, a**hole?

Uh-uh.

The bird will vomit

copiously on its tormentor.

And if that doesn't work, the

great bird has another defense, too.

Bottle two, Alex!

What the hell is that?

And that is why no one should ever

screw with the California Condor.

Thank you, Brandon.

That felt so good.

Alex and I would

like to thank you all

for your kind attention.

Hall pass. Go!

That was so wrong!

Didn't mean to scare you. You okay?

Yeah.

Bug, that was amazing.

Oh, my God, that suit was

genius. I felt like Mothra.

How'd you come up with that? I don't know.

Have a good puke?

Couldn't.

Try the finger thing?

Nothing.

Bummer.

We should

get out of here.

Brandon's really mad

now, I guess.

You don't know the half of it.

Brandon is way past mad.

He's been humiliated twice in

two hours in front of Brittany.

He's approaching nuclear.

But he's not the one

we got to worry about.

He's not?

No, it's Fang.

Brandon only does

what she tells him to do.

The fish stinks

from the head.

Why would Fang

want to hurt us?

You? I don't know.

Me, I got caught outside the girls'

bathroom between 2:00 and 2:30.

That's when Fang

and her crew talk business.

Anybody caught

in the Fang Zone

during that half hour

is treated like a spy.

Just because you were out there

doesn't mean you were spying.

I was spying.

There's a revolution

going on here.

Fang must fall!

Fang, fall?

Like the mob.

We need to get something

on her so incriminating

that she has to leave

us common folk alone.

If only we had some

sort of listening device.

Hello?

Condor? Crow.

Fang and her crew arrive in

the bathroom in three minutes.

Everyone else

clears out five before.

That means we have a window

of two minutes, starting now.

Window?

To get your phone

in there.

In the girls' bathroom?

I'm sure Brittany is going to be

there, as well, talking about you.

We could gather that kind

of intelligence, also.

Talking about me?

Yeah, yeah. You amazed her

back there in biology, Bug.

She saw a new man

standing there,

fascinated,

powerful, daring.

Get your phone in there. You're

going to hear it with your own ears.

But now, you only

got a minute, 45.

What if there's

somebody in there?

No, no.

I got that covered.

I'm sorry. Sorry, sorry.

Wrong bathroom, Jerome!

Yours is down the hall,

around the corner.

Did I scare anyone else?

No one else is in there,

but it's a Fang Zone

in 30 seconds.

- Let's go! Come on, hurry up.

- I am!

Clear.

Can you hear me?

Ten seconds!

Go!

Come on, come on, come on.

Brittany, window, Chandelle,

door, Maria, you've got five.

Go.

The sophomores have paid another

year's protection for their bikes.

And the answers to next week's organic

chemistry test are selling briskly.

Bottom line,

$2,000 in the bank.

We got her.

Good numbers.

Speaking of numbers,

apparently this morning

there was a problem

with Brandon

giving the punitives?

A three and an eight,

I believe.

The numbers were administered

properly and on schedule, however,

before Brandon

could leave the area,

Penelope Bryte

came out of nowhere

and told him

he was going to hell.

Brandon would enjoy hell.

Kick some ass,

take names.

There something

you're not telling me?

Well,

Maria's dad was there.

I thought I told you to distract

him with the baseball stuff.

I did, but Penelope's yelling got

your father looking straight at us.

Maybe Penelope

needs a 10.

A 10?

A 10?

What's her story, anyway?

She's obsessed with Bug.

Girls find him attractive.

Do you?

What?

Find Bug attractive.

No, of course not.

Sorry.

He's a lunatic, Brittany.

A brain-bomb

waiting to go off.

His only real friend

is Dunkelman,

and Dunkelman just uses

him as his monkey.

He's been in and out

institutions half his life.

Bug has killed people.

Killed people?

Monkey?

Wake up and

smell the Starbucks.

You're right.

He's pathetic.

Brandon's the one

for you, Brit.

He's a diamond.

In the rough,

I'll admit

but a diamond

just the same.

By comparison,

Bug is a lump of coal.

Trust me on this.

Okay?

Okay, Fang.

Good girl.

Bug, don't run away.

Stop it.

Bug, say, "Thanks, Fang,

that felt great."

I'd be lying.

That's the point.

Thanks, Fang.

That felt great.

That felt f***ing great.

That's a bad word.

Be bad.

It makes things good.

Everything's backwards

with you.

Just fake you're bad.

Thanks, Fang.

That felt

f***ing great.

That felt f***ing great.

Good. But you do have to do one more thing.

I can't handle another

f***ing thing, okay?

You've got to get

your phone back.

Are you f***ing kidding me?

I'm not f***ing kidding you.

They're going to find it,

they're going to trace it

they're going

to call your mom.

She's going to have to come in and

get humiliated by Principal Pratt.

No f***ing way!

Way. And enough

with the "fucks" now.

You say "f***."

You're not me, okay?

You're not me, okay?

Stop it.

Stop it.

Bug?

Bug?

Bug.

Bug.

Boo!

Cut it out.

Cut it out.

Bug. Bug!

Bug. Bug!

Bug!

Bug!

What just happened?

Nothing.

Do you think

I'm a monkey, Alex?

Have you killed people, Bug?

Not that I can remember.

Well, I can't remember

buying you bananas either.

I'll be right back.

Keep it down in there.

Bug? Where are you?

What's taking you so long?

Bug?

Bug, someone's coming.

Alex, what are you doing here?

Hi, Brittany. Brittany, why are

you going back into the bathroom?

- I forgot my purse.

- None of your business.

Incoming!

Hello? Please say this is a nightmare.

Please say this is a

nightmare. Anyone in there?

Hello? Who locked this?

He probably just fell in.

Accidents happen.

If Jeanne-Baptiste is down

there, we're not talking accident.

I could f***ing

feel it coming.

Yeah.

You couldn't feel sh*t.

No, I could.

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