My Stepmother Is an Alien Page #2

---

...betray their countries and give away

real estate for a beautiful woman.

That's silly.

Will I need to eat?

No. We'll only be in the

place for 24 hours.

This is the most important assignment

any of us has undertaken.

I feel so poorly prepared.

You're the Earth expert.

But you are the Chief Extragalactic Probist.

You know the Council's directive.

I can only be your adviser.

Are you sure this research is accurate?

Celeste, the Mondschein 40

is never wrong.

Right. Let's go.

Hors d'oeuvres?

Kimberly.

-You met my brother Steve?

-No.

You gotta watch out for him,

but in the best sense.

He cares too deeply, like a sparrow.

You've got something on your lip.

A little dip there.

I think flossing is so important, too.

When I get up in the morning,

I don't even go to the bathroom first.

I floss and then I go.

That's so great.

Ron, I'm beginning to think

you're avoiding me.

Hi.

Are you Dr. Steve Mills?

He's the guy dancing with his daughter.

Hors d'oeuvres?

Thank you. Delicious.

Hello.

-Are you Dr. Steve Mills?

-Yes.

Will you tell me the composition

of your radar beam or not?

Which one?

Now, you don't fool me.

Your favourite colour is red.

Your favourite food is lasagne,

and your favourite rocking is Pink Fred.

Actually, I prefer green,

I'm allergic to all pasta...

...and my favourite rock is Rachmaninoff.

Of course you'd say that.

I think it's Pink Floyd,

not Pink Fred right, Jessie?

Pink Fred is their nickname.

Would you hold this for me, please?

"Hey, hey we're the Monkees

"People say we monkey around

"But we're too busy singing

to put anybody down"

What?

Do you know what they say?

"Nixon's the One!"

Dick Nixon?

Okay.

See you later, bro.

Sailor, I like your jeep.

You've broken my heart for the last time.

You've broken my heart

for the last time, too.

Do you have any spinach,

my hands are freezing?

"I'm Popeye the sailor man

I'm Popeye the sailor man

"I'm strong to the 'finich'

'cause I eats me spinach

"I'm Popeye the sailor man

Toot, toot"

"This Bud's for you."

Baby!

Now will you tell me the composition

of your radar beam?

Wackygram, right?

Encore! Encore!

This is a nightmare.

Your research was all wrong!

The food was all wrong!

This dress is strange

and what is this thing?

This hat is too big.

And everything I said was crazy.

Now just a second.

Don't blame it all on me.

I never told you they used spinach

to keep their hands warm.

Daddy, who was that?

I don't know.

But I feel kinda sorry for her.

I don't think anybody liked her.

Did you?

How are we ever going to get

Dr. Steve to transmit his signal now?

He thinks I'm a lunatic.

Now just calm down.

You've got to go back in there.

And you....

-Hi.

-Hi.

Tough room.

I'm really sorry how rude I was in there.

You weren't rude.

You were very entertaining.

In fact, I thought you were

a professional of some kind.

Believe me, they'll be telling

their grandchildren about it.

Have you done any interesting

radar astronomy transmissions...

...which may have penetrated

other galaxies in the last few days?

Yes, I have.

Well, what happened?

-It's pretty complex.

-Try me.

That was the most beautiful woman

I've ever seen.

I mean, second most beautiful.

Third.

A dog.

The system. I blew out every

resistance backup in the place...

...including telemetry trackers.

Those boys from defence were so mad.

'Cause that's what they use

for tracking missiles....

I must be boring the pants off you.

-No. They're still on.

-Good.

-Then what happened, Dr. Steve?

-I don't really know what happened.

It must have been something

I did in the lab.

Maybe I forgot to take a note

or dropped a setting.

Show me what you did.

Show me in your mighty lab.

I can't. They fired me.

You know I'm a little cold.

Would you mind very much if I just...

...stuck my hands right in your pockets?

Yes, that's better.

So, Celeste...

...where are you from?

The nether-lands.

Oh, Holland.

No, the nether-lands.

For an astronomer

you have the most wonderful fibres.

And you've got yourself

a handful right now.

I can't get back in that lab.

They're gonna kiss!

Does he know how?

Well, of course.

I saw him do it once in 1983.

I'm a bad apple.

Excuse me a minute.

I shouldn't be wearing this, should I?

It's very nice.

Then what should I wear?

Thank you. I won't forget this.

Hold this.

What are you doing now?

I have to change. This is inappropriate.

Might I suggest a more conventional spot?

Like the backseat of my car.

There. I'm changed.

Is this acceptable?

Is the drool apparent?

I'm sorry, Dr. Mills, we have strict orders

from Dr. Budlong...

...not to let you in the building.

I left something in my office.

It was a fuzzy Carebear pencil holder.

Excuse me. I'm from DARPA. The Defence

Advance Research Project Agency...

...with instructions to tour this facility.

-So l--

-May I see some lD?

Here.

See Department of Defence.

She's with DARPA.

I'm with her.

All settings are the same.

They haven't changed a thing.

Dr. Steve, this is only

a Jansky-based telescope.

Part of what used to be called a vast array.

Used to?

I see you had to use enormous thrust.

Where's the Klystron?

Hold on, I'll see what they did with it.

-Good evening, Olaf.

-Good evening.

It's nice to have Dr. Mills back.

-What do you mean?

-He's in his lab now.

In his lab?

There's nothing powerful enough

to have broken through our shields.

It's clear how the reflectors work.

They're not equipped to discover

this kind of power for another century.

How did they get it so fast?

I mean, they haven't even

figured out Stonehenge.

He must be holding something back.

Dr. Steve is lying.

Who are you?

Who? Me?

What are you doing here?

Where's Mills?

Get away from my equipment.

I've got to be on my way home.

I've got to get home to that good pie.

Just grab the handrail there.

Welcome to my office.

Sender number KD113B.

Just like all the rest of them,

but it's mine.

Did you ever think what you were doing

by invading another galaxy?

It wasn't an invasion.

Here was this galaxy,

minding its own business.

Perhaps a galaxy where war

no longer exists.

People all live in harmony.

Things don't go around

with such whizzings.

You're shaking. Why?

Because I've wanted to kiss you

from the first moment I saw you.

What?

You looked so beautiful and vulnerable,

then you started rhyming...

...and doing all that talking

and singing and stuff and....

I just wanted to use everything I know

about radar astronomy to protect you.

Would you mind if I kissed you?

Does it hurt?

Not the way I do it.

I have never felt anything like that

in my entire life.

Do I now have to eat the chocolate

from Pennsylvania?

Listen, I think we'd better get out of here.

Are you sure you've told me everything

about the transmission?

I think so. But perhaps we should

explore it a little further.

I'd better take you home.

No, that's too far.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes