My Stepmother Is an Alien Page #3

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We must go to your place.

-Are you feeling what I'm feeling?

-More.

I'm dreaming.

"Life could be a dream

"Sha-boom"

As your great poet says.

Welcome to the Mills residence.

What is this?

Hats.

This one is a collector's item.

Actually belonged to Jimmy Durante.

Who?

"Goodnight Mrs. Calabash,

wherever you are."

He was a song and dance man

in the movies.

Come on in, this is the palace.

Help yourself. Sit down. Steal an ashtray.

I have to go check on Jessie.

Please don't leave...

...or otherwise I'll be forced to crawl up

under my bed and suck dust forever.

So what's going on here?

Could it be that he really doesn't know

how he made the transmission?

-What's that?

-Canine.

Highly revered on this planet.

Usually found

in the company of fire hydrants.

Now look, Dr. Steve's lying.

Don't leave him alone.

But he doesn't even care

about that anymore.

Didn't you see during that kissing thing?

His skin got hot and his heartbeat went up.

And suddenly there was

a lot more of him down there.

It's an act.

Government types on this planet

are trained to lie.

Go find him. He may be burning papers

right this minute!

Oh, God!

She's beautiful, isn't she?

Who is she?

My daughter, Jessie.

Short.

Short? She's only 13.

Thirteen?

How old does she look?

Six, seven hundred, just short.

Why don't we go in here?

My bedroom?

Well, you said you wanted to talk.

Why go all the way downstairs?

Say, do you think I'm a billionaire?

Or somebody on television or somebody

who's really important or something?

You're Steven Mills, Ph.D.

A very obscure physicist

who makes $25,000 a year.

And you still want to go in here?

Yowza.

Yowza?

You make me laugh.

I mean, you're the first person that has

really made me laugh since....

Look, if we do go in there, you know,

I might probably want to do more kissing.

Surely. It was very pleasant.

But I hope that's not all you want to do.

Remember me?

You're so wonderful.

You're funny, you're intelligent

and you understand my work...

...and now you want to have sex.

I wanna have sex?

Don't you?

Do you?

Yes!

Well, I do, too.

As soon as I find out what it is.

-I have to go to the bathroom.

-Of course.

What is sex?

-What?

-"What?" You heard what I said.

What is sex?

Give me a second.

One second. Take a look at this.

Deleted.

What good is deleted?

Now, don't get excited. Just a second.

One little second. Here it is.

Your penis is a weapon.

Just like your rifle.

The military expects you to protect it

and keep it dry.

All right, men, if you'll open your manuals.

-What? Is that it?

-Take it easy.

Here's something else.

What does this mean,

Debbie Does Dallas?

Debbie Does Des Moines.

Debbie Does Dsseldorf.

Busy girl, that Debbie.

What's this?

Look behind you.

I can do that. I guess.

I don't believe it.

Why, that's disgusting.

I can't, that right there.

Look, that's the most weirdest thing

I've ever seen.

That's why we gave it up

You think I could do that?

Sure. Except for fuel

you're human inside and out.

But do you want to?

The kissing wasn't so bad.

You're not leaving me here!

Yes, I am.

I have been ordered to stay with you

at all times, to observe everything you do!

Forget it.

B*tch!

My God, you're beautiful.

Are you all right?

Yes, don't stop.

Do you see....

Dr. Steve, that was so wonderful.

I feel like I've been hit by a train.

And I don't think you need to call me

Dr. Steve anymore.

Steve, you're so stupid. We could have

been doing this the whole time.

We only met three hours ago.

I know. What took you so long?

Do others know about this?

About us? I don't see how they could.

No, about making love.

You could become very famous if

others in the world knew you could do this.

-Really?

-Yes.

Didn't think I did it any differently

than anybody else.

You mean everybody does this?

Think of all the energy produced.

Properly channelled that energy could

propel half your people out of the galaxy.

We did some computer runs in the lab...

...and figured if we could harness

the energy output from...

...the male members of the Sheen family

we could put the state of lllinois on Pluto.

I really don't think I can

do this again so soon.

Yes, you can.

-Celeste?

-What?

Celeste, why me?

Because you're sensitive...

...and you're an outsider...

...and you worked so hard

to get through M.l.T....

...and you have two Ph.D.'s

and a delightful innocence.

Just all the qualities of a dreamer.

I know you had some really bad luck

five years ago when...

...your wife died and left you

with a daughter, Jessie, 13.

That's who the short person was.

Wait a minute.

Where'd you get all those details?

I can read it. In your eyes.

That's kid's stuff.

This is no help.

Whiteside, I'm here to spend

Christmas with you.

I think.

I may stay a month...

...or I may leave immediately.

I don't know. Things are so uncertain.

"Did you ever have the feeling

you wanted to go

"And still had the feeling

that you wanted to stay

"You knew it was right, wasn't wrong

still you knew you wouldn't be very long

"It's tough to have the feeling

you wanted to go

"Still have the feeling that you

wanted to stay, start to go

"Change your mind start and go again

But changed your mind again

"Did you ever have the feeling

you wanted to go

"Still have the feeling

you wanted to stay

"Do Re Mi Fa So La Si Do

"I go

-"I'll stay"

-Shut up you reform school fugitive.

Whiteside, I love ya. I love ya.

Dave, bon apptit.

Dave, how are you

and your 1,000 fleas this morning?

Are you okay?

Yes, I'm okay.

Jessie, Celeste.

Celeste, my daughter, Jessie.

I know.

You stayed here?

Just overnight.

But dad...

...that's fabulous.

I gotta go.

Be true to your school.

Happy short person. Daughter.

Almost as happy as her old man.

Who is that?

Me.

Yes, I am happy, too.

I think....

Yes?

Will I scare you if I tell you I love you?

Not unless you hit me at the same time.

I'm serious.

So am l.

Then let's go away.

Let's go to San Francisco.

-Or Vancouver? Or Anchorage?

-No, I have to leave tonight.

Leave? Where you going?

Home.

To the Netherlands?

You can call it Holland now.

I know what you mean. Yes.

When are you going to be back?

No, I'm never coming back.

Never coming back? Why?

Why can't you ever come back?

-Well l--

-Celeste.

I hate to sound desperate,

but this news makes me sound desperate.

I'm desperate. Celeste,

I know this is sudden...

...but you're the most incredible thing

that's ever happened to me.

I look in your face

and I can't believe what I feel for you.

I'm hopelessly, insanely, out of my mind

in love with you. I can't let you go.

Walk out of my life. I mean, I can't.

Not now, not ever.

Without you there is no life.

And?

Will you marry me?

Marry you?

Yes. Please.

This is a strange development.

I know it's sudden and quick and all.

Not if you consider

I've been waiting five years for you.

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