My Stepmother Is an Alien Page #4

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You see, before I met you

all I could think about was science.

Now I can't even think about that anymore.

All I care about is you.

Your eyes, your skin, your hair, your face.

Do you think you could think

about science if we got married?

If only I knew you were going to be

with me and you weren't going anywhere.

I know it's kinda sudden and everything,

so I'll tell you what.

Why don't you take a short walk

and think about it?

Okay, I'll think it over.

You're not going out like that,

are you?

No. Of course not.

She's an original. She's gotta say yes.

You said you'd prepare me for 24 hours,

and here it's only been 12 hours.

You didn't tell me "spinach,"

you didn't tell me "kiss"...

...you didn't tell me "have sex,"

and what about "marry"?

Do things always happen

so fast on this planet?

I don't think so. You can't walk

down the street looking like this.

Yes, I can. I know how this planet works.

They'll think I'm starting

some kind of trend or something.

I want you to contact the Council and

I want them here, I want them here now!

Why here?

They said they needed an open field.

I found it in the phone book.

What goes on here?

Is it Christians and lions?

Wrong time frame.

-Where is the transmission?

-We're making progress, sir.

Our gravity has increased threefold!

Does the subject suspect who you are?

-No.

-Does the girl?

She saw Celeste put magazines into me

and a dress come out.

Kill her!

Don't worry. She's nothing.

Short, inexperienced, just a daughter.

-But we do have one problem.

-Yes?

The subject says he will be

unable to think about science...

...unless he marries me!

Well, marry him!

But we don't know what "marry" is.

One moment.

Yes, the Mondschein 40 says

marriage is this:

"He goes off to fight the Turks,

and you put on a lock. "

Yes. Wrong century.

Marriage is this:

"You cook and clean

and bring him martinis. "

Wrong again? This is ridiculous.

Yes, wrong decade. Too old fashioned.

"The modern marriage:

There are no rules or responsibilities.

"But if he does something wrong,

you can set him on fire while he sleeps.

"And go on a talk show where

everyone will forgive you and love you. "

There's only one drawback,

you'll have to have more sex.

I'll do it.

Immediately.

Yes, sir. I know tomorrow's the last day

the reflectors are in line for 19 months.

What if there is no lightning?

We will provide the lightning.

Just keep that man fed

and keep his feet clean.

You're fading.

Yes, I know, it's our gravity.

Now remember, you are our last hope.

If we don't get that transmission from him,

our planet is doomed.

Yes, sir.

But daddy, this is so quick.

I mean, you only met her last night.

It was the same with your mother.

-At least with mom you waited a week.

-Your mother and I knew on the first night.

Are you crazy? You don't know

a thing about her.

-I know all I need to know.

-I've already gone through this, Uncle Ron.

She's after your money!

Ron, I don't even have a ball of lint

and a lead slug to rub together.

She's got a trust fund.

She has a trust fund?

You know, I don't get it.

Why does this happen to you?

I know! Citizenship!

She wants citizenship.

She wants to take jobs away from

Americans and give 'em to Dutch people!

Yeah, that's why she's here.

But it's so unfair.

I mean, you know....

It's my own brother marrying

the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

And he met her at my apartment.

Ron, I appreciate your concern.

This is something I really want.

Haven't you wanted something so much

that nothing else mattered?

It's your wedding, I'm gonna tell you.

There's only one woman in the world

that I will ever marry.

Princess Stephanie of Monaco.

Really?

I never knew you had a thing for her.

What makes her the lucky lady?

Because she's the most perfect

woman in the world.

She'd have nothing to do with me.

Ron, brush up on your French lessons

and your tennis, maybe it'll happen.

But right now I'm going to marry

my Princess Stephanie. So wish me luck.

You've had too much luck already.

Where did she get a wedding dress

on two hours notice?

Does she just carry one around with her,

in case of emergencies?

I hope so. Now would you go downstairs

and please be best man?

-Uncle Ron, go!

-You wanna see my date? She's 6 foot 2.

Okay.

Go and tell Celeste it's time.

I'll have to leave you on the chair.

Can't you wear me?

No, I'd look too strange.

I'm so hungry.

Good thing we stopped

at the hardware store.

D-cells. Primitive, but nutritious.

-Dad, she ate batteries!

-What?

She took three "D" batteries

out of a paper bag and ate them.

She flattened them

like a Tootsie Roll wrapper.

And she was talking to

someone who wasn't even in the room.

I love you more than anyone else

in the world.

-Nothing's going to come between us.

-Daddy, she ate batteries.

Jessie, I want you to stop this right now.

Back off, Alpo breath.

Dearly beloved....

Sit! Roll over! Play dead!

I've only known Celeste for eight minutes,

but I can tell she has love for Steve...

...who I've also known for eight minutes.

You're digging your own grave, Fido.

And do you Celeste van Martin...

...take Steven Mills...

...to be your lawfully wedded husband?

In sickness....

For richer and or poorer,

til death do you part?

-I do.

-I now pronounce you man and wife.

"I'm looking over my dead dog Rover"

-Get that dog down!

-You left me alone again!

I was getting married!

Honey!

What happened?

Maybe it's a Dutch custom. They say

"I do," bolt for the lawn and start digging.

Maybe she's planting tulip bulbs.

Honey, how on earth

did Dave get up there! Look!

Dave! Don't move!

Volunteers! Jeff, Woody!

May I be the first to kiss the bride?

Sure.

I got him!

Where'd you get this dress?

It's him! Quick, dad, the brush!

I'm coming. Here it is. I've got it here.

The brush.

Okay. Easy.

My God, you look beautiful.

Thanks, dad. I hope he likes me.

I hope you like him.

Hi. I'm Fred. The date.

These are for you, doll.

Thank you.

I'm Steve, Jessie's dad.

-This is Mrs. Mills.

-Nice to meet you.

Mouth jewellery.

Right, my braces.

My wife's from Holland, so....

You wore flats. Great.

Have a great time.

She'll be safe with me, sir.

Bye.

Did that kid look shifty to you?

Hadn't you better get back to work now?

What? You gotta be kidding,

on our wedding night?

I don't think so.

God, I love you!

-Hello.

-Lucas Budlong, please.

It's for you.

Hello.

-Budlong, is that you?

-Yes.

This is Carl Sagan.

Carl Sagan?

It's Carl Sagan.

I'm assigned to the President's Committee

on Extraterrestrials...

...the Most Important

None More Secret Committee.

No, I didn't know that.

Of course. And he has personally

authorised me to instruct you...

...to put Dr. Steve Mills back to work at

Haddonkirk Laboratories tomorrow.

-Mills? But he almost blew the place--

-Shut up, Budlong.

No arguments.

We can't afford to waste

billions and billions of dollars.

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