My Stepmother Is an Alien Page #5

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Have I made myself clear, Meathead?

Yes. I....

-And how's Skippy?

-She's fine.

Tell her I asked after her.

A beautiful, desirable woman.

Yes, sir.

Who is Carl Sagan?

Bravo, Bag.

Now we've got to get Dr. Steve

something to eat.

You're right. He should have no excuses

not to work.

Hands on the wheel!

That's what we need.

$416.80.

What's this?

It's a diamond.

I'm sorry, we don't take diamonds

at this branch. Money only.

Haven't you got anything smaller?

What did I just do?

It's called a sneeze. From the flour.

But only humans are supposed to do it.

What did it feel like?

Very funny.

Very good. Very liberating.

This is my house.

I actually had a good time.

Maybe we can do it again sometime.

Maybe next time we can even dance.

-I am starving.

-Okay.

Just what I needed.

I could have a banquet down this block.

We've got work to do.

All right.

Did you see Uncle Ron's new invention?

It's an all-snap shirt where

the snaps look like buttons. Great?

Except they rust in the wash.

-Good morning, dear.

-Good morning.

-I made you breakfast, my family.

-So that's what you've been up to?

Did you sleep well?

Yes.

Did you?

Hello.

Dr. Budlong.

How are you?

Fine. Thank you.

No, I don't know Dr. Sagan personally.

The President's Most Secret

None More Secret?

I've been thinking, too.

About the explosion

and the damage and everything.

Really? You mean it?

When can I start back?

No, not today. Today's my honeymoon.

A foreign gal.

She's a head-spinner.

Fine.

Thank you. Surely you and Skippy

must remember from your own experience.

This is Mrs. Mills. lgnore my husband

on anything but science.

He'll be there in 15 minutes.

Maybe less. Yes, bye.

Sweetie, wait a minute. I don't wanna

go to work today. It's our honeymoon.

I wanna clean the place up for you.

I'll clean the house so you don't see a dust.

I'm Dutch. Did you ever see

a dirty street in Hague?

We are ready to clean.

Great, let's do it together.

And we can watch my Durante tapes.

Let's put an end

to this silly argument right now.

I'll arm-wrestle you for it. Winner cleans.

You sure you really want to do this?

Come on.

One, two, three. Okay, lady wins.

Now let's eat right up and get to work.

That's quite a forearm you've got there.

And remember the thrust.

Four hundred megawatts and lightning

isn't enough to go extragalactic.

-What's this?

-Your martini. Would you like one, dear?

No, thank you.

And finally your turkey.

Dig right in.

Eat fast, solve all your problems,

and fulfil yourself. I'll make the beds.

Quite a spread.

Daddy, don't you think

this is pretty strange?

Your stepmother's just full of surprises.

I know how happy you are...

...and I wouldn't do anything in the world

to get in the way of that happiness.

-But last night, after my date--

-Your date?

How'd your date go?

Fine, but Dad, I saw her drink

the battery juice from your Honda.

Jessie!

Not only that, I saw her lift

a burning hot pan with her bare hands!

Now I wish I didn't have to go to the lab.

-Your new mother--

-Stepmother!

Stepmother loves you very much.

She's concerned that she won't fit in

around here.

She knows there'll be problems--

Dad, if the car won't start, will you

at least give me the benefit of the doubt?

Nothing happened, Jess.

You must have dreamed it.

-Bye.

-Not you.

We do the rest of the house in 14 seconds.

Then Council provides the lightning.

He does the transmission...

...and we head the 92 light years home.

Setty Lab. This is Mills.

Dad, come home right away.

The house is on fire.

You can't leave now! What if we get rain?

Jessie!

Stay away from me.

No, it's not what you think.

You are an alien!

Oh, my God!

And you!

Quiet!

-Bag, let her down!

-Not yet.

What do you want?

We're from Co-sign into the Eighth.

Ninety-two light years

and two solar systems away.

Your father penetrated our atmosphere

with a radar beam nine days ago.

We must duplicate that transmission

in 12 hours...

...or our civilisation will be destroyed.

Is that why you're here?

But he doesn't know how he did it!

-We assume that's a lie.

-No, it's not.

You should know him well enough

to know he doesn't lie.

Could that be the truth?

Could it be it was just an accident?

No! The teenager is lying, too.

No, I don't think so.

We have to find out

or we'll never be able to leave.

Leave? But what about my father?

He loves you. For the first time

in five years he loves someone.

You're gonna kill that in him.

He'll never recover.

Celeste doesn't care. Right, Celeste?

Right, Celeste?

Right.

If you don't say anything,

we'll let you down.

No, we won't!

I'm in charge of this mission.

Will you not tell your father

until we've gone?

Yes, just don't hurt him.

-Let her down.

-Celeste!

Let her down!

That wasn't necessary.

Give the dog back his bark.

Celeste, your attitude sucks.

-Ciao, baby.

-What's this about a fire?

Daddy!

You said there was a fire!

What's going on?

I had to say there was a fire.

What was I to say?

"The living room's spotless, come home."

Why did you call me? Why did you lie?

I had to. Daddy, you married a person

from another planet.

Celeste doesn't come from Holland.

She comes from a place 92 light years

and two solar systems away.

Not again. You're going in for counselling.

She does. She took away Dave's bark

and put me on the ceiling for ten minutes.

Celeste is not from another planet.

Your stepmother is not an alien.

I mean, please, this is a fantasy.

Don't you think I know aliens?

It's my business to know.

Why do we never see her eat or sleep?

And how come we suddenly get

a new living room in one afternoon?

And inside that bag there's a horrible eye.

Just like why my car wouldn't start

this morning?

Just look inside.

I come home from the lab

to look in a purse.

Lipstick. Passion pink.

Mascara. Unusual for a purse, isn't it?

Q-tips. An eye!

Jessie, there's no eye in here.

She made it disappear.

There was one in there.

And she did lift up the bacon

without a potholder.

And what about all that food

she cooked for breakfast?

You don't have an answer

and you won't believe me.

And she's gonna be gone in 12 hours,

and why won't you listen to me?

Now, honey, come on. Jessie, come here.

Jessie, where are you going?

Come back here, Jessie.

Get off the street!

Jessie, you bring that bike back here now!

Hey, come on.

-Stop!

-What's wrong?

Come on!

I'm sorry, I didn't see her. Is she all right?

She's okay.

I didn't see her.

It's all right.

You gave yourself away to save my life.

I'll be right back.

Do you really have to go?

It's the same on both our planets.

Just when you get to know someone

they have to leave.

My mom, I mean, my first mom,

had to leave, too.

I know you have to go.

This isn't your home. I understand that.

Can you at least wait till morning?

I'll try.

Where's your spaceship?

Behind your moon, Steve.

What do you do up there?

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