My Stepmother Is an Alien Page #6

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Meditate? Plan how to break hearts?

If you know what they are.

We are where you will be in 55 centuries.

If you make it.

I'm 1,296 years old.

We reproduce by synthesis in a petri dish.

We use 104 percent of our brain capacity

as opposed to your 36 percent.

Our lives are spent in perfect harmony...

...improving our civilisation with none of

the erratic highs and lows you have here.

I see. Sort of like Switzerland.

Why do you reproduce in a petri dish?

We learned that sex was

inefficient and messy.

So you got rid of it, just like that?

I must admit, we were a little hasty

on that one.

You mean I married a virgin?

Mother would be proud.

Don't you ever do stuff like

go on vacation?

Sure we do.

What do you do on vacation?

Math.

What do you do to have fun?

Graphs.

We go to warm places together

and hold hands.

It's too bad you don't eat food.

You might find it could be

quite pleasurable.

You get pleasure out of food?

-Here.

-No, thank you.

If you want my secrets

you'll eat my sandwich.

Chew!

This is fun. What is it?

Ham and cheese on rye with mayo.

And I love the way it feels

against the roof of my mouth...

...and the sides of my tongue.

This is fun.

Here, wash it down.

This makes me smile, too.

Seagram's Scotch Whiskey.

Celeste?

Did you ever like me?

Steve, of course I did. I do.

It wasn't just physics?

No. If I were an Earth person

I would do exactly what we did.

-It might have taken a little longer, but--

-Then why can't you stay?

I just can't.

What if I never sent

the transmission again?

Then nobody would be able

to use it against you ever.

Unfortunately that's not the history

of your planet.

And if you don't do that transmission,

my planet will die.

-Are you mad at me?

-Mad?

I'm furious. I'm confused, I'm upset,

I'm frustrated, I'm furious!

You're everything I ever wanted

in a human and an extraterrestrial.

If I send the transmission,

which I don't know how to do...

...and save your planet, I lose you.

If I don't send it,

you stay but I kill a whole planet.

But I'd make a lousy Earth person.

I made way too much breakfast,

and the dog hates me.

The dog loves you. We all love you.

Don't you see, that's why it's so hard.

That's why I'm so torn apart.

I feel like Durante.

"Did you ever have the feeling

that you wanted to go

"Still had the feeling

that you wanted to stay

"Knew it was right wasn't wrong

"Go stay, stay go"

That's exactly how I feel.

You know this song?

I feel just like you and Durante.

I don't wanna go, but I can't stay.

I feel only one way.

I want you to stay.

Boy, talk about being tied to your work.

I spend my whole career trying to prove

there's life on other planets...

...and when I find it, I marry it.

Lightning.

You shocked me.

Static electricity.

The metal in Ron's snaps.

Snaps.

Ron's buttons.

The cage around the Klystron.

That's the wild card! Come on.

He knows.

He's a true scientist.

You realise, of course, as soon as

we've made contact we'll have to leave.

-I'm aware of that.

-Right after we kill them.

-Kill them?

-Not just them. The whole thing.

What do you call it? Earth.

We're not killing anybody.

We'll get what we need

and leave Earth as we found it.

I'm afraid not.

We're wiping out everything.

People, land mass, water.

The Council has told me to take care of it.

We're not going to do anything.

Eight minutes after he

transmits that signal...

...here's Earth!

Jessie, sweetie! It's time.

Come on, get up.

Be careful.

Ron, it's Celeste.

Celeste! It's Ron!

Ron, it's just not working out.

Steve and I simply aren't compatible.

What?

Our physical relationship

just isn't what it should be.

I need to talk to someone.

I need to talk to you.

About your physical relationship?

Could you come to the lab, and we

could discuss these matters of the flesh?

The flesh? Yes, sure.

But, I mean, he's my brother.

But we don't need to tell

Steve everything.

And Ron, would you mind

doing me a little favour?

I left my purse in the bedroom at home.

Bye.

This is terrible. What am I going to do?

He's my own brother!

This is terrible. My own brother!

And yet.

Where've you been all day?

This rain could stop at any minute.

Grady, we need a conductor. A conductor.

Solid tin.

Next year when they give out

that Nobel Prize...

...I'll be up there, and I'll tell them about--

Steve, darling.

See what did it? Ronnie put his jacket

on the chair and it had brass buttons.

It was a short circuit.

Electrical impulse bouncing between

the Klystron and the fried buttons.

It threw the power way beyond

Telescope's all set, Dr. Mills.

You won't forget to tell Dr. Sagan

how helpful I've been?

Carl Sagan? Sure.

Now all we need is the lightning.

Watch the monitors.

That's where the action is.

All right, put these on.

Put those on.

Okay, set your attractors.

Set your attractors.

Steve, I have to talk to you.

Bag!

You've signed your own

death warrant, sister!

-Prepare to initiate the system.

-Prepare to initiate the system.

I've got to. I want to kill myself.

-I'm in love with your wife.

-What?

Steve, the reflectors.

Ready!

Now!

Jesus!

Great! Nothing's changed here!

Daddy, look!

I know!

I'll be damned!

We did it again!

Science!

Steve, didn't you hear what I said?

I am in love with your wife.

She's in love with me.

It's a whole thing. We gotta talk.

Get rid of that bag.

The bag?

That bag will destroy your planet.

Babe, I love ya, we'll get rid of the bag.

I mean, what's in it?

A little eyeliner, a little lipstick,

a little eye.

Lights out!

T-minus ten seconds and counting.

Ten, nine, eight....

I am indestructible.

Seven, six, five, four, three....

You do a woman a favour

and the eye in her purse attacks you.

Is the pocketbook dead?

Of course, you nincompoop.

Please, step outside.

I'm in hell! This is hell!

The transmission was a success.

Our gravity has already begun to revert.

We have been saved.

Why has this planet not been dispatched?

You never said you were going

to destroy this place.

We must! They know how to destroy us.

Council, Dr. Mills never meant

to hurt anyone.

There are too many strange and

good things that go on here to destroy it.

They have war, they have indifference,

they have suffering.

Yes, but they also have jitterbugs.

-Jitterbugs?

-Frivolous!

And children.

Jokes. And ham and cheese

on rye with mayo!

Mediocre.

And making love.

And sneezes.

Sneezes?

And Jimmy Durante!

Jimmy?

Show me Jimmy.

They want to see Jimmy.

Come on.

Grady.

Jimmy Durante from

The Man Who Came To Dinner.

Hello, up there,

you omnipotent superbeings...

...from some other dimensional planet.

Hit it!

"Did you ever have the feeling

that you wanted to go

"But still had the feeling

that you wanted to stay

"You knew it was right wasn't wrong

Still you know you wouldn't be very long

"It's tough to have the feeling

that you wanted to go

"Still had the feeling

that you wanted to stay

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