My Super Ex-Girlfriend Page #2

- Don't do what? What are you talking about?

You mean this?

Hey!

Sexual harassment's a two-way street. Don't

think cos I'm a guy you can manhandle me.

Hey! What the hell's going on here?

- Oh, no. Sorry, her...

- Steve.

Her computer had gone down.

I was plugging it back in.

- I'm screwing with you. I'm not worried.

- Oh. None taken.

- I missed you.

- I missed you too.

- Not here!

- Sorry.

See, Saunders? You need to be with someone

who appreciates you, like Steve here.

Yeah. I'm looking for Mr. Right.

Haven't found him yet, though. Not given up.

- Steve Ballard. Nice to meet you.

- This is Matt. You've met him, like, five times.

- Oh, right, right. Sorry.

- It's OK. I'm a very forgettable person.

When I was growing up, I'd come down

to breakfast and Mom would scream,

call the cops on me.

- It's a joke, right? Yeah.

- Yeah.

- It's a good one. Got me back.

- Hey, baby, we should be going to lunch.

Hey, Saunders, that woman is trouble.

Do not call her.

- OK, we're done.

- What happened? We just started.

That's it. No. I got a twinge.

Dude, you should definitely call her back.

- Yeah? You think I should?

- Oh, yeah.

Cos she's good to go.

And you haven't gone in six months.

Oh, yes. Plus, what's the downside?

I don't know. She seems a little, uh...

She's neurotic, you know. And distant.

That's good. That's a good thing.

Neurotic and distant is a very good thing.

Yeah, neurotic women are hellcats in bed.

Plus, if she's distant,

you're both in it for the same thing.

Coitus maximus.

There's no, "Could she be the one? I'm falling

hard for her" kind of crap to get in the way.

It's just pure carnal nirvana.

- Your argument's repugnant and intriguing.

- That's kind of my thing.

- Oh, hey.

- Hi. Oh, wow. Thank you.

- You're welcome.

- A rose.

Different color roses mean different things.

Red ones mean passion or love,

so this is great.

But I'm not saying I think

you're telling me that you love me.

I mean, it's absurdly early for that.

But you never know. Maybe someday.

Or never. No pressure.

Let me get us a cab. Taxi.

Taxi!

Hey, it's stopping.

Here we go.

You OK?

At least we got a ride.

Can we stop by the gallery?

We opened a new show.

Sounds great.

Hey, thanks for stopping. Appreciate it.

Wow.

Wonder what she's looking at.

Ouch! That's gotta hurt.

So what do you think?

It's interesting. And a little disturbing.

I know. It's surprising

how frightening things attract us.

Matt, I have to help people every day,

and nobody's ever helped me except you.

You're my hero.

I'm sorry. What is it? Tell me.

It's your tongue. You're using it all wrong.

- What are you talking about?

- You shouldn't stick it out like a dead fish.

You're supposed to flick it a little.

I think that I was flicking it, wasn't I?

I was doing that.

- No. Not enough.

- Really?

I'm not used to having my tongue skills

critiqued like this, OK?

Maybe not to your face.

Oh, man.

Let me help you.

Close your eyes.

Now do what I do.

So, uh... this is my place.

I redesigned the space when I bought it.

- It's nice.

- Thank you.

This is the dining room.

Doesn't get a lot of use.

- Well, I could help with that.

- OK.

This is my fish. That's Biggie Smalls.

Hi, Biggie.

He's... he's never met a woman before.

Well, he's about to get an eyeful.

- Will you show me the rest of your place?

- OK.

I'll take you over to the kitchen.

That's the refrigerator.

I can get you a juice, a beer.

I'll make you anything. Yeah.

I'm not thirsty either.

- And this is the, uh...

- Bed.

Oh, that's a great sweater. Wow.

What a blouse.

Let me help with those buttons.

- I'm sorry. I need the, um...

- Oh, yeah. The bathroom? It's right there.

She goes to the bathroom a lot.

I'm ready.

That's what I call structural integrity.

All right! You should have

been dressed like that all night.

You look great.

Let me help you with this.

Ooh.

- I must be a little nervous.

- It's OK.

I got a closet full of 'em.

Let me handle this one, though.

- Let's take care of these.

- OK.

Thanks.

Who'd have thought we'd have ended up

like this after that day on the subway?

Ain't life grand?

- Matt?

- Yeah?

Do you mind if I get on top?

Trust me, it's better that way.

Are you ready?

- OK.

- OK.

Here we go.

Wow.

OK, I get it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoo! Whoo!

Oh, goddamn!

OK, now I need a break.

Agh!

I'm sorry. I'll get you a new one.

- A bed or a penis?

- Both.

There are three moments

I will remember until the day I die.

One, the look on my father's face

when I graduated from Harvard Law School.

Two, helping a beached

mother whale give birth.

And three,

you and me together, here, tonight.

Don't speak to me again, ever.

Uh-oh. Oh, no.

Water, please. Got a big night.

No, no, no.

Don't tell me. You have invaded the

female nation and spread your democracy.

What can I say? She's completely

different than I thought she was.

- Hot, though, right?

- Unbelievably hot.

I don't even know if I should tell you this.

I don't know if you can handle it.

I can handle it. Please?

- She broke my bed.

- Wow.

Busted it to pieces.

- And that's a good thing, right?

- Yeah. That's a good thing.

- I'm gonna see her again today.

- What are you talking about?

No! You have sex with her once

and then you move on.

Not if you get on the greatest ever roller

coaster, you don't. You get back in that line.

Get in line, ride two or three more times,

throw your hands in the air and scream.

But soon you're gonna end up nauseous.

Hey, guys.

- How are you guys doing?

- Keep that safety bar clamped down.

OK, I think you are gonna like this.

I have a little present for you, Saunders.

- Anything for me there?

- No. No, Vaughn.

- You have nice ears.

- Thank you.

- No lobes, though.

- An imperfection. We all got 'em.

Not me. Hey, so I downloaded some

Chinese phrases for you, for the presentation.

- What do you think? Thought it might help.

- That's great.

- I thought it would help.

- You're the best, you know that?

I know. I am.

Well, I gotta get going.

I'm going to see Jenny.

- You're seeing Jenny? Again?

- Yeah. Yeah.

- Oh. Things must really be going well.

- She broke his bed.

Thanks. That was really thoughtful of you.

- Oh, no problem.

- I'll see you two later.

- See you, Matt.

- Look after her, OK?

I will.

- Man, he's seeing Jenny again?

- Just a few more times.

- Matt Saunders? We're gonna take a ride.

- Wait a second! Hey! Wait!

Hey, now, look.

I don't appreciate being manhandled...

What's going on?

- Mr. Saunders, thank you for your time.

- OK. Now, who are you?

Who am I? Do you watch television,

Mr. Saunders? Read the papers?

- Use the net for anything other than porn?

- You're that Bedlam guy.

- Professor Bedlam.

- The "supervillain".

Please, I am not super, I am not a villain.

I'm just a regular man, like yourself,

with 10,000 times more money,

intelligence and taste.

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