My Town

1

AMBER:
I know I haven't written for a long time.

But let's face it,

life in Wheelerville, is not exactly

life as we know it on this planet.

For a long time, there just wasn't anything worth writing about.

And then it happened.

Lucas woke up one morning with an idea so weird,

everyone thought he'd gone nuts.

He was gonna make Wheelerville the way it used to be.

Mainly, full of people.

He was gonna get the people from the city

and to make them wanna come,

the bank would loan them money

to fulfill their wildest dreams.

Dreams they couldn't afford to make happen in the city.

Whatever they wanted to be,

they could be it in Wheelerville, Ohio.

Told you it was weird.

The bank thought so too,

but it didn't matter.

Since Lucas is the president, Lucas got his way.

The Nesbitts were the first.

He was a computer analyst in Chicago

who always wanted to farm.

The bank set him up in business

even though he told Lucas

he'd never even been on a farm.

He should have told him he'd never been on a tractor either.

Mr. Chadway was next.

He'd been a reporter for The New York Times,

but what he really wished for

was to someday publish his own paper.

So Lucas loaned him the bucks and for the first few days,

he was still wishing he could someday publish his own paper.

The rest of the summer was pretty much the same.

People showing up from all over the country.

Half of them expecting to find

Barney Fife and Arnold the Pig.

Take the Fishers.

They're from LA.

He was in advertising. She was an interior designer.

So why did they come to Wheelerville?

To open a diner.

A diner!

(DOG BARKING)

(POP MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

AMBER:
At least their lives are changing.

I've been in the same Wheelerville rut for 14 years.

It wouldn't be so bad if there was somebody

to talk to about things.

Forget my friends.

Bring up anything deeper than Madonna's wedding

and they get brain deaf.

Tug's just too young,

Lucas is too busy,

and Mrs. McDaniel...

MRS. MCDANIEL:
Amber Wheeler,

you get down here this instant, do you hear me?

AMBER:
She's too involved giving herself a heart attack.

I never will understand why

Mom didn't come get us when Daddy died...

But I sure could use her now.

MRS. MCDANIEL:
Amber!

(MUSIC STOPS)

Why this family can't get to meals on time is beyond me.

Close your mouth.

I've got a whole lot more to do around this house

than wait on people. A whole lot.

Relax! The soaps don't start for another hour.

Don't get smart with me, Tug Wheeler.

Greetings, everybody!

Well, now I have a feeling that this is gonna be

one fine, fine day.

What's left of it.

(LAUGHING) Come on.

Bye.

Where are you going? What about breakfast?

Oh, I'm not eating breakfast this year.

Biology is my first class.

Yeah, you're gonna be dissecting frog guts and everything.

You're disgusting.

Could I borrow some money, Lucas?

I gotta get new clothes.

I just gave you some money for some new clothes.

I know but the thing is,

I kind of don't have it anymore.

What happened to it?

It's kinda complicated, Lucas.

She spent it all on gross tapes.

Thanks, slug face.

I like to think of music as

clothes for the soul.

Ah, well now, that's a real nice way to look at it, Amber.

Then you'll give me the money?

No.

Fine. I just hope you're prepared

for the emotional scarring that's gonna result

after I'm ridiculed about these embarrassing rags.

Billy Fisher says it's her hormones.

They're all screwed up or something.

Why are you leaving so early?

I gotta meet Billy.

We're walking.

He's never walked to school before!

Never!

(LUCAS CLEARS THROAT)

What is the big deal

about having tablecloths and flowers?

It'll put people off!

That's absurd!

Look, Cynthia,

I didn't spend 12 years in the advertising business for nothing.

I know what people want.

Your biggest client sold sporting goods, Hal.

The next time I've got athlete's foot,

you can give me all the advice you want.

(CHUCKLES)

Look, Hal,

this was supposed to be a joint venture.

Bye!

Bye, Billy.

Bye, kiddo.

Fifty-fifty, you said.

I left a good job too, you know.

I appreciate that, but I have all the expertise

about small towns.

You read a book, Hal.

One book!

It was a very informative book.

Look, Cynthia, why are you fighting me on this?

We open in an hour. My dream is about to come true.

Can't you just do it my way this once?

Just try and remember this, Andy of Mayberry.

(SCOFFS)

It may be your dream, but it's my cooking.

Take the rose.

Ow!

What're you doing that for?

Saw it on TV.

Thought that's what you guys did.

Well, I don't, 'cause it's real irritating.

Don't matter to me.

I thought it was a geek move anyway.

Why are your folks arguing?

Just my dad was fighting.

My mom was having a constructive encounter.

It's part of her therapy.

Your mom sees a shrink?

Everyone in LA sees a shrink!

She didn't wanna be in dad's shadow anymore.

My dad's dead.

Got killed in a car crash.

Where's your mom?

I don't know.

You don't know where your mom is?

I said I didn't, didn't I?

Well, how come you call your grandfather, Lucas?

I don't know.

'Cause Amber does.

Well, how come?

She just does!

Race you to school.

It's not fair!

I don't know where school is!

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

Detroit.

Who do you have for PE?

Salter.

She's not so bad.

Yeah. I heard she shaved her mustache.

Wonder what Adams is like for history.

Can't be much.

Who leaves New York for Wheelerville?

Probably a social wart.

Thinks her chances are better here, to get a man.

Boy, was she wrong.

I don't know. What about Mr. Krebs?

He's an old guy, nice-looking.

Down-to-earth.

Yeah, real down-to-earth.

He died two months ago.

San Francisco.

Look, that's them.

Who?

The Slovaks.

They're real weird.

What do you mean?

TUG:
Mr. Larson got a heart attack.

Lucas loaned him money to buy a garage

and they've been here for two whole months

and their garage still hasn't opened.

There's something else.

Something real weird.

Heading for lunch?

Huh?

Oh, hi!

Hi.

Why don't you try Fisher's Diner?

I hear the food's pretty good.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

What do you call this?

A mushroom omelet.

Oh, really?

There aren't any mushrooms in it!

I know. We're out.

Yeah, so, you took it upon yourself to substitute artichoke hearts?

You know, there was nothing wrong with this town

till you started getting creative.

Why can't you just paint by the numbers,

like everybody else?

Hmm?

What's burning?

Six hamburgers, two patty melts

and a grilled cheese sandwich.

Oh, God!

Plate! Plate!

Mark my word, Lucas,

before you get finished with this,

the whole town's gonna be ruined.

Yeah, so Amber tells me.

Uh, now, why don't you loosen up?

Come on. Hey,

I'll tell you what. Um...

Let me take you to lunch here. All right?

Here?

Yeah.

What are you doing?

I'm going to get my hair done.

(SHOUTING) Are you out of your mind?

It's not working for me, Hal.

What about the customers?

It's not fifty-fifty, Hal.

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