My Year Without Sex

What?

It's Dad's birthday.

Happy birthday, Dad!

Argh!

Oh, bugger!

Happy birthday.

I'm sorry

I don't actually speak phone plan.

Do you mind if I put you on hold?

Where's my shirt?

No, no, no. That's fine.

I can't find anything.

All the time in the world.

Ta-dah!

What are you wearing?

It's Casual Clothes Day, Mum.

Georgia gave it to me.

I didn't know what to wear.

- Sweetheart...

- What?

Don't speak with your mouth full.

Good luck.

You can't wear that.

Why not?

One of our operators

will be with you as soon as they can...

You'll freeze.

Thanks for holding.

You're very beautiful, Kylie.

Natalie.

uBHP - 39.95. Resource Pacific - 5.96/u

uand Rio Tinto - 103.98./u

uIn the retail sector: Coles

advanced to 15.49. Woolworths to 18.62.../u

Happy birthday.

Oh... Ross gets chocolate.

I can't believe you've got nits again.

I'm sorry.

Good one, Ruby.

It's nobody's fault.

It's your turn, Louis.

What's that noise?

- Hello?

- Will you leave my ring tones alone?

Hi, Dad.

She's just doing Louis's big tits.

Big nits!

I said big nits.

No, you didn't.

Swear jar! Ah! Oh!

Come on boys, let's go.

Firm wrist and a hard fist.

I found this site on the internet

of people having sex with animals.

What?

Snakes, dogs, a horse.

Cool.

Come on, faster.

Pick it up.

The footy's on!

Paris Hilton's in it! She's hot!

It's not scary or anything.

I'm not scared. The footy's on!

Blake, leave it alone.

No, no, no.

No don't! They'll lose!

They're losers anyway, you gooby giant.

Oh my God. I can't believe

you guys only have one television.

All right, all right,

settle down.

"Adult themes.

Medium level violence.

Nudity.

Occasional coarse language.

uMA-15 plus. "/u

Chloe's four.

I don't think her mum,

or your mum, or your mum,

would want you watching this.

Winona gave it to Blake.

Your daughter wants to go home.

Georgia?

Is she texting you from the lounge room?

I can't believe she's 12 already.

I can't believe she's only 12.

Every time I look at her

I feel like I need to get implants.

They're watching Jaws.

Oh, great. We'll have Ruby

in our bed for a week.

We'll save on swimming lessons.

Kids! Come on, hurry up.

Louis, Ruby, quickly.

Quick sticks, hop in.

Found them.

They say boys do better

in co-ed schools,

but girls do better in single-sex schools.

Well, I've sent my boys

to a private boys' school.

God knows why.

Values. Safety.

I guess you'd lock them

in a small room if you could.

And it makes no difference.

I see as many pregnancies and STDs

from the private schools

as the local techs.

OK.

One Pap test all done.

Thanks.

Anything else I can help you with today?

Jesus. Sorry.

Oh.

Toilet breaks?

Why do they need

all this ridiculous information?

What?

- M.C.R. This is Rosie Singh.

What's this...

Ross, outside call.

Hello?

Natalie, do you know where you are?

Hospital.

That's right, you're in intensive care.

Do you know how you got here?

My mum only had to look at my dad.

Oh yes, she was so lucky.

The ambulance right there.

The doctor right there.

Then the surgeon, who's the best in the

country for aneurysms was right here.

He was all scrubbed up for

another operation that fell through.

I better go. Bye.

Every player on the ground is heading...

to that bounce down.

It's a dangerous spot!

Ohhh!

The margin is three points.

Kayla's Mum took me to dancing class.

Dad was late picking me up.

Chloe pushed Kayla over

when she said dancing was boring.

I'm going to Eve's party.

It's a fairy...

I'd like to see it again.

Did the Skipper initiate

the contact or did White?

Beyond the 30 minute mark of

the last quarter...

with both teams playing

for their seasons.

Jeff White.

Can I have my birthday there

when I'm eight?

It's okay. Come here.

Mum's just sleeping.

Miss.

Oh.

Hey...

Hey, she'll be fine.

We'll be fine.

There's always next season.

Where was I?

Oh, yeah. They're just as likely

to decide to paint the whole place pink

and the first thing we'll know about

it's a bill for thousands of dollars.

Last time I missed one,

because her Ladyship wanted a holiday...

now we live on the Gold Coast,

for Christ sakes. Life is a holiday.

Where was I?

Last time you missed

a body corp meeting.

Jesus.

So?

Yeah... No... It's a train wreck really.

I mean even if Nat's okay,

her job's already gone.

She can't drive.

I can't take any more time off work.

They're...

restructuring, whatever that means.

I don't really know...

what we're going to do.

Sh*t.

It's okay to cry.

Are they offering packages?

If they are,

you should take the money and leave.

Set up a little consultancy.

Hire yourself back to them

at twice the rate.

You can claim your mortgage

as a tax deduction, your expenses.

Practically everything.

It was the best thing I ever did.

Time's my own.

Nah. Yeah.

When you woke up,

we were going to pretend

that ten years had gone by,

and Uncle Ross had married again

and he was bald.

uAnd I had a baby when I was 15./u

And Louis was gay.

What?

- Blake, go and do something.

- What?

Can we have something?

There's enough here.

Can you take them?

Whatever.

So how does it happen?

It's ah, an artery that balloons,

and then bursts in your head.

But how?

Maybe born with it. Maybe the pill.

Smoking. Stress.

- Shitty luck.

- Stress.

- I did smoke.

- Yeah, but who didn't?

And took the pill, but it'd be stress.

It's an epidemic.

I wasn't stressed. Was I?

I did yoga. Didn't I?

Oh, yoga's hopeless,

you might as well just lie on your bed.

You should do community singing.

You get your stress relief,

your oxygen in your blood,

endorphins, pleasure, happiness.

Singing with lots of people

stimulates a small organ in your ear.

It's like an orgasm.

- Ross? You okay?

- Yeah.

It's just...

sometimes people

forget about the person

who's been doing all of the caring

and all the worrying.

Hey, yes!

It's good to have you back, buddy.

It's been tough

being the most gorgeous guy here.

It's been tough because they didn't

replace you and banned overtime.

How does that work?

Dead air or work for love.

u50% of people with aneurysms die

before they get to the hospital./u

uMaybe 15% of the survivors

never walk or talk again./u

You should buy yourself

a lottery ticket.

But it won't happen again?

Consider it a yellow card.

Soccer.

A warning, but you keep playing.

Anecdotally, most aneurysms rupture

during heavy lifting, suppressing sneezes,

straining on the toilet and sex.

Three out of four should be avoidable.

They're just so beautiful.

I love you, Ross.

I love you, too.

And I love you, Ruby,

my gorgeous girl.

I love you too, Mama.

And I love you, Louis,

my beautiful boy.

Mum, what's 37 plus 16 plus 16?

um...

Sixty-nine.

Hey Mum, can I take you

to school for Show and Tell?

Maybe not.

It's only me who can't have an orgasm.

We could still have sex.

- Isn't it too soon?

- I don't mean this minute.

I mean when I'm better.

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