My Year Without Sex Page #2

You could be really boring

and not get me excited.

You could go through

Analogue versus Digital again.

Very funny.

I can't believe I almost died.

I'm glad you didn't.

- Did the kids think I was going to die?

- No.

No, I told them you'd be fine.

What if I wasn't?

You should have been honest.

But you are fine.

I can't imagine not being here.

What kind of a next wife would you get?

No, I'm just thinking.

Would she be like a new me?

Or totally new.

Tidy.

Dear Ruby,

Happy Birthday!

u15!/u

I hope you're having a wonderful life.

Yes, you are too young to have sex,

and don't drive with P-platers.

Don't do drugs.

Definitely...

NOT Chroming,

Petrol-sniffing, Crystal Meth...

Christ, this sounds like a shopping list.

You're probably

a lovely, happy, healthy girl.

Eat with your mouth closed.

Sit up straight,

and occasionally try and think

about how the other person feels.

I love you.

I really,

really, really, love you.

Okay, big deep breath.

And...

Good... Jaws.

Good.

Okay, chewing.

Really big.

Last, through your lips.

All right, count in on two.

One... two...

Don't worry about it.

Natalie, I thought it was you.

I love your hair.

I can't believe how different you look.

Who did it?

No one.

What do you mean?

Aren't you telling?

Is it a secret, special hairdresser?

It's a wig.

Oh, that's brilliant. I love it.

Why are you wearing a wig?

Is it alopecia from stress?

Cancer?

She had an operation on her brain.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Margaret!

Isn't it great to see some new faces.

It's just getting bigger and bigger.

Nicotine anyone?

Giving up smoking.

Tried everything.

Hypnotherapy, acupuncture, knitting,

not drinking, drinking more.

Thanks for the class.

I feel fantastic.

Such a great communal energy.

It's really wonderful.

I don't know.

My God.

I didn't think there'd be people

that actually needed rehab,

just a bit of stress relief.

...functional systems.

One:
cognition,

which is the information-handling

aspect of behaviour...

Two:
emotionality,

which concerns feelings and motivation.

And three:
executive functions,

which have to do

with how behaviour is expressed.

Damage to the brain...

I just thought I heard Ruby.

You're still beautiful to me.

Jesus.

What are the poor people

doing tonight?

Well, hey,

not making the same choices we do.

Isn't all that property

and stock market stuff

about to crash anyway?

What people believe is the reality.

You don't even have to believe it yourself.

If they believe

it's going to crash, it crashes.

But then,

the really clever people start buying.

Survival of the fittest.

Now, are you allowed?

Oh, I don't know.

As long as it doesn't make me sneeze.

Or constipated.

Or give me an orgasm.

It's very good champagne.

Ruby has been on a bus before,

hasn't she, Mum?

I have not.

Yes, you have.

Remember when we had

to get the car serviced

and Dad couldn't find his keys?

I wasn't born yet.

Yes, you were.

Mum had you in that little carry thing.

Can we not argue about it now.

Thank you.

Grace said there was no Santa.

Well, who brings

all the presents then?

Her mum.

As if.

No Mum, like this. In there.

How does one man

get around the whole world in one night?

Well,

it's pretty hard for the Easter bunny,

you know, to deliver all those eggs.

Or for the tooth fairy.

Or for Jesus to walk on water.

Is that what He's famous for?

Yeah, and that

He was born on Christmas day.

Roboreptile?

Wow! Mum!

Mum, I want this for Christmas!

You've already got one of those,

haven't you?

But this is version four.

Mum, can I have this for Christmas?

No, you'll just have to wait

and see what Santa brings.

I haven't got anything for Dad.

Dad likes fruit.

Aren't they plastic?

Plastic?

Heather? We're ready for you now,

if you'd like to come through.

Yes, thank you.

Now why would you bring a dog

in for a radio interview?

Well, we all know that dogs are a man's

or indeed a woman's best friend.

But did you know that a dog

can actually make you live longer?

Our next guest, Heather Jones,

from the Lost Dogs' Home

is here to tell us why...

Maybe we could all leave and hire

ourselves back for more money.

Well, they haven't hired

anyone back from OB.

They just get

a few casuals in on the cheap.

Well, maybe we start our own business.

What? Our own radio station?

Oh Rosie, good score.

Did you bring any alcohol?

Ta-dah!

Purple 37.

Yep.

Blue 64.

Mum, look, it's us. Mama, look.

- Go on, Ruby, go up... Ruby!

- No, no.

Blue 64?

She deserves it.

You can win

up to $100,000 off each ticket.

Well, yeah.

Can we buy a pony?

How about a song

to get you into the holiday season...

We've never

won anything before.

I won an Easter egg

in the colouring competition.

Yeah,

but that was skill, not luck.

You told me it was just bad luck

when I didn't win.

That time I tried my hardest.

Well.

Oh, no.

What?

Do we really

have to wait for Dad?

He won't be long.

I'll never get another job.

I can't do anything else.

I always liked the idea of myself

having a little mechanics business.

Vintage cars. Wearing overalls.

I can just see you in overalls.

Maybe renting out boats

to people in Narooma.

I caught a flathead there once.

There you go, you rent a boat off Ross

and go fishing full-time.

Maybe.

Who suggested this?

The sound quality is appalling.

I want a swimming pool.

I want a basketball hoop.

And a bike!

- Matt's dad bought him a Signature XRM.

- A what?

A motor bike.

Why would anybody

get something so risky?

Two dollars!

That makes it eight bucks.

The tickets cost ten.

I wish we'd won that hamper.

That second prize. It was fantastic.

Yeah. Dad, you should have seen it.

There was like a million toys and lollies.

I'm going to ask Santa for one.

- I can't wait.

- I can't wait.

I can't wait more

than you can't wait.

What?

- You're such a knob.

I'm not a knob.

Maybe we should go to church tonight.

So the kids understand

what it's really about.

Give it some meaning.

Well, I for one would love to,

but I have to do my Christmas

shopping tonight.

On Christmas Eve?

The reading today is from

the Gospel of St Luke, Chapter 2.

" And it came to pass

in those days...

that there went out a decree

from Caesar Augustus...

that all the world should be taxed... "

Thank you very much.

See you next week.

- Hi, Natalie! How are you?

- Hi.

Good. I didn't realise

that you were a church person.

I'm new.

Katie goes to church every week!

That's lovely... Ruby.

So is the choir a church thing?

Yeah, sort of.

It's my outreach thing.

Right.

Jesus.

I can't lift her.

I'm not allowed.

You really don't have to stay.

We can get a taxi home.

It's OK. It's good.

I haven't got...

Taxis might be hard to find.

Or full of vomit. It is Christmas.

Are you coming back

to choir in the new year?

I'm not really sure what nights

the kids have their stuff on next year.

I do violin and swimming,

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