My Year Without Sex Page #3

and dancing, and I'm starting netball.

The violin.

God knows why.

I don't know anyone

who even listens to classical music.

God does know why.

Oh, God, sorry. Oh.

Hey, Dad.

We're at the hospital.

No, it's not Mum. It's Ruby.

Yeah, she fell.

There was blood everywhere.

Come on.

I got six stitches.

Oh, dear!

We came home with a priest!

Priest?

Come on, big day tomorrow.

Christmas Day!

Santa's coming, Santa's coming.

I'm sorry. I forgot to charge my phone.

That's okay.

I know.

I know it's too much,

but how do you go back to giving them

a skipping rope and an orange,

when all their friends are getting

the new iPod and the new X-box.

I just want them to be happy.

It's Christmas.

I've had it.

Can you please stay up

until they've gone to sleep

and put the sacks under the tree?

And do the carrots?

Louis put the carrots out.

Someone has to eat them.

Like a reindeer.

Do you want your present now?

No. I want to go to sleep.

And I don't want a present

that means more work.

If that's what I think it is,

you can just take it back.

Hello.

Mum, can we get a boat?

So who are we then?

Are we more like the man in the gutter,

or the people with the boat?

We're in the middle.

Would you say we were

middle class, Ross?

What?

We're in the middle.

But not in the middle of the middle.

I wish we were a bit more

in the middle of the middle.

Chicken nuggets!

Mrs Leary says no chicken

should have to die to be a nugget.

u$5 max each./u

uA happy meal is $5./u

It won't be a real happy meal.

You get a toy. That's a happy meal.

It's not.

We're not at McDonalds you idiot.

Mum!

There. Go, go left.

Here.

Sorry. It's the other way.

I used to be able to read maps.

Well, maybe you're just tired today.

I'm not tired.

My whole brain's changed.

Have I changed?

Have I changed, kids?

Don't ask them that.

They're not listening.

Nobody listens.

What?

Oh! Are you all right?

Are you okay?

What the f*** do you think

you're doing?

Sorry, I thought I had right of way...

Sorry?

You could have f***ing killed me.

You f***ing stupid tourists

and your f***ing theme parks.

Why don't you stay

in your frigid little f***ing suburbs?

F***!

How can the suburbs

be frigid and f***ing?

I think this lilo has a slow leak.

What are we going to do

if we can't get the car fixed by Friday?

I hope they write it off.

We can't even afford the excess.

I've got to get a job.

Oh, you're lucky you're working.

If we crashed our car

we'd be up the creek.

They don't offer you jobs at 61.

My dad lived until he was 88.

Jump in!

We worked, we paid taxes so

we'd get the pension when we were older.

And now it's just superannuation...

and tax advice and you end up

with the bloody same situation.

Financial advisors.

You know, there used to be

no such thing as dog food.

They just used to eat scraps.

It's a whole industry built on air.

I wish they wouldn't change

the packaging,

I forget which one I get.

There's so many.

Don't ask me.

I get a headache, I call an ambulance.

That won't happen again?

Have you got nit stuff

for the kids' baths?

Already.

I'd forget I'd bought it and get

more next Christmas.

I'm forgetting a lot these days.

You're preaching to the choir, dear.

You might be thinking it's too hot.

It's too hard.

It's too early for a practice game.

But where would we be

if they'd thought like that at Gallipoli?

"What are your legs?

Steel springs.

What are they going to do?

Hurl me down that track. "

But the ANZACS

didn't let their mates down,

didn't let themselves down.

All mates.

All volunteers.

Ross,

you've never been

Assistant Coach before have you?

Imagine yourselves...

carrying your country's honour

on your back.

Didn't we lose at Gallipoli?

Oy! Umpire!

Run and tell Louis and Thommo...

neutralise the big kid from Altona.

Team up on him.

Trip him, sledge him.

They've got to learn.

Right, ah...

Just ah...

Just do your best, all right?

Try harder.

Yep.

Oh... It's not going to fit.

Just get rid of a couple.

I can't. There has to be 42.

They're all the gods of the afterlife.

You have to confess to them

to get into heaven. It's heaps cool.

Are there 42 sins?

Yeah.

u"Number 35.

I have not fouled running water. "/u

"Number 32. I have not multiplied

my speech beyond what should be said. "

The God of Babbling.

Hah! I'd never get into heaven.

I feel like

I haven't shut up for ten years.

You know,

I used to have this boyfriend...

who used to say I drove him nuts

because I never spoke.

"Number 8.

I have not eaten my heart. "

Now, as a group,

uyou've got 15 minutes to decide

which five of these 20 people/u

are going to get on board the only airship

to escape the end of the world.

Okay, now you don't know what

we're looking for, so just be yourselves.

Over to you.

Princess Di would have to go.

She was so spiritual.

Spiritual? You've got the Pope here.

But he's only spiritual for the Catholics.

Stephen Hawking for sure,

we need his brain.

But who would look after him?

Well, maybe Princess Di,

seeing as she's so spiritual.

I like Clive Owen.

I can't believe

they left Princess Di behind.

I can't believe

they had to go in an airship.

A lucky escape for this zebra...

The blonde one's the hottest.

I hate fat chicks.

So where are you going

for this adults-only weekend?

Just the Hyatt.

Revealing my new tattoo to Greg...

very slowly.

A tattoo?

You've got to be on to it.

You know that I'm the same age

Mandy was when Greg left her for me.

Oh,

I don't think that he would...

I don't know, he's so distracted lately.

Just gets on top, pumps away...

then...

I like Daniel Cross best.

Or him. He's gorgeous.

Yeah. He's all right.

He's just been

injury-plagued this season.

Why aren't you watching the DVD?

Please. Like, we're not in kindergarten.

Keep the door open.

Yeah, right.

Oh, my God. No offence. Just, you know.

I just feel like I'm missing out.

How many times a week

do you guys have sex?

The kids okay?

They're watching

High School something.

That's horrible.

Oh, that's gross.

I didn't think it was scary.

Oh, my God.

Yuk. Is it dead?

Did we kill it?

- Let's have a funeral.

- Yes!

I want to be a nun when I grow up.

I think it's really cool

what they get to wear.

You have to be a virgin.

You're such a runt.

Yeah, and you have to believe in God.

Mum, do we believe in God?

Um...

I guess it's up to everyone to decide

for themselves as they grow up, but...

it is nice to believe in things.

She's here!

Oh, my God.

We thank the Lord for this happy family,

and the gifts they have been given,

and pray that

they have strength and health.

We thank the Lord for the pleasure

that Puffybrains has given the children.

And pray that all God's creatures,

great and small,

are given the same love and care

the world over.

Amen.

Can we sing a song?

I think that's a good idea.

Bulldogs through

and through!

Bulldogs bite and Bulldogs roar,

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes