Myra Breckinridge

I've got a secret place

Known to none but me

And in my secret place

You can beg

and torture me

I wouldn't tell you

where to go

'Cause in my

secret place ,

A secret place

A secret you know

A secret place

A secret you know

You realize once we cut it off,

it won't grow back?

It isn't like hair or fingernails

or toenails,you know.

What do you think I am,

some kind of idiot? I know that.

How about circumcision?

It'd be cheaper.

Come on, come on, come on.

Let's get it over with. Myra's waiting.

We'll have to blow up

your tits with silicone.

- I thought they used paraffin.

- No, that would make them inflammable.

You don't want inflammable

tits, now, do you?

I got a secret place

- Known to none but me

- Cleaver--

- I mean, scalpel.

-;And in my secret;

Well, I should think so.

Well, wish me luck.

Ive never clone one of these before.

;You can beg

and torture me

- You know American song?

Yes, I do. It's called

You Gotta S-M-l-L-E.

[ Woman Narrating] I am Myra Breckinridge,

whom no man will ever possess...

the new woman whose

astonishing history...

started with

a surgeon's scalpel...

and will end who knows where?

lust as Eve was born

from Adam's rib...

so Myron died

to give birth to Myra.

Did Myron take his own life?"

you will ask.

Yes and no is my answer.

Beyond that my lips are sealed.

Let's it suffice for me to say

that Myron is with me...

and that I am the fulfillment

of all his dreams.

Who is Myra Breckinridge?

What is she?

Myra Breckinridge is a dish.

And don't you ever forget it,

you-- [ Beep] f***ers...

as the children say nowadays.

Don't mother me.

It seems to be coming

this way.

[ Myra Narrating]

My purpose in coming to Hollywood...

is the destruction of the American male

in all its particulars...

starting with

my late husbands uncle...

the notorious Buck Loner,

who squats in unashamed luxury...

as the head of a dramatic school

in fashionable Westwood.

A tree!

An actor can learn from everything,

including a tree.

You must learn to experience

the truth of a tree...

to make it work for you,

to use it, to know its beauty.

This tree, goddamn it!

Ah, Myra baby, "

I say to myself...

half of all of this

will soon be yours. "

Howdy Doody.

Come right on in, little lady.

Take the weight off them

pretty little feet...

while I finish my last mile

back to the old corral.

So, you wanna be a star?

Mmm.

It's a hard road.

And I feel I should say, No, siree.

But somethin'-- somethin' about you

tells me I should give you a chance.

What do you say? Can you take

the heartache and the torture...

and the heat of them

five-kilowatt lamps over at MGM?

From where I sit, I'd say you can.

I can see your name

in lights now.

Fact is,you remind me of one of our former

successful students, a Miss Gloria Swanson.

- You've heard the name, I 'm sure.

- She was one of your students?

You bet your sweet ass.

My students is always sayin',

Uncle Buck, if it weren't for you...

we'd still be warmin' that seat

back in Schwab's Drugstore.

Really? I thought that was where

Lana Turner was discovered.

Her too. Her too.

Well, I'll be goldurned.

You really done your homework.

Yes, little lady...

Lana Turner put her sweet little fanny

right where you're sitting now.

Lana, I says, what say we put you

in a sweater and make a movie?

- And we did.

- What's your name honey?

- Myra Breckinridge.

- That's a might long for--

- Breckinridge?

Yes. I'm the widow

of your late nephew Myron...

and I've come to collect

a half a million dollars.

- You mean Gertrude's boy is dead?

- Irretrievably.

- I'm right sorry to hear that.

- Here.

I never knew Gertrude's boy had

such an eye for feminine pulchritude.

Oh, Mr. Loner, you're the only one

I have left to turn to.

You see, Myron

didn't leave me a penny.

Um, no insurance?

Safety-deposit box, maybe?

- No. I'm absolutely alone...

and penniless.

Mr. Loner...

Gertrude-- Myron's mother--

said to me with her dying breath...

Myron, and you too, angel girl,

if anything should ever happen to me...

you just go to your Uncle Buck,

and you tell that son of a b*tch--

well, I 'm quoting now verbatim--

that that property in Westwood

was left to us jointly by our father.

And you tell that bastard... [Sobs]

that Ive got a copy of that will...

and I want my share

to go to you, Myron...

because that property must be worth

a good million dollars by now.

Well, how about that?

I conclude he left

a last will and testament?

Yes, leaving the whole

of his estate to me.

So, I suppose that

half this place must be mine.

Um, well, you know somethin', Myra?

The school ain't doin' too good.

We can see it through together,

Uncle Buck, why, as partners.

Partners? Uh, now, look, Myra, I'm pleased as

all get out you come to cry on my shoulder...

seeing as life's kicked you in the horse trough,

and blood's thicker than sarsaparilla...

but I don't need no partners.

The price for my share has

just gone up another $ 700,000.

I'm sorry, Uncle, but I expected more from

the star of Wild Bill Last Roundup...

and Cuckoo Calls in the Everglades,

but it seems I was wrong.

Perhaps my lawyers will speak

a tongue you'll comprehend.

Myra, Myra, Myra!

What a spit-lickin' horny toad I'd be...

to let you walk out of here without makin' some

contribution to the family pork 'n' beans.

What kind of a contribution?

All this talk about lawyers

and settlements...

and wills and testaments

goes clean over my head...

our bein' kissin' kin and all.

Well, I'd be overjoyed

if you'd share my vittles...

and break bread with my wife,

Bobby Dean, and me.

Only thing, she, uh, poisoned herself

on some homemade guacamole...

and she's laid up, like,

fora month or two.

I can tell there's Breckinridge

blood flowin' in them veins.

Do you think I'd throw the widow

of Gertrude's boy out in the clog patch?

I am prepared to accept

a position here on the faculty.

I took the liberty of picking up

a brochure on the way in.

Posture and empathy should do nicely.

I'm eminently qualified to teach both.

- Say a thousand a month.

- Uh, posture and empathy...

is a subject the students

badly need at 800 a month.

A thousand...

only on condition you don't tell the

other teachers how much you're gettin'.

- You have my word, Uncle.

- "Uncle"?

Uh, we're busy, Irving.

Is this your new masseuse?

My niece, Miss Myra Breckinridge,

who'll be teaching empathy and posture.

Delicious!

How much you getting?

- A thousand a month.

- I know. It's shocking, isn't it?

Still, we all love it here. Nobody ever

leaves. I've been here for 14 years.

- What do you teach?

- I don't teach. I'm a student.

Teachers last as long as Brillo pads,

and students stay on forever and ever.

We try to build up the confidence of

the students so they don't wanna leave.

That right?

That don't sound right.

Of course. Who'd wanna

leave where he's happy?

Yeah, that's right. [Chuckling]

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