Myra Breckinridge Page #2

Yeah, that's right.

- That's terrible!

- Hold your horses, Myra.

I'm taking into account her

recent and most tragic loss.

- What did you lose, dear?

- Her husband.

Careless.

Irving, I 'm sure Miss Myra would

appreciate a tour around the old corral.

- Who dat?

- I'd ride with you, partner...

except my chiropractor's clue in

to fix my back.

Oh, what's wrong with

your back? ls it fatal?

You sure got a sense of humor, Myra.

You ought to take it up professionally.

I bet around the country there's lots

of openings for your style of humor.

[ Myra on TV]

...homometic pantomime...

in which he saw straight through the

strenuous clowning to the hard fact...

that American women are eager for men

to rape them and vice versa...

and that in every American, there is a strangler

longing to break a neck during orgasm.

What in hell

is that woman talkin' about?

During the decade between

1935 and 1945...

no unimportant film

was made in the United States.

During those years,

the entire range of human...

which is to say American,

legend was put on film.

Remind me to have my masseuse

come in at 5:
00 instead of 6:00...

as I'm gettin' horny

watchin' my niece on TV.

[ Myron]...leave this place

and go into the real world?

Oh, some of them leave, sure.

They have to get money to pay the fees.

It's very expensive.

- Is your name really Irving?

- Irving Amadeus.

- That's a Jewish name, isn't it?

- Yes, I know.

I used to be Jewish

before I was transmogrified.

Now I just eat nuts and raisins

and play Scrabble with my guru.

...to today's class

on cinema lovemaking.

-On balling.

Just take off your clothes

and get in bed, dear.

Now we need a ballsy young man

for the lover.

- Come on.

And you are irate.

You're bugged.

You think that she is

the lowest slut, the worst.

You also want to, uh,

get in bed with her.

You hold these here.

You look into his eyes and say...

No, it's all your imagination. I've never

been to bed with any man. You're on drugs.

- How could you do this to me, you b*tch?

- lt's all your imagination.

- That's very good.

- Maybe we should--

- Congratulations, Lance.

...here at the academy

are not interested in...

teaching the students

to be successful.

We feel that it's

our responsibility to--

But you're a fag, aren't you?

Well, uh-- What do you--

I don't know.

I mean, in the Baha'i faith--

You see, Uncle Buck is convinced

that group therapy and self-criticism...

are the keys

to successful acting.

Personally, I think if everybody

ate macrobiotic foods...

- there'd be no more wars.

- [Buck] B*tch!

I should've put it to her

when she first come in...

throwed her on her back and give her the old

Buck Loner special right there on the rug.

Goddamn smart-mouthed broad!

Memo to Flager and Flager,

attorneys.

Dear Charlie- Hmm, honey,

that feels real good.

Uh, cut that.

Dear Charlie...

a problem's come up

on which I need your thinkin'.

Mm-hmm! A woman showed up today who says

she is the widow to my nephew Myron.

Now, this woman claims she has

a right to half my property...

which did at one time belong

to my sister Gertrude and me...

but is now mine, all mine,

if there's any justice in this world.

Now, Charlie, it's up to you to see

I get the best justice money can buy.

Honey, that is simply wonderful.

Hmm! Strike that.

Not me. Flager.

Let's go inside and watch some of

the fundamentals of acting class.

He's dirty and greasy,

and I can? stand him!

He's always hitting on me in rehearsals

and grabbing and groping me.

[Man] I want you to build

the vibe between you...

by closing your eyes

and touching each other.

I can't stand

to have this creep touch me!

Now we're getting someplace.

Real honesty

for the first time.

[ Woman ]

What are you going to teach us?

Well, I've come to bring back

star quality.

You simply must understand that that

pseudoanalytical group therapy approach to acting...

may be all right

for naturalistic theater--

a quaint, amiable convention

with little or no significance...

- but it has little to do with--

- What?

[ Myra Narrating] In my posture class,

I was particularly struck...

by one of the students,

a boy with a Polish name.

From a certain unevenly rounded thickness

at the crotch of his blue jeans...

it is 522% to assume

that he is marvelously hung.

Unfortunately, he's hot for an extremely

pretty girl with long blonde hair.

Dyed.

Beautiful legs and breasts.

Reminiscent of Lupe Velez.

She is mentally retarded.

He is probably just as stupid, but fortunately,

has the good sense not to talk too much.

When he does, however, he puts on a

hillbilly accent that is so authentic...

that I almost melt

in my drawers.

I didn't understand a word you said,

but whatever it was, I'm right with you.

I'm certain that regular

attendance in my classes...

will help even the most

limited intelligence.

Wait a minute. What you mean

by limited intelligence?

[Irving]

Myra, when you say that the cinema is-

- Howdy, kids! Howdy!

- Such a lovely man. A lovely man.

I see you've all met Myra.

[ Laughs]

- How'; the boy Rusty?

- Great, Uncle Buck,just great.

Ah! Well.

how's the workouts comin'?

Great. I've been concentratin' on my lats

lately, and they're comin' along real nice.

- Give us a flex, why don't you?

- Get it on, baby.

Come on! A quickie.

- Oh, wow, look at that, man!

- Oh, my goodness!

- I've never seen anything like

that in all my life. -Great!

- Beautiful.

- Great! Just great, great, great!

Great bunch of boys here. Of course,

you get the occasional weirdo.

- But greatest bunch of kids in Hollywood.

- Bread?

I'm certain of that.

The drivel in their heads...

must've been patiently

instilled by the faculty.

Wait a minute. The faculty may be

a bunch of Commies and fags--

no offense, lrving--

but they're all eminently qualified.

[ Myra] Yes, as a dance act

for the Menninger Clinic...

but their collective knowledge

could be inscribed on--

I hope to see you all in class--

on the head of a pin.

She's, um--

She's from New York.

Myra! Myra!

Myra, I can't have you talking

like that in front of the kids.

It'll shake their faith

in the school.

Nothing could shake the simple faith these

deluded bunnies have in you, Uncle Buck.

I can't relate to her!

You don't want to

make it with her, do you?

Forget it. You don't have to worry

about her. She turns me off completely.

I don't want to make any charges.

It may not be a conspiracy at all.

Conspiracy? I should've known.

Every one of them is some kind of lefty.

I mean, man, I never heard

anybody rap like that, man.

I mean, she just got right into it,

man, and rapped.

I don't know.

She's weird, you know?

I mean, I like her,

but she's weird.

I bet a couple of sessions in the old exercise

program would straighten her out pretty good.

Old Buck Loner special would shape her

up real good. God knows she wants it.

Well,

If its all the same

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